Remembering the year...

Remembering the year... on https://www.facebook.com/Hope4Jessica

Maintaining a page I have learned can take a lot of work. Especially when you are also trying to balance a life. Kinda funny that the way this started was to educate others, and yet I am the one learning more and more from this task.

The other day I think I was shocked at my mother for stating that she thinks my husband would not recognize me at all now. I asked her why... Her response was two things. My hair and I smile. Yes for the second time since he went to jail I cut off all my hair... but the smile caught me. I guess when we were still living together it became a balance of trying to please him and with that my smile went away. And yet I have always been a very serious person. So I guess her thoughts surprised me.

Living with my husband was a lot of work. And while there were times that I know we were happy. I have to admit that he pulled us both down. His need to have things done his way... and not compromise... but in many ways I thought I was doing the right thing. And yet now I am the one picking up pieces. And he is still sitting in jail. And now he will be sitting in jail longer.

I still have this desire to learn what is going on in his life. How is he doing in jail? What mistakes is he making to keep himself there? Because at this point in the process I have removed all my objections for his release. I have finally started to reach a point where I am aware that despite my feelings I am going to have to deal with him, in some form, until I die. And yet I am not wearing blinders on this process, because he will have to prove a lot more to me than just the fact that he served time. And I will do everything in my power to protect our child. So... I was preparing for his release to learn it will be months before he will be considered for parole... and it leaves me wondering why....

And yet I may never know...

#abuse  #survivor  #domesticviolence

Friendships...

I meet someone who stands a chance of becoming a friend. And the funny is that in the world of domestic violence, people would assume that the friendship is so much more than that. People forget that two people can just be friends. Well the interesting thing is that the friend is female and she is happily married. And honestly it is just a good thing to have a friend. You know someone who you can convince to go out and see a movie or catch a meal with... or just talk to and pray with and for.

And that new friend said that to help others i what helps us heal... And those words are so important to me right now. You see as of late I have been feeling very hurt from people who I have thought were my friend... people that are currently confusing me. And in many ways it has created a question in my mind of the risk of friends in this journey. And if people I am trying to help are really being helped or if I am just a person who has sucker written on their forehead. And letting people take from me what little I have left to offer.

And yet these words that I heard tonight are something that I pray is true. I am hoping that maybe in the fact that I am starting to again be willing to step out of the cocoon that I tend to withdrawal into. And that maybe just maybe I will be guided by God for what is next... And maybe I will be able to make it clear that friendships can just be that... friendships. And that a victim of domestic violence isn't just jumping from bed to bed in the hopes of a greater prize... We are people who are being hurt by the one we love. And we know that we do not need to put up with that kind of hurt anymore!

#friendship  #abuse  #love

Peace?

I am trying to find peace. And yet this is not the easiest thing to do. Because in trying to find rest... I am isolating myself. I am trying to find a way to trust. And yet I want to just snuggle under the covers and hide. And yet that is not going to attempt to resolve what is going on. You see I can't hide forever. I have to face & deal with the world.
And I just know that I need to trust. But yet that is the hardest thing. Trust...
So what do you do to earn trust of others?

Faithful... For What?

I know that all I am suppose to be is faithful. And I have been faithfully sharing the ups and downs of life after leaving a violent partner. And yet as we are fast approaching the end of year two... I think I thought things would be so much better. That I would have enough to provide for my child. That we would be in a place of our own. And yet none of those things have happened. Many of the people who's lives I have crossed in my journey are doing so much better and at least are living in a place that they can call home. And today is an especially hard day for me.

Many years ago it was today that I lost my grandfather. My silent stronghold of faith. His faith was in his every breathe. And it wasn't something that he rubbed into people. He simply just lived it. Always willing to lend a hand. And always willing to forgive his granddaughter for whatever she managed to get into. And yet when I talk about him and the wonderful memories... I find that others in my life seem to think I am looking at them thru the wrong set of eyes.

You see... I remember him reading to me. Sitting down with me and watching the news... or something else. And just allowing me to tag along on all his errands and chores. I can even remember him not even complaining when the branches of the weeping willow fell and made mowing the lawn harder. And his heart being so full of love... Love that despite his manners I could seem to melt them away and find him. A real treasure and a friend. And yet my mother wants to take away the memories by saying he couldn't read... By saying he never showed love. I just think she wasn't quiet enough to notice the way he showed love. And that she was looking for something very different than I was. And yet on a day like today... when his death is still so fresh in my mind... I find I would rather be alone. And rejoice in the love that I knew he had for me... and the joy that I would see in his eyes if he had ever lived to see my baby.

Which is bringing me to the question... How do you show love? I have been learning that we all show love in different ways. And that not all of us use the same language. You see my language is a quiet one... the person in the background who will listen and guide. While others are full of words and actions. And when the language you use doesn't meet with the language the person is seeking... Messages can get mixed up.

So as we approach this holiday season where we are to celebrate the birth of love in our lives... Stop and take a look at what you think is important. See if what you think is important is important to those around you that you love. And if they don't match... Take a step back and see what language those dear to you are seeking... and try to take some steps towards that language, until you both meet somewhere in the middle and create your own personal love language with that person.

#love  #rethinkchristmas

Advent Flying By...

Advent has been going faster than I want it to. And yet I am glad for the chance to focus on God. And yet it always seems to bring memories of loss. You see it marks another year without those we love. And it is not just those who we have lost to death. Though we are all touched by this in many ways. Death of a parent. Death of a child. And even death of friends and extended family. And yet the death that I am feeling most clearly now is the death of my marriage. The death of the relationships with the extended family I married into.

You see with Domestic Violence the process of having safety is not as easy as people would like to think. And while I walked out for my safety... that simple choice started a process of death. Not all marriages end in death. Hope does exist that an abuser can change. Yet I haven't seen that yet. My path started with the finding a safe place. And then each step that was necessary to protect myself and my baby brought a new level of death.

The first part was the fact that it headed to a place where communication was cut off between myself and my husband. And a deep desire for him to seek the help that he needs in the hope of saving a marriage. And then a choice that he made brought a new death. He chose to abandon our marriage... and served me for divorce. And sadly while he is still living... it is every much as real as when a spouse dies. And the heartbreaking is just as painful.

And at this Advent we are heading towards two years. Two years without a simple conversation. Two years without the joy of waking up and being near each other. And yet also two years of waking up alone and realizing that it is over. And while I struggle with the ability to provide... I understand that the covenant that I entered into is slipping away. There is not much I can do, or even think to do in order to diminish the pain that I feel or even the time to seek how this is going to change me forever.

And while I am attempting to be the strong together parent. It is hard. Things just are not easy... and yet in this passage of time I need to learn to trust God... And while I do, sometimes the fears take control and create inside me questions... Questions of how to move forward... How to explain things to my baby. And yet in this past few days... I have stumbled onto a realization that makes me want to cry. And that realization that in regards to things... I will never be able to do what others can for her. I can love her... I can teach her about God and even the world... But the lack of stability and funds that leaving and being served for divorce has created means that simple requests for items requires great planning. And something as simple as needing gas funds to go to an appointment or even to church can seem like an unscalable mountain.

And people keep asking what they can do to help... But what really can you do... First is to pray. Not just for me, my baby, and what we are facing... but also for ways to make ends meet and still have a little bit left over to do some fun things. And second is if you really want to help with the funding... Do it in a way that makes the victim of the violence hold onto a sense of pride... So the things that you can do that you don't share you are doing really are the best. Funding is best when it is done without me knowing who is helping. Because while I know I need the help... I don't desire pity. I want to be seen as a strong provider who is breaking out of the cycle of abuse... Not as a project that needs handouts... I like you want to give... not just of my time, but my limited funds. And helping to keep me feeling like in a world where my life is spiraling out of control that there are still some things that I might just have a level of control.

So offer hugs... Offer a listening ear... Offer what help you can... but if you feel like you want to help with funds... Do it in a manner that is quiet and not giving yourself great attention. Know that the victim/survivor will be thankful... and you will have removed the stumbling block of the desire to repay what help was given. And it will free them to be able to pay it forward...

#abuse  #domesticviolence  #rethinkchurch  #Advent  #death

Advent Photo-A-Day

I am working thru this Advent Photo-A-Day, and it is really challenging me to think not just in the now, but also thru the eyes of living in abuse. It has been really eye opening. You see since I tend to see the world in black and white... this is really helping me to see some gray. And also giving me some pictures that explain the feelings that we tend to bury. Like today with delight... it is the simple things that make us happy. And while they might seem childish to you. They are just the way it becomes.

And it also makes me realize why what I have been given is something that I hold onto so much. And what it is would surprise you. It is not something that cost a great deal of money. It is a blanket. It is something to hold close to me. It has given me something to wrap myself in when I am feeling lonely. And it also includes the fact that I have a stuffed friend. Someone who I know will hold my secrets and help me to sort thru life without running a commentary back. Simple things... and yet they are dear.

And it brings me to the thought of how simple do you think about Christmas? Are you able to think about it in terms of relationships, instead of in gifts? Is it possible to #rethinkchurch or even #rethinkchristmas and reach out with the simple things in life?

Sickness abounds...

This has been an interesting week. I have been so focused on things and people who are sick. And I wish I could say that I am talking about sick in the mind. Alas I am not. I am talking about things that are broken and in need of fixing. And really being sick, physically. And while it has put a damper on the holiday planning... It has given me and others a much needed rest. And yet it has added a level of stress in my life. One that started with the fact that my car gave me problems. And it has spent time away from me. And with the illnesses... time has been spent in the hospital.

And yet... I just wish that things could have been easier. Honestly things are a struggle because of money. And this is the first time I have really seen this level of problem. Being a single parent with only a minimum income has its own challenges. It becomes harder when your child is sick and you are facing them.

Thankfully, God has found a way to provide for our needs. Now just to keep walking forward...

3 Dozen doughnuts

I have spent a great deal of time this weekend at home. Honestly I haven't felt like I could leave. It is hard to do when someone you love is sick. And you want to do what is best for them. And yet the only thing you can do is to be present. You can't make them go seek help. So you pray... and you pray more. And then you fight the feelings in the back of your mind that say this might be the end. That is what it feels like to live with someone who doesn't care.

The hardest part is these same feelings are the ones I had many a day when I was still living with my husband. Days where he would do something crazy like bring home 3 dozen donuts and just start eating them and then have to give himself insulin. A few hours later then his sugar would be too low so he would start eating junk food again. And this crazy cycle would repeat itself. And it brings this feeling to the back of my mind... one where if I breathe wrong... tears will fall. And I can't do that. I have to be strong. And yet I am wondering why I must face all these things like they don't bother me. When deep down they honestly do.

You see... If I don't act like things never hurt the people who have and are hurting me will know. And then they will use that against me. And that is a power that creates more hurt than I can face... As far as advice... break thru thoughts... I have not a one. Except maybe that even being a faithful follower of Christ does not make this path easier. Sometimes to me it feels that it is in many ways harder. But at least when you are facing all of this and the abuse... you still have the glimmer of hope for the future.

Dreams vs. Goals?

"Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible." Tony Robbins

Makes me wonder what might need to be made visible... and how this might relate to domestic violence, even though that wasn't the purpose when he said it. But goals are a hard thing... you plan to survive. I have forgotten in many ways what it is like to dream. And when I have dreamed I seem to have disappointed and hurt those around with my attempts at dreaming for a future. So it makes me wonder how different dreams are from goals? Any ideas?

Pain?

Pain. We like to try to forget about it. And yet, it never really goes away. There is always something that causes us pain. But did you know that not one minute of your life you are not crying.... yes, I just said we are always crying. Tears are important to our eyes, just like they can show the pain of our emotions. Makes you stop and think...

And for me it makes me wonder how long I have gone thru life not knowing about tears! And why people seem to associate them with being a baby?

Joy?

I have not been having a good week. And it has been for a lot of reasons. And yet today I had the chance to meet with my Pastor, and something he said to me has really stuck in my mind. I am being held by chains that say in order to follow Christ I have to suffer. And that it is not that way for all Christians. But somewhere that is what I got thru my head. The other thing that he said, is the fact that a lot of the pain that I am feeling is due to the fact that life I am living like my hand is always on a hot stove. And these have gotten me to think. You see abuse in some form has been a part of my life for so long. I know there was a time as a child when I wasn't abused. But I also know that sexual abuse started when I was about 5... But it wasn't in my family, it was by marriage. It wasn't until after that stopped that as I became a teenager that my mother changed and she became the abuser. I am not sure what changed at that point, but I think it came from her loss, all of our loss, of her father... Not that it should excuse her. And yet, it was the world that continued to be the challenge to me... Rape... Alcohol... And I got my head together. Then I got married, and my husband changed before my eyes into the abuser. And the pain has continued.

But the challenge is to learn what joy is... It is something I really do not know. I am starting to think that my Pastor is right. That I have gotten to a point where I expect pain and feel like I am betraying Christ when I do not suffer. Now isn't that an item to ponder...

And yet... How can you help to bring joy? I am really starting to think it is loving someone in spite. In spite of all they do... in spite of how much they try to push you away... To just tell them that they are loved... That they are valued... That they are important... That they are a Child of God, even if they don't want to believe it...

iAMDEFENDER

Smart Phone Safety

This is a start in a direction of safety that I find good and bad. It will be nice to be able to know my child is safe, but it is bad in the fact that we are getting more and more monitored and how is that to help us stay safe from those who want to hurt us.

Hunted!

Change... That is always something that is not far from my mind. Change is necessary, but I have found it is harder than it use to be because of the fact that I also have to think about protecting myself. You see having walked out and been able to move on in many cases... you start to realize how many places that you need to explain things to protect yourself from being tracked down. I wish I could say that fear never goes away.... but for me it is still there and strong.

There are some easy things to do to help the process.... You can make a choice not to have a cell phone number where you actually live and see how far away you can get your number. We live in a world where calling doesn't cost much more to next door as it does to California... of Maine. And yet it is a simple thing people do not think about.

The other thing that I have been working on lately is faith. Leaving was a bit easier for me because I had a community beyond my abuser by the simple fact that I took our child to church. And while that community was not capable of supporting us financially, and it was not something I expected... They were there to support us in ways much more valuable than money. Listening ears... Hugs... And believe it or not... HARD Questions.

You see my church has seen me at my worse. They didn't know how to react... what to say... but in this writing of the challenges that I have faced and continue to face I pray they start to see how simple it is to change Domestic Violence one name at a time. It wasn't someone telling me to leave that made it happen. It was people opening up their hearts and asking me how my heart was really doing...

And now... I will be taking a step of faith that I thought I had done so many years ago... And joining the church. I am taking the step to belong to the umbrella that has helped to protect me during these hard times... And even stepped out in faith to get us milk when I could find no other way. The people who have challenged me to think outside the box on ways to earn money to make ends meet. And while it is a huge change... In many ways it is a small step. Because all it means is that my heart belongs with the other hearts around me... because the church is not a building!!! The church is the hearts of people who feel the love of God and want to share that love with the world... One small step at a time. Makes you stop and think about what small step you might take each day next week that could have a lasting impact that you might never realize...

Which Direction?

I seem to be headed in about 10 different directions lately. In the process of joining a church. In the process of dabbling with writing again. In the process of raising a child. And that list can go on and on. The funny thing today is I was asked what I am good at. And you know what I don't know one thing that I am good at. I asked my mother who said cutting quilt squares... and my thought was there is not much need for that in church. And that made me realize that I really don't have anything I am good at.

At one point I must have been okay at somethings since I held a job down. But I guess all the years of marriage have taken away what I was good at... and in many ways who I am. It kinda scares me because one of the things I am starting in the different directions is a bible study on A Confident Heart. This should be interesting. And yet I do not know what I want to accomplish in this study. I honestly have not given it a great deal of thought as to what I want to learn. I guess it is just an accomplishment that I am taking the step forward in faith to actually do the study. Time will tell what God wants me to learn....

No more drama...

I have been struggling for this past weekend. I have struggled with this world around me with what seems like high school drama. And people seeming to think that I can lie. And it baffles me when people get to know me, they realize that I do not lie. I find it too hard to lie. So, I have just always told the truth. It is something that I learned to do as I grew up... Truth was more valuable than hiding anything. And yet this seems to be a hard concept to a handful of people around me to understand.

It has been hard enough that my heart feels like it has been cut. Like the desire of their behavior has been to mortally wound my heart. And since it is already so hard to trust. These games are making it worse. And I am sure that they don't think they are playing games. That they think that I am trying to hurt them. But I am not. I have spent a great deal of time in prayer over the past few months. It started as a means to control anxiety attacks. And it lead to the fact of my having to address something that I have been running away from. I have to deal with the question of forgiveness. Forgiveness of the one person I have not wanted to forgive. And yet it is something I have had to address.

But for now... I am going to leave it at forgiveness. Because it is a process. And ask you to stop and think of someone who you have avoided forgiving... And exactly why...

Seasons of Divorce -- On-line Study

"I was at the computer one day, my Siamese cat was sleeping on the bed. After sitting there a few moments, the cat got up and jumped into my lap, expecting me to pet him. I obliged a few moments, then turned back to writing. The cat was not impressed (they never really are, you know). The cat turned and rubbed his head against my chest, and nestled up closely insisting that I wasn’t done scratching his fur until he decided I was done. Of course, as the obedient house guest I am, I stroked his fur until he was content to go back to his domain, part of which he allowed me to occupy a bit longer. I was struck by something about cats that divorcing people can benefit from emulating.

My cat had the courage to come express his need for caring, and did not give up until his need was met. Sometimes when we are struggling in divorce, we need to have the courage to express that we are in need of something, to just ask for help. Or for love. Or whatever assistance we need. Even Paul asked for help! I remember a friend who realized in the middle of the day that she hadn’t fed her toddlers, and yet didn’t feel she had the strength to do so. She called a family member and asked if that person would mind coming over and making something for the toddlers to eat. Sometimes those who care for us want to help and be supportive, but don’t know exactly how. A request like that gives them the opportunity to express concern in appropriate ways. Sometimes it may be simply telling a good friend, “You know, I could sure use a hug today.”

A friend of mine once said: “If you believe that it is more blessed to give than receive, then if you don’t let me give of myself, you are robbing me of a blessing!!” So don’t let those who care for YOU get cheated out of a blessing, just because you are hesitant (or maybe too proud) to ask for help. "

I found this study on-line... And it made me think... It is called Seasons of Divorce.

Alone?

I hate the point in a day when I feel this great need to talk. And no one else is awake. It creates in me a great flood of emotions that just feel like they are flooding my insides with no way to escape. And I wonder which way to go, because though I see some paths ahead they are all filled with a grey smoke. And it is so dense that I can't see but a few inches in front of me. And yet I feel so alone. Like the world is turning its back on me. And the smoke threatens to engulf me. Leaving me to feel like I am struggling for each breathe.

I continue to seek guidance. To seek God. And yet I seem to always miss seeing the face of God in the midst of the crowds around me. It seems like God is blessing all those around me. And that the flood waters are beginning to engulf my whole body.

They say that time heals all wounds, but when do we start to feel whole again? When do we stop looking over our shoulders for our abuser to find us? When do we find peace?

Missing content!

This is the second night in a row that I have tries to post... And the post is all typed into the screen... And my daughter just bumps the computer and it is all gone. And it is something that you just want to cry about. All the thoughts are gone... Nothing is left to share...

But maybe there is... I am not really mad at her. I am frustrated with the fact that there is really no way to save a draft of a post. And yet it is possible that I am not yet suppose to post these thoughts. But I will be faithful to the reminders... just like I have been faithful to the homework that I have been given...

Fuel Perks!!!

The excitement of saving money on gas... Fuel perks are wonderful... To the panic of realizing that I am asking others to stand beside us and face him. I realize that this is a what if... but it is one that has already sent me running before.

The last time I went running I went in search of home. I have found a small part of that currently, but have not ever really stopped running. And I am realizing that a large part of this is due to the fear that I live with. I am starting to be able to not have it control my every moment, but it is always there. I am less worried about my death than asking people around me to take that same risk. You see I would die to protect my child, but I wonder if it is right to ask others to take that same risk...

And I have been having a pretty good week. And yesterday on a day that I dread... I started the process to address the fact that if I stay and put down roots in a church that feels like home... I just by attending will put them at risk. And honestly that is what I fear. Letting people into what is going on in my life and mind... and opening up to them a world of risk that they have never known existed before.

This fear is what sent me running from my house and the church I was attending. My dreams had become filled with my husband showing up and gunning down the people that I had worked with at church. Grown to love like a family... And I couldn't bear to close my eyes to sleep... I would see what had happened in the walls of our home. And sleep would bring thoughts of what if... But you see all this what if... has left me without a place that really feels like home. I own a house with him, but it feels more like an Albatross than a home. Living with my mother feels more like a child than an adult with children. And it also isolates me. And yet each step I force myself to take towards breaking thru the walls that he created thru fear that became my own mental prison... Now are the ones that I fear walking thru because of others might be hurt.

I have not figured out yet how to deal with this fear. The fear of losing those that I love... all because I loved him enough at one time to marry and have children. And maybe it is a process... but it is one that others have to face also. The isolation that was created by the abuse tends to continue from fear of losing any new ties that we might find. And it brings me to the question... Why would you... a person who has never seen and lived with abuse... be willing to stand in the way of harm towards me and my children?

Making Lemonade?

Forgiveness... I am struggling with this so much right now. And it always seems to boil down to one person. You see as much as I know I must forgive my husband for all that he has done. I know it is not my place to judge him... That is reserved for God. And yet what is my responsibility in all that has happened?

You see... In my desire to forgive him the first time... I opened up myself to being hurt even more. And I gave him the idea that nothing he did or could ever do would be punished. I forgave him and allowed him to get a slap on the wrist. And he went on to actually threaten to kill me... And not just me!

So where does that leave me? I have a broken heart because he is making a choice to throw me away. And yet, do I really want to be in something that is so broken? Do I want to live in a state of fear? Am I willing to throw in the towel over the past several years? At times it is yes... but other times it is No.

You see I realize that living with my husband is unsafe for us. I understand that with the last behavior that I saw and heard about our lives would be at risk. And yet even with our lives being at risk... What is really what we need to sacrifice for faith? Is it within that sacrifice that I go ahead and let the people who hold the keys to his freedom know that it wasn't just me who was threatened? Do I leave that up to others around me that seem to be failing at this?

You see.... Even two years after I walked out... The questions never stop!!! So how do you help those around you seek out answers to questions that seem to have no concrete answer? How do you help to guide them to follow the path that has been laid in front of them by God? And how do you make sure that they feel that they are making lemonade with all the lemons that they have hoarded living in an abusive household?

A New Script?

I am so ready for it to be Time for a New Script in my life. And I need to remember that... "While feeling unglued is all I've really known, today my life can be different."

It is so easy for us to focus on all the things that allow us to stay in the space we are in... All the things others have done to wrong us... And yet... Is it really where we are suppose to stay?

The last two years of my life have involved police, courts, and more fires than I care to count that have needed to be dealt with. And focusing on them... would send me spiraling out of control. Just ask anyone who ever got close enough to see the me inside the shell of protection that I kept up... The people who were stubborn enough to ignore my body language... and fight to break down the walls of protection around me brick by brick... Well let's just say that they found a puddle of me... I literally could not edit anything I said and couldn't begin to control a single emotion around them. It was like drowning inside of the fortress that I had built to protect myself... even with the holes where they had poked thru letting the water out. You see... all the things I should have felt all those many years... I had forced inside of storage containers... And when the bricks came down... all the neat boxes just sort of evaporated into shreds of confetti. And since I had spent so long ignoring that I had feelings... They all came pouring out. And in many ways I am thankful to one of my pastors... because in many ways he took the brunt of the emotions. And for some reason his response was things will get better... And my question was when.

Now I am beginning to see that the when was already happening. Just because at that moment I couldn't see a change didn't mean that the change was not happening. And while lately these things still manage to make me unglued... I can be thankful for the moments when they do not. I can enjoy the fact that I can have a little moment of rest... and be able to cherish piece of mind when I can find it....

So... It brings me to a question... What one thing do you wish to change in your current script of life? How can that change help you to stop living in the past? And how can it help to allow you to take one small step towards the future? And if you can't think of a single thing for yourself... Take a step into the world around you and see how you might just be able to help someone else start the process of writing a New Script for their life...

Loaded Questions...

What have I been up to? That is such a loaded question right now. To start off I have been facing the failures of man way too much. And I have been cooped up in a hospital learning more than I ever thought I could need to learn about nutrition...

But in the process I have learned much about the body of Christ... Many people who I know have reached out. Others have always stood by me... And the ones I guess I hoped would reach out.... have slipped away. And I guess I could say unnoticed, but having lived thru the abuse, nothing is unnoticed.

In the quiet that I have grown so use to... I sit back and observe. I observe people to make sure that those I am letting into my world are safe... And while I watch I take notes. I see the world thru a very different set of eyes... Eyes that see what people care about. Eyes that see how people are really treating the broken around them. And while many parts of the church have reached out on their own... The church as a whole has stood silent.
And the silence has spoken a great deal more than the words. It has affirmed the fact that they want people who are whole. That they don't want someone who is broken, because they just might have to change their focus. And when the world church is trying to change the focus back to its foundations... I seem to have found the one church that wants to hold onto a way of doing things that will and has sent people away. And in doing that... THEY are sending away the FUTURE of the church. And while in some ways I am a part of the near future of the church... My child is part of the long term future.

So what does that mean... It means that those who want to raise the youth in our churches to be leaders need to step out a little from the way they think things should be done and work on developing a relationship with the future. And that starts by honor the small request of a little child. Children were welcomed into the church and we were told to come to God like the children. And yet, we as people are too busy to take the time to seek out the child who is sick, hurting, and scared to comfort them. To let them know that they are not alone. That there is a bigger support for them beyond their parents. And that becomes even more important when the child has walked thru abuse themselves or even knows that abuse existed in the home they thought was happy.
My mind thinks back to the Wizard of Oz... When they get to Emerald City. They reach the gates and are given special glass that are required to be worn in the city. And then they learn that the glasses are what makes Emerald City green... That a facade exists in the world the people of Emerald City know. And then I look at what I am living today...

I am struggling to take care of our basic needs... Most of the wants never even get looked at. And yet I am surrounded by a world of people who are not struggling to find money to do something as simple as buy a gallon of milk. And they just see that you are broken... And because you don't fit into the facade that they need to have in their church.... You are asked never to return. And so a church and the people inside under the steeple have managed to continue the abuse that you lived with for a long time... And taken it to a different direction. But even when the type of abuse changes... It rarely changes your reaction to it. And you learn that supporting the poor in Africa... and anywhere else you can think of is more important than the hurt and the broken who are left to huddle on the steps of the church... And we huddle there, because we feel God pulling us towards the church... despite the fact that the church is hearing that we don't fit in.... WE DON'T BELONG!

And while we are all called to be Children of God... We feel like we are creating too much stress... Too much trouble... And we stay huddled on the steps. We don't want to rock the boat... We want to serve them in the way we want to be treated, but have learned to never expect it back... And when we see it, we tend to feel like we have had the wind knocked out of us.........

So, have you ever stopped and really taken a look at your actions and words. Have you paraded around wearing each task you undertake for the church as a badge of honor to be revered for...
So I ask... If we all took one small baby step away from the facade that we have learned is the church and start seeking the church within the whole body of Christ.... What would your community look like?

Because in my world... being left alone and left with the feeling that I don't belong... that I am too broken... Is so much better than living daily with the abuse that I faced...

Sleep?

Sleep... Isn't that what I am suppose to be doing right now? And yet that is the thing that seems to avoid me. My mind struggles to calm down. And yet today the conversation inside my mind is so different than it has been before. While it still talks about my husband... It has taken a different focus. That focus is on forgiveness. Not something I would begin to think about. It is like after so many months... things are changing with me. And a part of that is most likely from growing closer and closer to God. But sleep is still something I need.... Spending all night reading isn't going to help me deal with the day to day of life...

Everyone Needs Someone

People need people
and friends need friends,
And we all need love
for a full life depends
Not on vast riches
or great acclaim,
Not on success
or on worldly fame,

But just in knowing
that someone cares
And holds us close
in their thoughts and prayers -
For only the knowledge
that we're understood
Makes everyday living
feel wonderfully good.
And we rob ourselves
of life's greatest need
When we "lock up our hearts"
and fail to heed
The outstretched hand
reaching to find
A kindred spirit
whose heart and mind

Are lonely and longing
to somehow share
Our joys and sorrows
to make us aware
That life's completeness
and richness depends
On the things we share
with our loved ones and friends.

Helen Steiner Rice

Climb 'Til Your Dream Comes True

Often your tasks will be many,
And more than you think you can do.
Often the road will be rugged
And the hills insurmountable, too.

But always remember, the hills ahead
Are never as steep as they seem,
And with Faith in your heart start upward
And climb 'Til you reach your dream.

For nothing in life that is worthy
Is never too hard to achieve
If you have the courage to try it
And you have the Faith to believe.

For Faith is a force that is greater
Than knowledge or power or skill
And many defeats turn to triumph
If you trust in God's wisdom and will.

For Faith is a mover of mountains.
There's nothing that God cannot do,
So start out today with Faith in your heart
And "Climb 'Til Your Dream Comes True" !

- Helen Steiner Rice (1900 - 1981)

... If thou canst believe,
all things are possible
to him that believeth.
Mark 9:23

Seeking?

Peace... a sense of calm. Something that I guess a part of me always thought came from the having things... Not a great deal, but enough. A place to call home... Clothes... Food...

And now, when I am facing the fact that things are something that just can't be held onto... I am actually finding peace. A peace that I can't begin to explain. I can just live it. I live it in the actions that I take everyday. Actions that are not in trying to fix the situations around me... but are calling me to focus on what blessings I do have. And in truth the changes that are happening within me are beyond understanding.

And in many ways I am finding the strength inside of me that I have always known was there, but didn't realize how to access. And how am I doing it... I honestly don't think it is from me that these changes are coming. I am finding the peace in the quiet moments that I can share with my child. I am finding the peace in the fact that I can seek someone who is so much greater than me. And in that seeking I am finding the doors that have been holding me into the prison of my own making being taken away.

You see I have spent so much time in the comfort of the familiar. Not that the familiar was good for me... It was just that familiar.
And why hope for more when there is comfort in the predictable. Even when the predictable is abuse.

It took a dear set of friends a great deal of time and prayer to start to chip away at the barriers that I had spent so much time building. And often times with the barriers... they couldn't be so gentle in telling me that things could be different. And yet in love they have also allowed me to grow and make the mistakes that I need to make to grow. Because they haven't changed me... they have merely been guides along a path that was set for me a long time ago. A path that is to be directed by a life mission and not defined by a job. A path that will leave a mark on this world for the better though I can't begin to understand how or why...

And I am finding that in these friends I have been truly blessed by God. I have had to travel a path of struggle to find some of them. I have pushed them away because of fear. And in the guidance of life and the discipleship that they have given me... I have found the faith of my actions. A faith that is freeing me, not holding me by bondage to rules. A faith that is changing me sometimes despite myself. And yet in this path the focus of what is to come is becoming clearer.... And I am realizing that my passions for life that I was born with are being realized. That the gifts that I have are going to be what I am called to use. I also realize that there are still things that I am not good at that God is going to call me to do that will just allow the world to see His glory.

And the fear that I felt not so long ago with the fact that this path will be one of sharing the hurts of my life is being taken away. I am finding a peace in the words that I can share in the hopes that others who are living in abuse can see that there is hope. Hope that things can change. Hope that things can be different. Hope that each day can be a little bit better than the one before. I understand that life will always hold challenges for us all... And yet I am finding that these challenges are being met by faith.

And while I can not change the conditions that have brought me to this point. And I certainly can't change the man I married. I have come to peace with the fact that divorce is part of this journey for me. And that divorce is not the end... It is just the beginning of the next part of my journey with God. And while I will not discount the fact that God could indeed change my husband... I am letting him go. I am letting him go with the understanding that for now that is what God deems is best in the place we reached in our marriage with abuse. And though a part of me feels that it is a death. I will not rule out the fact that we might find each other again someday. That day is just not today. And the covenant that we entered into together on the day we married is not the bonds that I have been taught to feel it is. He choose to break the covenant... And it is my obedience to God to let him go. And while it in some ways will be a death of a part of my life... Only God knows what the future will hold. And while it is freeing me from my marriage... It will still take time to wrap my head around the freedom that God is giving me with the fact that my husband broke the covenant. And as I come to terms with this... And as I allow God to heal my heart... And to heal the heart of my child... I can maybe someday come to understand what true love is.... And I would consider myself blessed to only come to understand what true love of God is...

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what you are pursuing in order to feel at peace or secure? Have you ever stopped to think about what you really want in life? These are simple yet difficult questions... And yet in taking the time with people who are suffering you can learn a lot about them just by asking them what they really want to do. Our ideas and thoughts of how to fix abuse only work when it is what the person who is living the abuse feels that it is what they want. And then... Only God knows what can happen next.

What to let go of?

Today... I learned some things. Like one of the reasons that I am back home for a bit... You see my mother is sicker than we wanted to realize and will need to have some procedures done. During that time she will require more care... At least with this understanding for the moment it makes it easier to endure the fact that I, an adult, am living under her roof.

In other news... I am starting to understand that many things can impact our lives after we survive the actual abuse. It would be so easy to seek out things that would numb us from the pain. And yet what we need to learn is how to deal with the pain. Learn how to express it. And then start looking forward without our past controlling our future. And I am not saying that you will forget the past, but it will have a very different feel to it. That is something I have been struggling with for a very long time. And it didn't just start with the current abuse I faced. I have had to take each tragic event... death of a loved one... abuse... starting a new school... moving... and even the birth of my brother.... And had to start to examine the pieces that were left after the bomb went off inside my internal storage system. And it has been thru the examining of these pieces that many of them have lost the hold they had on me. This is not to say I am perfect. There are always things I run into and then put back for later.... Almost like I am attempting to hide them from myself and others.

Has it been a slow learning process... Of course. When you realize that the same questions you are currently seeking answers to were the almost exact questions that you were seeking answers to 15 years ago if not more. It gives you an idea that maybe I haven't search in the correct places. And I realize that in my quest for love and the person God had chosen for me. I might have overlooked some things in my husband. Things that I either saw, but didn't raise red flags... or Things he hid from me. And it is the later that is really starting to hurt. Finding things that he hid from me in this attempt to open the lines of communication and have no secrets... He kept a cruise liner full!!!!

Yes it hurts... and yet even now my feelings for him are changing. I will always love the man I married... And yet I am understanding that it is a fairytale that will never come back. And I am hopeful that he just might find God. And yet it will take him showing the fruits of change to bring us back to even have a conversation... And I have reached the point of letting go... I do not need to hold onto him... He wants his freedom... I must let him go... Even scripture tells me this...

Does this leave me a ton of questions going forward on what is left for me in regards to faith... Yes. Does it give me a license to remarry... I do not know. And I might struggle with that for years. Marriage as I know it is suppose to be forever or death. And while we are going our separate ways... we are both still very much alive.
And yet it brings me to an interesting question...

What are you willing to let go of for God?

What to let go of?

It is early in the morning and for some reason I am awake. I am so very aware of the changes that will take place today. I will have cut back my items by at least 2/3... It is amazing how much stuff that one can give up and move forward towards changing and living stuff free. And yet each item has been a struggle to let go of. I have had to hold onto several items in the past few days that I am still not ready to let go of, but know I need to let go of. It is a process because of the fact that in this process I am letting go of not only my marriage, but also my childhood. I am finding that I need to sort thru all the items I own and pick things that represent my life, but I can't hold onto them all.
It is amazing the power that a simple stuffed animal can have on our life. We tend to shower our children in them along with other gifts. And then we wonder how they have so many. And then the attachment starts and each and everyone is a battle to let go of. And it starts a process of entitlement that can carry thru to adulthood where people think that they need every new thing that is made.
Now don't get me wrong... I still have things that most people would say are not a need. And yet my mind tends to think differently. I mean we need to be able to listen to music... watch dvd's... and even play video games... plus where would my sanity be without Net-flicks... And yet other things have not seemed so important, but a list was created to allow me to recreate the book library again on e-books. It is just amazing that in a small device I can carry a whole library. And yet at the same time how nice it is to carry a library of movies in something as small as a suitcase. Space will become a premium in what I am thinking forward towards in housing. And yet it will be so much better....
What stuff do you find that you have that you might not need? How can you take steps to evaluate your life and the things you own to takes steps to start to have just a little less?

Faith Steps...

Stepping out in faith sometimes takes us back into the face of abuse. I am not saying this lightly. And it is not something that I would do if my life was truly at risk. And yet it is something that I have felt God lay upon my heart.

I have struggled with many things over the past years. And one of these things is learning to understand my emotions. Understand how to rely on God. How to allow God to provide for everything. And yet so often I am quick to attempt to take back control. To not step out in faith and trust. And yet I am not coming back into my own mother's world out of trust for her, but out of trust that God will provide what we need to create whatever He wants in our relationship. And maybe this path isn't so crazy as it seems.

Maybe I am coming to understand that I do not belong in this world, but need to function in it. I need to also not be so surprised when people do not see the world thru the same eyes that I do. I see that faith and our world need to go hand and hand. That with faith every action a person takes is out of love.

Does this mean I am perfect? No, I am far from that. And yet I value the fact that my word is good. And despite all that might go wrong... that having given my word means that I will make it happen. And that includes money. I do not find that I actually like it, but it is necessary. And yet it seems to be a device that can be quickly used to send me into a panic. And once I hit that point of panic I feel like I have no control over anything and then I give up. And instead of giving up and surrendering to God... I just give up. So much just then comes racing into my mind. The build up of the emotions that I controlled for so long, which I have zero control of now... The random thoughts and messages that throughout my life I have been taught... And that list goes on.

And yet it isn't a solution that I am seeking when I realize where I am heading. It might sound like that to the person I am speaking to, but in many senses I am seeking a piece of the puzzle. And without the person even realizing it they can simply tell me a story or share a thought that God has placed on their heart and it provides the connect of the pieces that I have been staring at laid out on the table in front of me. And yet it is hard for me to explain it... I have not the gift of words. I get tongue tied...

Today that story was about a lady who was buying a house to open a city mission. I don't know who the lady was. I don't know where the mission is. What I do know is that the story talked about taking a step of faith... And in her case agreeing to a price that was beyond the funds that had been provided to purchase the house. And she finally took the step of faith that God would provide the rest of the funds that she needed to make up the shortfall... And in the process of cleaning out the house to set it up for the mission... When they came to the last room of the house... They found two purses... And contained in those purses where the shortfall that had existed and it was exactly the amount that was required... And in the end God had provided for the mission, just not in the way we expect it to happen.

And this hit me... I have been looking at God to provide in exactly the way I have wanted it to come. I have been so focused on taking care of things that I haven't let myself be open to trusting enough to be able to allow God to perform the miracle that I need Him to perform to have our lives move forward. I can see the shortfall that I am facing in my finances... I can see the ways that this can be fixed... And yet I have never stopped to ask God how He wants to help me overcome the shortfall. I have taken it on my own to find the solution. Now in my case the shortfall is temporary... And to most people a small amount... In my case currently $2,000 would take care of it and take me back to zero debt. And yet to me that seems to be a mountain that I can't figure out how to face. And I also know that getting even a small part of that money could go a long way towards being able to get my own income again... And yet have I sought God's will? Have I focused on what God is asking of me? And what will happen when I make sure that I am walking forward with a focus on God and allow Him to let the pieces of my life fall into place...

And in an even bigger way... What might happen in my life if I can step out in faith... Trust God... And allow Him to control the path that He has set out in front of me... Allow Him to build me up and not even attempt to figure out what pieces I am missing. And just focus on God and how amazing He is... Today I got a glimpse of that... I swallowed my pride... And I listened to God and moved back in with my mother for the moment. And I found a feeling of peace that I can't explain. And in many ways it feels like I am being held in the hands of God. And that He will hold me and carry me... And show me the steps that have not been revealed to me about how to get from where I currently am to where God wants me to be... And where God wants me to be is not about me... It is about the hurting world around us... And saying thru my story that despite all the pain that the world wants to inflict on us... God can save us and sustain us, and eventually make it possible to LIVE!!!!

So how do you live? Do you plan your own path? Or are you open to the whispers of the Holy Spirit on your heart that might ask you to walk back into a lion's den and face the one thing that you fear the most? And someday I might just explain what it is that I fear the most...

Freedom, Guns, & Domestic Violence

July 4th... A day of freedom for the United States... A day of torture for victims of Domestic Violence which involved guns... Please take the time to think about them as we are surrounded by gun fire... Think about those you see with panic on their face... It may be a plea for help that words can't share... And think of me. The level of noise is still enough to send shock waves thru my body. It makes my heart jump into my stomach. I think it is for me... And yet I am safe. But I know many others are not... And for them tonight... I pray...

"Spiritual problems demand spiritual answers."

"Spiritual problems demand spiritual answers."

Now you want to talk about a topic that is hard to get thru my thick head. And that would be it. I am so the type of person who wants to still fix all the problems that are in front of me. And the interesting thing is this past week it wasn't even about things wrong in my life that I wanted to fix. And yet all I could do is pray. Pray for healing... Pray for understanding... Pray for clarity... And then before I even actually have acted on all the information that I want to... I have sought counsel and gone back to the quote.

We live in a fallen world. And yet we seem to think that the world should not invade our "perfect" Christian lives. Despite this thought the world is knocking on our lives, and even our churches. The world effects the way we think, and sometimes even how we act. We all so much want to fit in and belong. And yet we don't want to see that the world is not only hurting us, but those around us. And we react out of emotions and the fact that we are all so far from perfect... And people do get hurt.

So what are we to do...
First off the advice I have been given is to seek God. Pray, Bask in His word, and do not abandon the Body of Christ...
Second... Ask ourselves what lessons we might need to learn about ourselves given the events. And then head to step one and seek God to seek His assistance in overcoming these issues and taking another step towards becoming Christ-like.
Third off... Ask ourselves if we can see how with grace and compassion we can help others learn the lessons they might need to learn from the given events. And I am finding that is hard. It is easy to see the problems and the events that have lead to the problems and point the finger. And to be reminded to look at God first helps to change the view point that you are seeing it thru.
Finally... I am going to add to this... Might it also be a teachable moment in the church and world to help others understand how mistakes can happen. How communication can fall apart... And better yet how we can unite as the Body of Christ to help heal the wounds that the world is adding to our lives.

At this point... What have I done?
I have ranted to a few close friends... And been very frustrated with many events over the past week. And yet it took a phone conversation today with my own pastor to bring me back to something he said to me just before I left...
"Spiritual problems demand spiritual answers."

Which brings me to the question I now have for you to ponder....

How are you addressing the fact that 'Spiritual problems demand spiritual answers.'? How are you working to belong to the Body of Christ? Or are you reacting like I have been and running away from an imperfect church seeking perfection? And yet doing so while knowing that perfection in the church will never be seen on this side of heaven... And we need to seek Spiritual guidance for how we are to work together as the Body of Christ and stop taking for granted that the focus should be on how we were wronged. And to take the step forward to question how our belonging might help others to grow in faith... And that we might need to learn so hard lessons that we should have learned in Kindergarten...

Play together nice and work together to make all things possible in Christ... Stop worrying about how our pride is damaged and things didn't go the way we wanted them to... And to focus on what God accomplished in the lives of those around us. And that the growth might have never happened without the testing. Yet understand that without our willingness to step out in faith... No growth is possible!!! We need to be in fellowship with others to learn and grow... And yes it is going to never be the way we picture it being... But each small step is a victory towards our perfection that we will see in heaven at the feet of God. And I will take my small victory of this past week and wear it will a badge of honor!!! I have managed to get rid of a habit that was instilled in me by my husband. I have managed to take a step away from his hold on my life thru abuse and stop smoking. And at the same time I have taken another step closer to God... And that process started with another quote that was shared with me... "When we dwell on our fears they grow bigger and bigger, but when we dwell on God we discover He's bigger than any fears we have." And with that quote in my mind and heart... I stepped out and worked on focusing on God and not my own fears. I walked out the door and took my child to a Christian Musical Festival for the week. And trusted in faith that my steps were what God wanted me to do.

In the end... A part of me was sad and a bigger part was glad. I learned so much. Not just about music, but about myself and others. And have come home to the peace and quiet of the nights to begin to process the information and as I like to say download it all so that it isn't just all in my mind, but it becomes something that will take root in my soul and help me grow and help me learn more to not focus on myself and to learn to focus on the whole Body of Christ....

AND GOD IS REALLY AMAZING!!!

Father's Day...

Yesterday was Father's Day. And for me it is painful because my father has been in heaven for some time. The pain of his being gone still stings in my heart and mind. And yet this year I found it to be even more painful... How do you keep your own child from feeling the same stinging in her heart and mind? And sadly in our world it isn't because of a season of life coming to an end. It is from poor choices that her father is not involved in her life. Being in jail certainly puts a dent in a world where Father's Day has become such an important day for families. And while I understand about a Heavenly Father who transcends all the grief of this world... I found it easier yet again to just shield her from the fact that yesterday was a day to celebrate Fathers...

And in many ways it means spending a day alone. Churches fill the day with messages of Fathers. And while it is a good thing for most people... Children who are the victims of Domestic Violence might not have a father who is active in their life. They can't even say like I can that their father has gone to heaven.... If they are to be truthful they are telling the world that their father hurt either them or their mother, or even both of them. They feel abandoned by their father thru no fault of their own actions. And yet also feel scared of them. It creates a challenge in teaching a child faith in a God who is our Father. It is not impossible, but it takes patience. And most years just avoiding a day at church where you see the appreciation of those who can share the day with their own fathers.

Which brings me to my question... Why isn't the church using this day to transform the lives of the children who are left with a single mother? Why are we so focused on what we can see and touch and a mass market system that floods the day with cute items to purchase for our fathers. And yet we choose to leave the children caught in this bind in the dark and feeling like they are missing out on an important day in our culture. So stop and think... What can you do for a child who is facing Father's Day next year without one? How can you make them feel like they still belong and have the best father than anyone could wish for? How can you help them learn and understand that while the world wants this to be a day about earthly fathers... That the church is a place where we should be focusing on not our earthly fathers... but our Heavenly Father... Which is there for us all and doesn't make poor choices which removes Himself from the lives of His children? And how can we make these children understand what the love of a father is truly like... So that they learn not to judge God based on the example of their own father, but that they can see that God is the PERFECT FATHER!!!?

Camp...

Wow... Has this week really flown by... My days were filled with camp and what should have been sun... Alas the rain came and stayed. I know it could be worse, but wet feet all the time is rough. I made it to church today to hear about greed... and a unique definition of wanting more of what you already have enough of. And it really started to make me think... What do I have more than enough of. I guess in this process of having my whole life lifted up and turned around things have not been as important as people. I would rather spend a day sitting around having fun with my daughter than to be shopping and finding more things in life to fill our house. Things I have come to realize do not move very easily. And what is the point of having so much stuff when you constantly feel like you are going to need to pick up and leave at a moments notice. I guess the fact that we have done without so much of what we own for the past year and a half has changed my view point of life. And yet in some ways going to camp gave me a small wish list of things to own by next year... My own pair of rain boots and a rain coat... And two rolling totes that are big enough to fit a pillow, sleeping bag, and everything a person needs for camp in one of them... Two because there are two of us.

But one of the things I cherish about these last few days has been the time I got to spend with my daughter. Trying new things with her and watching her try new things on her own. Getting to see her face light up as she realized that riding a pony isn't so bad... Teaching her how to put rubber bands onto fabric to make our own tie dyed pillowcases to take back to camp each year... And the list goes on... I have also learned an important lesson in spending time at camp... It is okay that we accepted financial help to attend camp... and it is okay to laugh again. In being given the chance to listen to others talk about funny things and even in watching the staff's face after cleaning up the bathroom... It showed me that laughter still exists inside of me and in many ways helped to lighten my heart. And while I can't live at camp forever... I do hope that these lessons stay with me, because learning them again might not be so enjoyable.

And then I got back to reality... and to learn that the one thing I hate more than anything else has come to find my little world... Gossip... I know we are all mortal and make mistakes, but gossip in front of a small child with big ears tends to find its way back to that person. And in the end it just hurts that the gossip was said at all.

Single Parenting

Just when I think I have gotten a handle on this single parenting... the kid throws me for a loop. I just know that she is hurting and I need to help her to feel and express these emotions. And yet the ways she does are so out in left field. Her behavior spirals down and then it is all I can do to keep everything together. And then I look for new ways to allow her to express and move forward. And yet things don't seem to move anywhere. It is like fighting with quick sand. I am just praying that she manages to come out of this. Even with the fact that I think court ordered visitation is probably not helping her behavior. I just sometimes don't know.

Flying paths

Days seem to fly by and yet in the wake of time I find that time alone is precious. And that time alone is when I find time to look at the pictures of my life and all that is going on... Days change because the weather changes and I see the growth of life again all around me. And yet I am still trying to dust off the cobwebs of life in my mind. I am trying to learn how to stand still and call a place home. And mind you that is not an easy task for someone who feels the urge to run away from the pain that they have seen not just lately, but over a lifetime. And as of late this cleaning of my mind has taken the form of a new set of questions... A new search to understand the thoughts that race thru my mind...

What is truly unforgivable sin? And over the course of my life and marriage as I submitted to my spouse out of love did I ever cross the line to unforgivable? And yet the more I seem to look at the question the more the question becomes grey. And right now grey is not a color I want in my world. I want it to be as clear as a black and white photo... Not a muddle of questions and ideas. I am trying to figure out what I believe still and what is left of my life in the wake of my marriage falling apart, my husband sitting in jail, and way too many court battles for the safety of my child. I know that God still is here... I just am not sure where the ideas of my life fit in with that idea... Where do you find the forgiveness and when is the punishment completed for the crime? Questions that most people just would brush over in the race of life, but since I have been so use to the punishment in life I struggle to find the balance and where what is going on would ever possibly be unforgivable. And in some ways it is also about how to forgive the person who just about took your life away from you... How do you find peace with them? And how do you let go of something that you are not ready to face? And does that path actually have to involve feelings? Or is there a logical way to make the path?

Which brings me to the fact that most people need help when they have faced so much hurt to learn how to feel... And it makes me wonder what people do to help those friends around them feel and know they are loved, cared for, and safe?

Focus on Prayer...

I was going thru my e-mail today and found a link to this site. And found it to be helpful not just in focusing on prayer, but also in using these same techniques to calm yourself when you are feeling angry. I have been searching thru the site and found the fact that it talked about the simplest of prayer that exists is in breathing. And that in breathing we are connected to the force of creation and that we breathe in God's light and goodness and when we breathe out we breathe away all the darkness. A new way to think that I might find helpful. And I know I need ways to learn how to begin to trust and the first step is learning to trust God. Well I can trust God to keep me breathing... And am amazed at remembering the connection the we have with the universe simply thru drawing breathe. It is comforting in many ways since I have found it hard to even focus on God at times... And this way I can simply focus on Him just by breathing. And maybe this simple focus will help with the emotions that tend to build up inside of me. And when they do I often am unsure of how to face them... So maybe a simple focus will help me with panic attacks, fear, and even anger. The only way I will know is to try. And I know I need to work on trusting God... So I will take the baby step and work on breathing prayer. 

First Steps Home

Sparkling Gems by Rick Renner

Colossians 2:15 'and having spoiled principalities and powers he made shew of them openly, triumphing over them in it.

We need to get a hold of this truth: (all) demonic forces are legally stripped of their authority and are defeated! We are not puny struggling believers who are somehow trying to learn how to cope with the devil's attacks against us. we're not merely trying to learn how to scrape by or survive. Jesus' death and resurrection gave us the legal authority to keep Satan under our feet, so we must always make sure we approach spiritual warfare as VICTORS not victims.

In Greek: openly = boldly, confidently
triumph = returning home from a grand victory in enemy territory

so Colossians 2:15 conveys : 'He gallantly strode into Heaven to celebrate His victory and the defeat of Satan and his forces. As part of his triumphal process he flaunted the spoils ceased from the hand of the enemy. yet the greatest spectacle of all occurred when the enemy himself was openly put on display as bound, disgraced, disabled, defeated, humiliated, and stripped bare...'

Once again, Satan is not a force we are trying to defeat; HE IS ALREADY DEFEATED! But because very few believers know how to effectively use their God-given authority to resist Satan, he tries to continue illegally operating in doing damage to the souls of men and even to creation itself.

No matter what demonic strategy may come against you this day or how many demons are assembled together for your destruction, you never have to go down defeated. Jesus plundered the enemy when he rose from the dead. so when you look into the mirror, you need to learn to see yourself as one who already has the victory. you already posses the authority necessary to keep Satan under your feet where he belongs. remember, you are no longer a victim --- YOU ARE A VICTOR!

Excerpted from Feb 7th of Sparkling Gems by Rick Renner

Survival?

I have started watching "Touch" on Netflix. And it amazes me on how much we are all connected in this huge world. We like to think that we are all alone. And many times we feel like we are. Alone with our thoughts and feelings. It seems like we forget that someone is able to read the very thoughts that we think. That someone formed us and knows the path we will walk. And that path is not always easy. It takes some of us down roads that we could do without and lets us make choices that might not be the best thing for us. And for others, we struggle to find happiness and a sense of belonging even with making all what we think are the right choices.
Honestly, I thought I was making all the right choices. I believed in God. I got married, then waited until we had a house... Then we had a child. And yet now the path that all these right choices have brought is separation from my husband. And more questions than I have answers to. And a calling that I even question. Changing the world is not something I would dream of when my own world feels like a failure. And yet the more I watch this TV show... I see how small actions can changes lives. And then those lives change other lives. So it makes me wonder how little of an act it would really take to change the world. And yet it also makes me wonder how much it would actually cost to support myself and my daughter while I write this book. And would that book really bring the change that I have been told it would bring. I know I have faced much pain in my life, but how does explaining the pain that one has traveled help others? I have had dreams of getting the book written... And then speaking about the book... Dreams of being in different places than I have never seen. And yet I find that currently I can't find the courage to start writing again. The thoughts exist and yet the desire to write has been eaten by this driving need to survive day to day. I know we are to trust for our daily bread. But that doesn't mean that we wait to have it handed to us... So I have used my creativity to keep coming up with the funds so that we can continue to survive. And that does a good deal of eating away at the time I have in a day.... Which is where my time to write is going. And yet I know that I have to be the one to provide. No one is going to hand us what we need to pay bills... So somehow I will find the time. Between being my own lawyer... Being a mother... and still being a daughter...
How do you find the need to survive saps away your time each day? How is it keeping you from reaching the potential that God has for your life? How do you see it sapping away those around you for the sake of survival? And finally, How can your actions help someone to find a path to a better level of survival?

Our Tenth Anniversary

10 years.. Me and my child alone... Him living in State Prison... What more could be wrong about these facts...

A Day in court...

You know it is a good day... When you are dragged into court with no noticed, and you without a lawyer get his lawyer in trouble. And get both of the demands that they think they want thrown out of court. All because someone can't play well with others and get out of his current home.

A TV Day

I was watching TV today... And honestly I do not remember what show it was... but the guy said that Abuse is not just about the power... It is about the intimacy. I have spent enough time since I walked out the door learning about the power and control cycle... and the comment made me wonder... What is it about the intimacy in abuse that keeps men using abuse? As a women I find it to be something that made me want to vomit... run away... and when I couldn't run away I ran away to the world of books... and drove myself to attempt to make a normal life for my child. I still have no idea what normal is, but I do know that if people think that abuse leads to intimacy then they do not understand how much the abused person will put up walls inside of themselves to protect their mind from the reality of what is happening. I have lived that... I still live that... And struggle to learn to trust people in my world. And people who should be close to me are held out at arms length, as I try to make sure that they are not going to abuse me too. Which brings me to the question of what walls do we put up to protect ourselves from the reality that abuse is happening around us? How do we stick our head in the sand to think that it can't happen in our church, or even in our neighborhood? That is something that doesn't happen to smart people, or even to us... And yet it does...

"There will be One Day"

There are days that of late have felt so awful. I find myself searching for a purpose. And when I had a chance to go somewhere yesterday to get my cup refilled... I found that instead I was convicted of a lack of obedience. I don't want to be obedient and allow this divorce. I don't want to be obedient and go out to church. I don't want to be obedient to anyone. And yet I know that makes me sound like a selfish child. And yet the biggest I don't want to be obedient is that I don't want to put the words together to make a book about all that has happened. It is hard when you know you have a higher calling on a task. That you have been given a purpose that is greater than yourself. You still feel like... Why not someone else? Why does it have to be me? Why did I have to become an expert in things regarding pain? And yet I know the answer.... There is a force that is greater than any of us. And when asked by it... The only response is yes I will be obedient. I am not being asked to do things that will harm me. Yet after years of hurt it is still hard to do things that I know I must to help me heal. And there is a part of me that still feels like I don't belong anywhere. I miss what I use to have. And yet due to safety I know it can't be. And yet letting a new group of friends in is hard. I keep waiting to get hurt by them. And yet it is the person I am living with that causes the most pain. And emotional pain that she doesn't realize she is doing. And yet the only thing you can do is stand and take it. Never show the pain that is tearing you up inside. I know things are changing... But some days it feels like it has ground to a stop. And yet it kinda funny because right now I am listening to Cheri Keaggy and her song There will be One Day. And it is saying the very things that my heart is longing to say right now to the world. And I pray for the day when there will be no more abuse in this world. Because it is something that is hard to deal with. Even just the fact that it happened is so hard to face. And yet I wonder... What are people doing to make the day come when there will be no more tears?

Riding the Roller Coaster

Being a single parent has it's ups and downs. Honestly today was one of those down days. It started with me still working on finding affordable legal representation. Which is honestly much harder than I want to admit. Given the fact that today I was going to meet with an attorney, only to find out he was called into court. I really can not be upset. I just wish I knew for sure that I had the help that I was going to need to fight this battle. And then in my saga of down days... I have been facing them to the point where everything that I think I should be accomplishing, honestly is not touched and my day is spent in bed. And that isn't going to get me the funds that I need to accomplish all that needs done. I know a part of me should just sit down and finish writing the book. And yet it seems like that is the one thing that I have no focus for lately. And yet I know it will happen. And I pray that once it is written... It will be published and then see the solution to the funds that I need. And to be able to use those funds to help others who are struggling with the same issues that I have faced would be a blessing beyond words. So I will keep working... Keep doing what I need to do... And just be thankful that the worst part of my day... A trip to the ER with my child wasn't more than her having really bruised her fingers. It was an accident... Doors do occasionally get closed on fingers when kids play together. And yet now she knows she needs to be safer. And she is all right. And in the end that is the best blessing a mother could have.

Grown-up Pain

Tonight I feel like crying. Nothing is what it seems to be. And yet why allow the world to see your pain? They will have no compassion. They will only use it as a sign of weakness. That is what his family wants. And yet I won't let them have that from me. I am better than that. I have to be... all because I am a mother and I have a child to raise.