I guess this is part of the package of having my mind pulled apart. Now it is a silly hour and I am awake. I will manage to fall back asleep at some point. And yet this cycle is a back and forth with me and my body. And sadly this part of my life has nothing to do with the abuse... unless my husband exposed me to a super-bug and allowed it to destroy my body. And I think that idea is silly.
Almost 10 years ago, I got sick. So sick that I honestly couldn't make it to the bathroom without getting wet at times. Talk about embarrassing. Well that little detail and a dislocating rib finally saw me in the ER and then in the hospital for over 62 days. And at times it was like my husband was there and with me in the hospital. Other days it seemed like he was worlds away. And yet it wasn't until years after that I came to understand part of the worlds away. It is a part of my life that I still don't feel ready to share.
Back to the sickness... It required 4 surgeries to remove the infection and create a spine for me. And for some reason I am walking despite what the doctor thought. I have come to see where that ability is slowly going away. More so in these past few months. And it is not something I tend to wave in anyone's face, because it is just a fact of life. Someday I will be in wheelchair and that is all I know.
Well the pain that my body has been left with is manageable most days. But with this extreme cold and temperature changes, and other normal things that go on... my pain level shoot thru the roof. And right now I am awake because of that. I am not in pain, but I am awake... kinda in a daze. Working on making myself go back to sleep... but thought I would write.
I am starting to think that writing has become something that is slowly replacing the old ways that I use to cope. That doesn't mean that I still at times don't think about them. It doesn't mean that I don't have a zillion questions that I need to find answers for... It just means that it is delaying the thought of an old way of coping turning into an action. And that I would say is progress. I have known that it would not be easy. That it is more like it going into remission than being cured. And I understand that because something happens and my mind is right back to the action. And sometimes without doing a thing it is like my body feels what it is asking me to do. It almost is like craving the idea and the release that it brings. The ability of that action to quickly focus my thoughts, emotions, and pain on one small physical pain that drives all others into a box, which it seals. It is like craving this feeling that comes from the action because it brings a focus of all my pain... but it also brings a calm. A calm of my mind. And yet I know that I need to keep working on staying away from those thoughts and actions. It is so hard to stop... so easy to slip back into thinking about it... and a feeling that your body longs for again and again...
But for now... I WILL NOT DO IT!!!!
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