Peace...
a sense of calm. Something that I guess a part of me always thought
came from the having things... Not a great deal, but enough. A place
to call home... Clothes... Food...
And now, when I am facing
the fact that things are something that just can't be held onto... I am
actually finding peace. A peace that I can't begin to explain. I can
just live it. I live it in the actions that
I take everyday. Actions that are not in trying to fix the situations
around me... but are calling me to focus on what blessings I do have.
And in truth the changes that are happening within me are beyond
understanding.
And in many ways I am finding the strength
inside of me that I have always known was there, but didn't realize how
to access. And how am I doing it... I honestly don't think it is from
me that these changes are coming. I am finding the peace in the quiet
moments that I can share with my child. I am finding the peace in the
fact that I can seek someone who is so much greater than me. And in
that seeking I am finding the doors that have been holding me into the
prison of my own making being taken away.
You see I have
spent so much time in the comfort of the familiar. Not that the
familiar was good for me... It was just that familiar.
And why hope for more when there is comfort in the predictable. Even when the predictable is abuse.
It took a dear set of friends a great deal of time and prayer to start
to chip away at the barriers that I had spent so much time building.
And often times with the barriers... they couldn't be so gentle in
telling me that things could be different. And yet in love they have
also allowed me to grow and make the mistakes that I need to make to
grow. Because they haven't changed me... they have merely been guides
along a path that was set for me a long time ago. A path that is to be
directed by a life mission and not defined by a job. A path that will
leave a mark on this world for the better though I can't begin to
understand how or why...
And I am finding that in these friends
I have been truly blessed by God. I have had to travel a path of
struggle to find some of them. I have pushed them away because of fear.
And in the guidance of life and the discipleship that they have given
me... I have found the faith of my actions. A faith that is freeing
me, not holding me by bondage to rules. A faith that is changing me
sometimes despite myself. And yet in this path the focus of what is to
come is becoming clearer.... And I am realizing that my passions for
life that I was born with are being realized. That the gifts that I
have are going to be what I am called to use. I also realize that there
are still things that I am not good at that God is going to call me to
do that will just allow the world to see His glory.
And the
fear that I felt not so long ago with the fact that this path will be
one of sharing the hurts of my life is being taken away. I am finding a
peace in the words that I can share in the hopes that others who are
living in abuse can see that there is hope. Hope that things can
change. Hope that things can be different. Hope that each day can be a
little bit better than the one before. I understand that life will
always hold challenges for us all... And yet I am finding that these
challenges are being met by faith.
And while I can not change
the conditions that have brought me to this point. And I certainly
can't change the man I married. I have come to peace with the fact that
divorce is part of this journey for me. And that divorce is not the
end... It is just the beginning of the next part of my journey with God.
And while I will not discount the fact that God could indeed change my
husband... I am letting him go. I am letting him go with the
understanding that for now that is what God deems is best in the place
we reached in our marriage with abuse. And though a part of me feels
that it is a death. I will not rule out the fact that we might find
each other again someday. That day is just not today. And the covenant
that we entered into together on the day we married is not the bonds
that I have been taught to feel it is. He choose to break the
covenant... And it is my obedience to God to let him go. And while it
in some ways will be a death of a part of my life... Only God knows what
the future will hold. And while it is freeing me from my marriage...
It will still take time to wrap my head around the freedom that God is
giving me with the fact that my husband broke the covenant. And as I
come to terms with this... And as I allow God to heal my heart... And
to heal the heart of my child... I can maybe someday come to understand
what true love is.... And I would consider myself blessed to only come
to understand what true love of God is...
Have you ever
stopped to ask yourself what you are pursuing in order to feel at peace
or secure? Have you ever stopped to think about what you really want in
life? These are simple yet difficult questions... And yet in taking
the time with people who are suffering you can learn a lot about them
just by asking them what they really want to do. Our ideas and thoughts
of how to fix abuse only work when it is what the person who is living
the abuse feels that it is what they want. And then... Only God knows
what can happen next.
