Days
seem to fly by and yet in the wake of time I find that time alone is
precious. And that time alone is when I find time to look at the
pictures of my life and all that is going on... Days change because the
weather changes and I see the growth of life again all around me. And
yet I am still trying to dust off the cobwebs of life in my mind. I am
trying to learn how to stand still and call a
place home. And mind you that is not an easy task for someone who
feels the urge to run away from the pain that they have seen not just
lately, but over a lifetime. And as of late this cleaning of my mind
has taken the form of a new set of questions... A new search to
understand the thoughts that race thru my mind...
What is truly
unforgivable sin? And over the course of my life and marriage as I
submitted to my spouse out of love did I ever cross the line to
unforgivable? And yet the more I seem to look at the question the more
the question becomes grey. And right now grey is not a color I want in
my world. I want it to be as clear as a black and white photo... Not a
muddle of questions and ideas. I am trying to figure out what I believe
still and what is left of my life in the wake of my marriage falling
apart, my husband sitting in jail, and way too many court battles for
the safety of my child. I know that God still is here... I just am not
sure where the ideas of my life fit in with that idea... Where do you
find the forgiveness and when is the punishment completed for the crime?
Questions that most people just would brush over in the race of life,
but since I have been so use to the punishment in life I struggle to
find the balance and where what is going on would ever possibly be
unforgivable. And in some ways it is also about how to forgive the
person who just about took your life away from you... How do you find
peace with them? And how do you let go of something that you are not
ready to face? And does that path actually have to involve feelings?
Or is there a logical way to make the path?
Which brings me
to the fact that most people need help when they have faced so much hurt
to learn how to feel... And it makes me wonder what people do to help
those friends around them feel and know they are loved, cared for, and
safe?
