I have been reading again to escape the days of cold and sadness. It seems like of late that nothing is moving forward. I feel that in many ways I have been sliding back down the hill. And not the fun sliding of enjoying the snow. It is much more like the trying to find the mountain top and reaching up and loosing my grip. And yet for me the easiest way to deal is to read...
So I have been reading The Preacher's Bride by Jody Hedlund. And while I am going to quote from her book, since I use an e reader I have not an idea of what page it is on...
"Hardships are the Lord's greatest blessing to the believer. Without them we would love the Lord only for what He does for us. Our troubles teach us to love Him for who He is."
And for the first time I found myself having to stop and look at the years of my life in a much different way. I may never have had an easy path, but there have been points when I felt like I was in God's grace. And yet most days I wonder if God even knows if I am alive. And those days grew harder in the later years of my marriage, when I was living with my husband still. And even the days since I walked out the door. Because all these days are not full of the memories of wonderful times together in marriage. And they are not even full of the wonderful memories of being a mother. Though there is much more of those memories.
Hardships have become a norm for my life. And people will say ask and you shall receive. Well I have reached a point that I don't even know what to ask. I can't even tell you at this point what is desirable to God, because I feel like I have failed Him. And it is so easy to fill my days with wonder of what I do need to sacrifice to change the status of the hardships. Where did I fail in submission to my husband? Where did I not honor my parents enough? And what cross am I not carrying the right way?
I honestly have no answers for the questions that race thru my mind. I have no idea of what is to become of us in the days that come. What I can tell you is that it is a reality that I have been sued for divorce. That I have to figure out what is going to happen to the house we bought together with white picket fence dreams of our future. And that I am currently left as a single parent, who has had to sacrifice almost every physical thing that I own in order to support us. And I can understand that God doesn't want us to worship the things of this world... But what is the line between need and want. And that is where I am left yet again to wonder...
So, the blessing that I can say that I have is currently having a place to lay my head down and sleep that is not outside in the cold. The fact that at the moment I know we are afforded some measure of safety because my husband, for reasons unknown, is still living in jail. And honestly I have nothing to do with it, I removed all my objections to his parole in September. I am aware that his family is seeking to know exactly where we are. And yes that has the increased risk that I will be hacked and that all the information they think they need will be revealed. And yet, I know that each action that they all take is a blessing... not because of what it is currently doing. But because of what it can mean to our future. And while it makes my nerves rattle to get a notification that someone tried to get into my Facebook account in Salt Lake City on day, or that someone is checking out my profile on another site... At least I know that I have added all the extra security I can to these accounts. And that lets me know this is happening.
I am at least thankful that despite all the horrible things that I have seen and put thru... I can still enjoy the simple moment of a child who is growing up and exploring her world. And in many ways taking it by storm... And that alone is a blessing that I can hold dear to my heart. That God trusted me enough to loan me my baby to raise to love Him.
#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings
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