If you would ask me how I feel right now. I am not sure how I would answer you. In my search for knowledge I am finding that my feelings are all over the place. I am not sure if it is stress... or if it is something else. There are points when I want to scream and shout. There are points when I feel like crying. I feel and maybe that is a blessing. I have spent so much of my life stuffing feelings away. And maybe that is why I am finding I really don't know how to explain how I feel. And a part of me just wants to have the screaming stop... Honestly how did it get so far from normal? And yet what is normal?
I feel like I am living in a place of I want it now and I am not going to wait. And honestly I am so done with this. My husband did it all the time. Others around me continue to do it. And I honestly just don't know how to breathe around all this hostile energy anymore. And yet I sacrifice... I give up what I want for what others need and sometimes want. I feel pulled and my mind is full of questions. Questions that seem to yield more questions than answers. And some of those questions I am so afraid to share. And if I can't I don't know where I will find the answers.
I pray to God... we need a place of our own. I wonder if I am asking for something selfish. And yet I don't know if I should ask for anything. Because as of late... I feel like I have found more road blocks than solutions... And yet I move forward, because God must have something in store for us. And I pray it is something easier for awhile, because if I find more roadblocks... I might just sit down and cry.
#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings
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