Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 8

I am still trying to figure out where the day disappeared to... Oh yes, I was stuck answering a whole pile of questions that I hate to have to answer and really are not anyone's business.  I love the fact that people who want to help you think they have a right to destroy the sense of privacy that you manage to create.  And yet, I know a part of it is required.  And I struggle with the boundaries.  But of course don't we all struggle with boundaries...  The line between what we share and what we just sweep under the carpet in the hope that the lump under the carpet isn't big enough to notice.  Well in my life the lump under the carpet has turned into the elephant in the room.  

You see all those years that I lived in our white picket fence house, I thought I was hiding the daily problems that I faced by sweeping them away.  Burying them and never speaking of the acts that I was preforming.  And yet each item had tried to make sure that the world never knew had happened... was becoming an image that was burned into my own mind.  And yet even now those images are hard to forget.  They seem to put a tint on my marriage that makes it hard to move forward...  and yet I must. 

And in this moving forward I am still working on focusing on a month of blessings.  And yet at day 8 I am starting to realize that this is going to be harder than I realized.  And yet today I am understanding that it is a blessing that I will be able to meet with my pastor tomorrow.  And that I have had a great deal of blessings from the pastors in my life these last few years.  And it is not a blessing in the way that you think, it is a blessing because it is the one place that I can talk and sort thru all that is wrong.  A safe place to question some of the things that I have learned growing up and other things that I am struggling with now because of the divorce.

You see... in many ways I am finding that my feelings are of being Hester Prynne in the Scarlet Letter.  That this divorce is leaving me wearing a red letter as a mark of what I have done wrong.  And in many ways it is a struggle to understand and realize that it was not all my fault.  And that I may not be bound in the way I believe to the marriage that will end in divorce.  But it is a struggle.  Change is not easy.  And single parenthood is even harder.  But as of late I am starting to see that it happened historically more than I think I ever wanted to see.  But for the moment I will take the fact that tomorrow I will be in a safe place to talk...  and that will help me more than a lot of other things can.


#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings