I would love to be able to say that today was this wonderful story book kinda day. But alas it was so far from it that I just don't know if I can figure out right now which end is up... I know we have all heard that one. But it really wasn't the best day I could have. My plans of spending time with a friend were taken away by a hair appointment for someone else. Let me just say that I could be upset, but I honestly can't. And yet I don't get why people pay anymore to go get their hair done.
And I was also told today that I could be upset/angry with my pastor, by him. That totally doesn't make sense to me. So I am left with a mind that is racing faster than the Daytona 500, and not seeming to gain any progress. But I guess that depends on what you call progress. When it feels like a steam roller of ideas has run over you, maybe that is progress? And when you feel like someone is taking apart each and every idea that you have lived your life by it is very hard to think that anything is story book.
So, my mind is trying to calculate these equations that have been solved one way for many years. And yet now it is being suggested that I might not have had all the information in the equation. And that part scares me. Because it means I have to really stop and think about submission, honor, and obey... And those three words open a whole can of worms that I really don't like. But the part that I am still trying to understand is that my thought process just might say that God rejoices in the fact that husbands abuse their wives... and that was never something I considered before. You see a part of me has always felt that I came under my parents authority until I was married. And then I came under my husband's authority. I just never questioned if that authority included the right to abuse me. And yet I submitted to the abuse. I worked and searched for each thing that I had done wrong to make his behavior change. And I attempted any change that I thought might please him and make his overall attitude calmer. Seriously you try to keep a 2 year old quiet to keep a husband happy. And that was one of the easiest items on the list... which included the fact that I was not to desire anything at any time... It was up to him when and where... And I better be ready to make him really happy.
And yet that is far from today... Today I went and started the process to see about housing for us. Housing that is not living in someone else's house and upsetting them. Where the choices that I make seem to create a newer and even higher level of stress. Because apparently I am killing my mother with trying to take care of her. And I am not trying so much that I have created this need to live forever. And yet I know that a day will come when I have to deal with life and death choices again. And I have been told what I can and can not do... so we will just have to see what happens. But these reforms in health care have taken her from a manageable plan as far as costs out of pocket. To one that you need to have saved over $10,000 for each year that you are going to be retired and on Medicare, just to cover out of pocket medical costs. And I do not know a lot of people who have that kind of funds sitting around. So her choice with these facts is... don't seek medical help. And I have to learn to accept this choice. To let them not seek anything beyond a simple doctor visit to get a check-up.
The other fun from today has been the pain. I have reached new heights with the pain breaking thru the medications. And a part of it I am sure is stress. But a bigger part of it is weather. And yet today I felt like tiny knives were being stuck into each joint... and that a much larger one was in my belly. It scares me, like so much else going wrong lately. But I don't know how to address this issue. My options for which type of doctor we are at to suggest is the one type that I tend to run into the hills to avoid. So... we stand at my pain, sickness abounding in the house, pain that drives you crazy. And we wonder when I am going to fall apart. And yet I haven't. It is just like this dance that my mother and I go thru for her heath care needs. And one that just might continue much longer than I can think about.
So what do I have to be thankful for as a blessing... well you have the fact that I was asked a bunch of difficult questions today and still can talk about it. And the fact that I had someone listen, and even felt safe. And safe is not an easy feeling to create. And while I have a lot to process about today. I am thankful that I can talk and that some people still listen!
#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings
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