I
have spent a great deal of time this weekend at home. Honestly I
haven't felt like I could leave. It is hard to do when someone you love
is sick. And you want to do what is best for them. And yet the only
thing you can do is to be present. You can't make them go seek help.
So you pray... and you pray more. And then you fight the feelings in
the back of your mind that say this might be the end. That is what it feels like to live with someone who doesn't care.
The hardest part is these same feelings are the ones I had many a day
when I was still living with my husband. Days where he would do
something crazy like bring home 3 dozen donuts and just start eating
them and then have to give himself insulin. A few hours later then his
sugar would be too low so he would start eating junk food again. And
this crazy cycle would repeat itself. And it brings this feeling to the
back of my mind... one where if I breathe wrong... tears will fall.
And I can't do that. I have to be strong. And yet I am wondering why I
must face all these things like they don't bother me. When deep down
they honestly do.
You see... If I don't act like things never
hurt the people who have and are hurting me will know. And then they
will use that against me. And that is a power that creates more hurt
than I can face... As far as advice... break thru thoughts... I have
not a one. Except maybe that even being a faithful follower of Christ
does not make this path easier. Sometimes to me it feels that it is in
many ways harder. But at least when you are facing all of this and the
abuse... you still have the glimmer of hope for the future.
