Advent
has been going faster than I want it to. And yet I am glad for the
chance to focus on God. And yet it always seems to bring memories of
loss. You see it marks another year without those we love. And it is
not just those who we have lost to death. Though we are all touched by
this in many ways. Death of a parent. Death of a child. And even
death of friends and extended family. And yet
the death that I am feeling most clearly now is the death of my
marriage. The death of the relationships with the extended family I
married into.
You see with Domestic Violence the process of
having safety is not as easy as people would like to think. And while I
walked out for my safety... that simple choice started a process of
death. Not all marriages end in death. Hope does exist that an abuser
can change. Yet I haven't seen that yet. My path started with the
finding a safe place. And then each step that was necessary to protect
myself and my baby brought a new level of death.
The first
part was the fact that it headed to a place where communication was cut
off between myself and my husband. And a deep desire for him to seek
the help that he needs in the hope of saving a marriage. And then a
choice that he made brought a new death. He chose to abandon our
marriage... and served me for divorce. And sadly while he is still
living... it is every much as real as when a spouse dies. And the
heartbreaking is just as painful.
And at this Advent we are
heading towards two years. Two years without a simple conversation.
Two years without the joy of waking up and being near each other. And
yet also two years of waking up alone and realizing that it is over.
And while I struggle with the ability to provide... I understand that
the covenant that I entered into is slipping away. There is not much I
can do, or even think to do in order to diminish the pain that I feel or
even the time to seek how this is going to change me forever.
And while I am attempting to be the strong together parent. It is hard.
Things just are not easy... and yet in this passage of time I need to
learn to trust God... And while I do, sometimes the fears take control
and create inside me questions... Questions of how to move forward...
How to explain things to my baby. And yet in this past few days... I
have stumbled onto a realization that makes me want to cry. And that
realization that in regards to things... I will never be able to do
what others can for her. I can love her... I can teach her about God
and even the world... But the lack of stability and funds that leaving
and being served for divorce has created means that simple requests for
items requires great planning. And something as simple as needing gas
funds to go to an appointment or even to church can seem like an
unscalable mountain.
And people keep asking what they can do
to help... But what really can you do... First is to pray. Not just for
me, my baby, and what we are facing... but also for ways to make ends
meet and still have a little bit left over to do some fun things. And
second is if you really want to help with the funding... Do it in a way
that makes the victim of the violence hold onto a sense of pride... So
the things that you can do that you don't share you are doing really are
the best. Funding is best when it is done without me knowing who is
helping. Because while I know I need the help... I don't desire pity. I
want to be seen as a strong provider who is breaking out of the cycle
of abuse... Not as a project that needs handouts... I like you want to
give... not just of my time, but my limited funds. And helping to keep
me feeling like in a world where my life is spiraling out of control
that there are still some things that I might just have a level of
control.
So offer hugs... Offer a listening ear... Offer what
help you can... but if you feel like you want to help with funds... Do
it in a manner that is quiet and not giving yourself great attention.
Know that the victim/survivor will be thankful... and you will have
removed the stumbling block of the desire to repay what help was given.
And it will free them to be able to pay it forward...
#abuse #domesticviolence #rethinkchurch #Advent #death
