The
excitement of saving money on gas... Fuel perks are wonderful... To the
panic of realizing that I am asking others to stand beside us and face
him. I realize that this is a what if... but it is one that has already
sent me running before.
The last time I went running I went
in search of home. I have found a small part of that currently, but
have not ever really stopped running. And I am realizing
that a large part of this is due to the fear that I live with. I am
starting to be able to not have it control my every moment, but it is
always there. I am less worried about my death than asking people
around me to take that same risk. You see I would die to protect my
child, but I wonder if it is right to ask others to take that same
risk...
And I have been having a pretty good week. And
yesterday on a day that I dread... I started the process to address the
fact that if I stay and put down roots in a church that feels like
home... I just by attending will put them at risk. And honestly that
is what I fear. Letting people into what is going on in my life and
mind... and opening up to them a world of risk that they have never
known existed before.
This fear is what sent me running from
my house and the church I was attending. My dreams had become filled
with my husband showing up and gunning down the people that I had worked
with at church. Grown to love like a family... And I couldn't bear to
close my eyes to sleep... I would see what had happened in the walls
of our home. And sleep would bring thoughts of what if... But you see
all this what if... has left me without a place that really feels like
home. I own a house with him, but it feels more like an Albatross than a
home. Living with my mother feels more like a child than an adult with
children. And it also isolates me. And yet each step I force myself
to take towards breaking thru the walls that he created thru fear that
became my own mental prison... Now are the ones that I fear walking thru
because of others might be hurt.
I have not figured out yet
how to deal with this fear. The fear of losing those that I love... all
because I loved him enough at one time to marry and have children. And
maybe it is a process... but it is one that others have to face also.
The isolation that was created by the abuse tends to continue from fear
of losing any new ties that we might find. And it brings me to the
question... Why would you... a person who has never seen and lived with
abuse... be willing to stand in the way of harm towards me and my
children?
