I
have not been having a good week. And it has been for a lot of reasons.
And yet today I had the chance to meet with my Pastor, and something
he said to me has really stuck in my mind. I am being held by chains
that say in order to follow Christ I have to suffer. And that it is not
that way for all Christians. But somewhere that is what I got thru my
head. The other thing that he said, is the
fact that a lot of the pain that I am feeling is due to the fact that
life I am living like my hand is always on a hot stove. And these have
gotten me to think. You see abuse in some form has been a part of my
life for so long. I know there was a time as a child when I wasn't
abused. But I also know that sexual abuse started when I was about 5...
But it wasn't in my family, it was by marriage. It wasn't until after
that stopped that as I became a teenager that my mother changed and she
became the abuser. I am not sure what changed at that point, but I
think it came from her loss, all of our loss, of her father... Not that
it should excuse her. And yet, it was the world that continued to be
the challenge to me... Rape... Alcohol... And I got my head together.
Then I got married, and my husband changed before my eyes into the
abuser. And the pain has continued.
But the challenge is to
learn what joy is... It is something I really do not know. I am
starting to think that my Pastor is right. That I have gotten to a
point where I expect pain and feel like I am betraying Christ when I do
not suffer. Now isn't that an item to ponder...
And yet... How
can you help to bring joy? I am really starting to think it is loving
someone in spite. In spite of all they do... in spite of how much they
try to push you away... To just tell them that they are loved... That
they are valued... That they are important... That they are a Child of
God, even if they don't want to believe it...
