Today...
I learned some things. Like one of the reasons that I am back home for
a bit... You see my mother is sicker than we wanted to realize and will
need to have some procedures done. During that time she will require
more care... At least with this understanding for the moment it makes
it easier to endure the fact that I, an adult, am living under her roof.
In other news... I am starting
to understand that many things can impact our lives after we survive
the actual abuse. It would be so easy to seek out things that would
numb us from the pain. And yet what we need to learn is how to deal
with the pain. Learn how to express it. And then start looking forward
without our past controlling our future. And I am not saying that you
will forget the past, but it will have a very different feel to it.
That is something I have been struggling with for a very long time. And
it didn't just start with the current abuse I faced. I have had to
take each tragic event... death of a loved one... abuse... starting a
new school... moving... and even the birth of my brother.... And had to
start to examine the pieces that were left after the bomb went off
inside my internal storage system. And it has been thru the examining
of these pieces that many of them have lost the hold they had on me.
This is not to say I am perfect. There are always things I run into and
then put back for later.... Almost like I am attempting to hide them
from myself and others.
Has it been a slow learning
process... Of course. When you realize that the same questions you are
currently seeking answers to were the almost exact questions that you
were seeking answers to 15 years ago if not more. It gives you an idea
that maybe I haven't search in the correct places. And I realize that
in my quest for love and the person God had chosen for me. I might have
overlooked some things in my husband. Things that I either saw, but
didn't raise red flags... or Things he hid from me. And it is the later
that is really starting to hurt. Finding things that he hid from me in
this attempt to open the lines of communication and have no secrets...
He kept a cruise liner full!!!!
Yes it hurts... and yet even
now my feelings for him are changing. I will always love the man I
married... And yet I am understanding that it is a fairytale that will
never come back. And I am hopeful that he just might find God. And yet
it will take him showing the fruits of change to bring us back to even
have a conversation... And I have reached the point of letting go... I
do not need to hold onto him... He wants his freedom... I must let
him go... Even scripture tells me this...
Does this leave me a
ton of questions going forward on what is left for me in regards to
faith... Yes. Does it give me a license to remarry... I do not know.
And I might struggle with that for years. Marriage as I know it is
suppose to be forever or death. And while we are going our separate
ways... we are both still very much alive.
And yet it brings me to an interesting question...
What are you willing to let go of for God?
