What is the draw of peanut butter and honey? I have to ask myself that question. And yet I really don't know the reason, but I do know when the issue started. And maybe knowing when the issue started is enough of a blessing right now.
It started after I lost... my grandfather... my great-grandmother... and my grandfather. The three losses in little over a year took a toll on me. And my family. And that last one seemed to bring a lasting toll that I still feel today. To know my grandfather was to be cherished. And yet my mother would say that he never expressed love to her. So the chasm of expression was so great that I have heard out of her mouth that I loved him so much that he died.
And for a twelve year old child, that sentence tore me into two. And I started eating. At first it wasn't a big thing, but it was peanut butter crackers. And from there it grew. I stuffed all the feelings into that eating. And oh did I bury them good. In a short time I went from wearing a size 9 to pushing a 12, and sometimes a 14. But it wasn't just that tear in my soul that lead me there. It also helped me to learn to bury the demons that I had hidden so well, that came crawling out at the point when I hit high school.
And at that point, food changed its role in my life forever. It didn't just become eating. It became controlling everything that did and did not go into my body. And that sent me on a roller coaster that I am still on today. Give me a good day without much stress and I eat a healthy meal or two and can function. Give me a day with a bit of overwhelming anything... and the peanut butter, sugar, chocolate, or whatever else I can dig up is eaten. And once I start I just can't put it down.
Some people would say it is a lack of will power... and yet I am not sure it is that. I am starting to wonder if a huge part of this cycle that I am on is the fact that I feel so worthless. That I can't understand how my body can be viewed as a temple for God... and on top of that I also can't understand how I can have a perfectly good day end with the fact that my daughter starts to head to bed with the words I am angry. And I feel so beat up by those words that just for one night I want to sleep in peace... and let her sleep somewhere else in the house. And right now that feels like the biggest blessing I could have been given today... Time to really be alone and know that my daughter is just in the other room and safe, but sleeping.
#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings
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