Stepping
out in faith sometimes takes us back into the face of abuse. I am not
saying this lightly. And it is not something that I would do if my life
was truly at risk. And yet it is something that I have felt God lay
upon my heart.
I have struggled with many things over the
past years. And one of these things is learning to understand my
emotions. Understand how to rely on God. How to allow
God to provide for everything. And yet so often I am quick to attempt
to take back control. To not step out in faith and trust. And yet I am
not coming back into my own mother's world out of trust for her, but
out of trust that God will provide what we need to create whatever He
wants in our relationship. And maybe this path isn't so crazy as it
seems.
Maybe I am coming to understand that I do not belong
in this world, but need to function in it. I need to also not be so
surprised when people do not see the world thru the same eyes that I do.
I see that faith and our world need to go hand and hand. That with
faith every action a person takes is out of love.
Does this
mean I am perfect? No, I am far from that. And yet I value the fact
that my word is good. And despite all that might go wrong... that
having given my word means that I will make it happen. And that
includes money. I do not find that I actually like it, but it is
necessary. And yet it seems to be a device that can be quickly used to
send me into a panic. And once I hit that point of panic I feel like I
have no control over anything and then I give up. And instead of giving
up and surrendering to God... I just give up. So much just then comes
racing into my mind. The build up of the emotions that I controlled for
so long, which I have zero control of now... The random thoughts and
messages that throughout my life I have been taught... And that list
goes on.
And yet it isn't a solution that I am seeking when I
realize where I am heading. It might sound like that to the person I
am speaking to, but in many senses I am seeking a piece of the puzzle.
And without the person even realizing it they can simply tell me a story
or share a thought that God has placed on their heart and it provides
the connect of the pieces that I have been staring at laid out on the
table in front of me. And yet it is hard for me to explain it... I have
not the gift of words. I get tongue tied...
Today that story
was about a lady who was buying a house to open a city mission. I
don't know who the lady was. I don't know where the mission is. What I
do know is that the story talked about taking a step of faith... And
in her case agreeing to a price that was beyond the funds that had been
provided to purchase the house. And she finally took the step of faith
that God would provide the rest of the funds that she needed to make up
the shortfall... And in the process of cleaning out the house to set it
up for the mission... When they came to the last room of the house...
They found two purses... And contained in those purses where the
shortfall that had existed and it was exactly the amount that was
required... And in the end God had provided for the mission, just not in
the way we expect it to happen.
And this hit me... I have been
looking at God to provide in exactly the way I have wanted it to come.
I have been so focused on taking care of things that I haven't let
myself be open to trusting enough to be able to allow God to perform the
miracle that I need Him to perform to have our lives move forward. I
can see the shortfall that I am facing in my finances... I can see the
ways that this can be fixed... And yet I have never stopped to ask God
how He wants to help me overcome the shortfall. I have taken it on my
own to find the solution. Now in my case the shortfall is temporary...
And to most people a small amount... In my case currently $2,000 would
take care of it and take me back to zero debt. And yet to me that seems
to be a mountain that I can't figure out how to face. And I also know
that getting even a small part of that money could go a long way towards
being able to get my own income again... And yet have I sought God's
will? Have I focused on what God is asking of me? And what will happen
when I make sure that I am walking forward with a focus on God and
allow Him to let the pieces of my life fall into place...
And
in an even bigger way... What might happen in my life if I can step out
in faith... Trust God... And allow Him to control the path that He has
set out in front of me... Allow Him to build me up and not even attempt
to figure out what pieces I am missing. And just focus on God and how
amazing He is... Today I got a glimpse of that... I swallowed my
pride... And I listened to God and moved back in with my mother for the
moment. And I found a feeling of peace that I can't explain. And in
many ways it feels like I am being held in the hands of God. And that
He will hold me and carry me... And show me the steps that have not been
revealed to me about how to get from where I currently am to where God
wants me to be... And where God wants me to be is not about me... It is
about the hurting world around us... And saying thru my story that
despite all the pain that the world wants to inflict on us... God can
save us and sustain us, and eventually make it possible to LIVE!!!!
So how do you live? Do you plan your own path? Or are you open to the
whispers of the Holy Spirit on your heart that might ask you to walk
back into a lion's den and face the one thing that you fear the most?
And someday I might just explain what it is that I fear the most...
