Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 28

Honestly today I am thankful for notification of 2 hour delays for school... before we go to bed and then wake up to get ready for school.  I am actually also thankful for the bitter cold weather that we have had to give me more time to allow this idea of school to sink in.... but couldn't it stay cold for a little while longer.  Then we could have even more days of fun.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 27

Disney's Frozen!!!

Honestly this was the blessing for today... No school for today and no school tomorrow... so myself and my munchkin got to see the movie Frozen for free.  What a wonderful way to spend some time with just her.  And what a wonderful movie that has really spoken to my heart in ways that I never expected.


#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Permissible But Not Beneficial

Permissible But Not Beneficial ~ Just because something is permissible doesn’t mean it is beneficial to us.  Share a personal example.

I have always been a person who has tried to follow the rules.  And not create waves in the world.  And yet in order to accomplish this I have gone down a path of things that are legal, yet really are not good for me.  A part of it started when I had my first full time post college job...  I worked second shift and when I took the time to shop for food and cook, I ate healthy.  Better than I did for many years after.  But you see in the rush of taking additional courses to keep my student loans at bay and work... time seemed to slip away from me that I could accomplish the things one needs to do in order to manage a household.  And since I was a household of one...  I found a very quick and easy way to manage to eat.  Each night I would partake of running across Route 1 and heading into McDonald's to eat.  And each weekend I took advantage of 25 cent donuts from Dunkin Donuts.  It really might be the reason that today I really do not like to eat them.

And six nights a week... I ate my dinner and drowned myself in hamburger and french fries...  and then would numb my mind with donuts.  It was like I was drugging myself.  But it was also helping to deal with the emotions that I needed buried.  And food was the fastest way to bury them.  And that is where my weight gain started.  Even having reached a point that I did seek help and was being treated for depression... my weight kept climbing and climbing.  And yet it wasn't until my husband went to jail that I started to drop pounds.  And I still don't understand the why, but I know that I continued to do things that I could do... eat whenever... eat whatever...  and sadly that didn't help keep me into my clothes.  And yet I could go on, because this path of permissible was something that would haunt me in my own marriage.  And caused me to want to numb the voices around me telling me that I shouldn't, but I did.

 

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 23

Today has been a busy day... Lots of time in the car and the struggle to find the time for school work.  It has been a pretty good day for school work.  And yet I still had to deal with the bored and impossible.  She has to make a choice... either it is boring or impossible... not both.  And I know she had fun, even with the fact that she is currently grumpy about the light from the computer since I can't sleep due to pain.  That is the downfall of the trip is the pain that I face once I stop moving.  And yet I am finding tonight a bit harder.  The cold weather is taking a toll on my body this year.  It is a challenge that I am working to face. 

And yet today I need to see the blessing in the midst of the pain.  And that blessing might seem silly...  I was able to get a new journal and was able to find one in my favorite color.  I honestly can't wait to fill the one I am currently almost done with and start this next one... and move forward to a new stage in life again...

#beatdepression!
#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings 

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 22

Today has been a day of mixed feelings and even blessings.  I was so blessed with the fact of a 2 hour delay on having to wake up.  And I felt blessed, more accomplished, to be able to clear out the trash collection that seems to pile up in my car.  I just can't ever seem to manage to keep my car clean.  But it is also a blessing that it is my car... free and clear.  And yet today I am struggling because the road blocks seem to be stacking much higher than the blessings.  And yet it is sad why those road blocks exist.  I am facing the fall out of the fact that in order to try to save the house I own with my husband.  So despite the fact that I was trying to keep the house... cover the taxes.  That plan backfired and taught me a great deal.  First don't expect people to pay rent, heat your house... even if they are renting it and living in it.  Second... don't expect them to take responsibility for anything they break...  And finally after they have stolen from you in many ways... don't be shocked when they move out without telling you... and then drop right into your lap that the you break it you fix it doesn't count for them, even though they signed the lease... and they leave your house with a broken water pipe.  So no water inside the house and they will try the best they can to clean without the water.  And that today has threatened to rain on my day.  And yet at the same time I was told that my baby is keeping up and is doing amazing with her school work.  And that was one blessing I dearly needed to hear today.  Because so much was pulling me down.


#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 21

Today was a blessing for a reason I will never really understand.  I had to go and meet with my attorney for the divorce...  so it gave me time to figure out where to find boots that fit my baby to keep her feet warm.  And time to spend alone and be able to get some new clothes for the both of us from my favorite thrift store.  And then I meet up with a friend of mine at the prayer meeting she attends each week.  And it was like stepping into a ribbon of time that was not moving.  It was such a blessing to spend time with fellow believers and to spend the time focusing on God.  And yet when we finally stood and looked at the time I was shocked to realize that time didn't stop... it was racing by and I was so drawn into fellowship that time didn't matter.  And that is a blessing that I want to, actually need to hold onto.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 20

Today is a day of remembering a man who stood up for the equality of all.  And spoke about the fact that beyond this time, God doesn't see us as different.  We are all made in his image.  But more importantly I have found the blessing in one last day to enjoy the company of my baby, before school starts up.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 19

Today I am grateful that I have a church that likes me.  Even when I do strange things like feel this great need to sit in the corner on the floor, just allow me to do something that makes me feel safe even when I can't explain it to even myself. 

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 18

Each day as of late has been a challenge, but today the blessings came in some real simple things... Like a friend getting minutes for her phone... And my pastor reminding me that in the midst of all the unknown and change that I have a spiritual home.  Almost like I was getting another invitation to walk back thru the doors. 

And I think I needed it.  The last day that I was there my daughter wound up in the hospital and it as overwhelming.  Not something I want a repeat of.  And yet I need the support.  I find that I feel like I am not getting anywhere currently... Like it is impossible to do anything correct.  And yet...  someone says I belong.  And right now I need to belong, because I still feel like I am in the middle of the ocean without a compass.  And hoping that I am getting the right direction, but also knowing that the currents are dragging me along much more than I can do myself.  

But maybe that is okay.  Because the currents could be guiding me to the path God wants me to be on.  And yet my desire for control wants to direct my path.  And that is never the best thing, because then I run away and hide.  And right now hiding isn't going to fix the wanting to belong...  

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 17

What is the draw of peanut butter and honey?  I have to ask myself that question.  And yet I really don't know the reason, but I do know when the issue started.  And maybe knowing when the issue started is enough of a blessing right now.

It started after I lost... my grandfather... my great-grandmother... and my grandfather.  The three losses in little over a year took a toll on me.  And my family.  And that last one seemed to bring a lasting toll that I still feel today.  To know my grandfather was to be cherished.  And yet my mother would say that he never expressed love to her.  So the chasm of expression was so great that I have heard out of her mouth that I loved him so much that he died.  

And for a twelve year old child, that sentence tore me into two.  And I started eating.  At first it wasn't a big thing, but it was peanut butter crackers.  And from there it grew.  I stuffed all the feelings into that eating.  And oh did I bury them good.  In a short time I went from wearing a size 9 to pushing a 12, and sometimes a 14.  But it wasn't just that tear in my soul that lead me there.  It also helped me to learn to bury the demons that I had hidden so well, that came crawling out at the point when I hit high school.

And at that point, food changed its role in my life forever.  It didn't just become eating.  It became controlling everything that did and did not go into my body.  And that sent me on a roller coaster that I am still on today.  Give me a good day without much stress and I eat a healthy meal or two and can function.  Give me a day with a bit of overwhelming anything... and the peanut butter, sugar, chocolate, or whatever else I can dig up is eaten.  And once I start I just can't put it down.  

Some people would say it is a lack of will power... and yet I am not sure it is that.  I am starting to wonder if a huge part of this cycle that I am on is the fact that I feel so worthless.  That I can't understand how my body can be viewed as a temple for God...  and on top of that I also can't understand how I can have a perfectly good day end with the fact that my daughter starts to head to bed with the words I am angry.  And I feel so beat up by those words that just for one night I want to sleep in peace... and let her sleep somewhere else in the house.  And right now that feels like the biggest blessing I could have been given today... Time to really be alone and know that my daughter is just in the other room and safe, but sleeping.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

#CraveGod and take a step of faith!

You Are Invited – Write a post telling why you joined Made To Crave OBS and invite your readers to join us, too!

I have been struggling to figure out how I want to start off this Made To Crave study's blog hop.  You see as of late I have been working against the actual goals of why I signed up for Made To Crave... and to add insult I have started reading the book so that the weeks of double chapters I don't fall behind again.  

I joined the last study for A Confident Heart... and found that I was drawn to the study, because it made me have to step out of the box that I have found us living in.  The box that has put us in a place of fear... and a place of unknown.  The study forced me to start to think beyond the effects that have been forced upon my life because of the divorce I am facing.  And in many ways it allowed me to have the time to focus on God.  

I am praying that having joined Made To Crave, that I will be able to see the changes of stress eating when things are feeling out of control in my life.  A process that began a long time before I was married, but has only worsened since I got married.  And while I understand the fact that food is something that I can control.  I have to change the fact that instead of dealing with the emotions that tend to overwhelm me in tidal waves, I attempt to bury those feelings in food.  And while it works, it has the effect of increasing my clothes size and that adds to the stress that I feel.   Because seriously how can I find peace when I can't even have a mirror in my house.  And the additional drain on my body from the increase in my pain just is the icing on the cake.  

So, I have come to start to try to try a new way to change.  A way that puts God at the focus of the change.  And with a hope that despite the all of the dreams in my life that are dying, that this might be one of the ones that holds and grows into something new and beautiful.  So that I might be reborn from the ashes of a marriage that was full of abuse.  That I might find the confidence I need in God to start to step forward in faith for the path He keeps telling me to trust Him and begin to walk forward.  And that trust that He will shower blessings on my broken soul so that I can be a voice for the voiceless... and have the strength of God to step forward and share all of the pain that was inflicted behind closed doors.  And bring the reality of Domestic Violence out from behind closed doors and into the public view and into our churches so that we can minister to the broken women and children who are living in the shadows of abuse.  

So pray for me as I take another step forward towards God... and also thru the fires of the divorce.  So that I might become the picture of what God sees me as.  So I invite you to enter my world here as I participate in the latest Made To Crave On-line Bible Study with Proverbs 31...  So we can #CraveGod together...

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 16

Day 16... and all I can seem to see is the level of stress that seems to never disappear.  And this is not helped with the fact of the divorce.  I have to face it and deal with it.  And yet I deal with the effect of it daily in our child.  Anger that is directed at me, because the source of her anger is not here.  He is sitting in jail, and currently that is a blessing to me and her.  One that she just doesn't understand right now.  With her father in jail... we are safer than we would be with him being free.  And yet in her childish mind... she only see what she is missing.  She see the fact that we are not living the life that she started with.  That her father is missing.  And yet age prevents her from completely understanding all the reasons that play into these changes in what she has known as normal.

So I continue, in knowing that God is blessing me with the fact that the one person who has broken us so much is locked into a place that he is controlled.  And praying that one day my baby will understand the blessing that God has given us in safety and a place to call home, even if it is just for a while.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 15

Six donuts and a chocolate milk shake later... I am calm and ready to deal with the world.  Okay it wasn't just that.  It also was a night out.  And before the world thinks I abandoned my baby...  I didn't.  She was taken care of.  I just needed to reconnect to Celebrate Recovery.  It goes beyond what most people would think something like AA is.  And for me it is much more.  It lifts my spirit and lets me focus on God.  And when things are rough that is just what I need.  And today a junk filled night.  And while I hit myself over the head for eating all that junk.  I just am not ready to face what I am dealing with in donuts and a milk shake.

And yet today... I am thankful for Celebrate Recovery.  It has been a balm to my soul these past two years in dealing with the aftermath of Domestic Violence and the process of accepting the divorce.  And you don't need something so great to deal with.  It is a safe place to focus on God... Pray for others... And realize that we are never alone.  And that is what I need reminded of when I feel like I am stuck in a valley in this life.  It shows me where the mountain top is... and while I still don't know the exact path... I can see I am still moving forward!!!!


#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 14

I was asked...  
If I could live one day over again, what day would it be and why?


Honestly my first instinct was to say the day my husband tried to kill me - to get him help before he got so sick. Or the day my father got sick to tell them what was wrong with him. And then I am realizing that to go back and change anything would be playing god - and that would be worse than anything else that has happened... and what has happened could fill several books.

And that is when I realized that despite the pain and trauma that I have lived thru, that God has been with me thru it all.  At times I have felt so far away from God, and yet He was paving a path ahead of me to lead me away from the pain.  And it is something that I am still so thankful for the people God has used.  I still keenly miss the one who has gone onto God... and know that they all think they did nothing out of the ordinary.  So that amazes me and also creates a struggle in the fact that I wish there was something I could do to repay them.  And yet that currently is not to be...  because I am still barely holding on some days.  Money is always tight and expenses add up so quickly.  And simple things like a phone bill being paid to me is heaven sent.

So... I will end with this.  Sometimes the blessings we are seeking are hidden in the most simple of acts in life.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 13

If you would ask me how I feel right now.  I am not sure how I would answer you.  In my search for knowledge I am finding that my feelings are all over the place.  I am not sure if it is stress... or if it is something else.  There are points when I want to scream and shout.  There are points when I feel like crying.  I feel and maybe that is a blessing.  I have spent so much of my life stuffing feelings away.  And maybe that is why I am finding I really don't know how to explain how I feel.  And a part of me just wants to have the screaming stop...  Honestly how did it get so far from normal?  And yet what is normal? 

I feel like I am living in a place of I want it now and I am not going to wait.  And honestly I am so done with this.  My husband did it all the time.  Others around me continue to do it.  And I honestly just don't know how to breathe around all this hostile energy anymore.  And yet I sacrifice... I give up what I want for what others need and sometimes want.  I feel pulled and my mind is full of questions.  Questions that seem to yield more questions than answers.  And some of those questions I am so afraid to share.  And if I can't I don't know where I will find the answers.

I pray to God... we need a place of our own.  I wonder if I am asking for something selfish.  And yet I don't know if I should ask for anything.  Because as of late... I feel like I have found more road blocks than solutions...  And yet I move forward, because God must have something in store for us.  And I pray it is something easier for awhile, because if I find more roadblocks... I might just sit down and cry.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 12

For the twelfth day of January, I would love to say my true love gave to me....  But alas my true love is a fleeting dream.  A figment of my imagination.  And yet a part of me wants to hold on to that dream.  Like even after I face the divorce, it would be possible to find true love.  That God would allow a scorned woman to have a second chance at love.  But then that is me... marriage is for life.  And  praying for him to die, well not something I want to venture on the path of, because in the end it would be me who was suffering.

And as of late, I have been the one suffering.  My body and head hurts.  I have been drawn down into the never ending battle with migraines.  And while it can be an interesting one full of color and sounds that don't exist... I find it more of a reason to curl up and sleep.  And allow my body to let the migraine go.  And that was the blessing that I was given today...  A day of sleep and rest.  One that was much needed.  And yet in many ways the perfect blessing for a Sunday where lifting my head hurt... and the thought of driving in was a crazy notion.  But sleep... that is where our body can heal, and our mind can work on making sense of all the information that we have received and need to fit into the puzzle of our life.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 11

Normally it is in the ending hours of the day that I find the quiet to sit down and get on my computer.  And yet today here I am in the early hours of the morning.  As I write I am listening to the sound that I am most thankful for...  my baby sleeping.  I have found her to be a true blessing from God.  One that at times makes it easy to forget the abuse that occurred while we were still living together with her father/my husband.  And yet it is because of her, and my love for her that we are able to sleep and not worry about being hurt by him.  She reminded me of God as she grew up and I was able to watch her become the young lady she is today.  And it fueled my desire to raise her to love and fear God, not her father.  And so with my heart and mind full of fear... I took the first steps away to safety knowing that I was doing the best thing that I could do in honoring God's gift of her to me.  And that in time she would learn the reasons that I walked out the door.  And that maybe she would learn to be thankful to God that I had left so that she could become the woman that God has intended her to become.  And not become a pawn in the sick game her father plays.

And today it is my prayer to you that maybe you can catch a glimpse and understand how I can view my daughter as a blessing from God.  Even when she is still dancing around the house and singing Christmas Carols and starting to plan in her mind our Christmas 2014.  And how much of a blessing it is to know that she loves God, and is taking her first steps in learning to trust Him with the fact that it just might be better for us both to be away from her father.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

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Made to Crave - Introduction Post

30,000 people seems like more people than I have ever seen in one place at one time... but as to why I have signed up to be a small number in that large number.  I am headed to the two years anniversary of the day I walked out the door from an abusive relationship.  And just this past year did I stumble almost by accident on "Unglued" and found it drawing me to God in ways that I didn't even know could exist.  And then signed up for the last study of "A Confident Heart" and learned even more than I could have from just reading the book.  And "Made to Crave" is touching on a subject that I have struggled with for years.  And in that struggle I have tried everything I could with my own power.  And now knowing that it hasn't worked with me controlling the problem, though at times it feels like the only thing I can control in my life, I find that God wants me to address this issue not just for myself, but also for my daughter who is a type 1 diabetic and it is challenging us to change what I desire to eat.  Otherwise, I am now a single parent, who is being sued for divorce, and is trying to understand God and the callings and pulls He puts in my heart.

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 10

I really am surprised that a simple goal that I set for the start of the year is actually being accomplished.  I have managed to get 1/3 of the way thru the month.  I have spent so much of the last few years not even being able to think about a goal.  It has been focused on our safety.  And that tends to take a lot of energy.  More than most people would stop to think.

And yet during that time I have also been forced to have to think.  Not just about the immediate concerns that we face with regards to funds, a place to stay, how to have a life and yet stay off the radar from my husband.  But today is the first day in a long while that I am starting to feel a bit more calm.  And that is something that I am thankful for.  You see yesterday I felt steam rolled by my pastor, not that it was his fault.  And yet it surprises me that despite the e-mails that I have sent him and the sorting thru how my faith stands after all I have been thru in these past few years, let alone my life.  I honestly am thankful for the fact that my pastor is calm and patient.  Even when it seems to me that my mind is going in circles.  And to me it is seems that my mind is always going into circles.

I guess this point finding people that actually understand how I think.  And people who actually write in a language that I understand... That is the true blessing.  Because I am starting to see where events that have happened in my past have given me a tinted view of my faith.  And that understanding of my faith is what needs to be surgically examined and then put back together in accordance with God's plans.  And while that is not easy... It is the path that I am walking.  One that I wish I could hide from... sometimes bury myself in a blanket fort to be safe.  And yet despite the fear I am taking steps.  Steps to talk and start the process of sorting thru my mind, and trying to understand what feelings are.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings 

Fleeting Sleep...

I guess this is part of the package of having my mind pulled apart.  Now it is a silly hour and I am awake.  I will manage to fall back asleep at some point.  And yet this cycle is a back and forth with me and my body.  And sadly this part of my life has nothing to do with the abuse...  unless my husband exposed me to a super-bug and allowed it to destroy my body.  And I think that idea is silly.

Almost 10 years ago, I got sick.  So sick that I honestly couldn't make it to the bathroom without getting wet at times.  Talk about embarrassing.  Well that little detail and a dislocating rib finally saw me in the ER and then in the hospital for over 62 days.  And at times it was like my husband was there and with me in the hospital.  Other days it seemed like he was worlds away.  And yet it wasn't until years after that I came to understand part of the worlds away.  It is a part of my life that I still don't feel ready to share.  

Back to the sickness... It required 4 surgeries to remove the infection and create a spine for me.  And for some reason I am walking despite what the doctor thought.  I have come to see where that ability is slowly going away.  More so in these past few months.  And it is not something I tend to wave in anyone's face, because it is just a fact of life.  Someday I will be in wheelchair and that is all I know.  

Well the pain that my body has been left with is manageable most days.  But with this extreme cold and temperature changes, and other normal things that go on... my pain level shoot thru the roof.  And right now I am awake because of that.  I am not in pain, but I am awake... kinda in a daze.  Working on making myself go back to sleep... but thought I would write.  

I am starting to think that writing has become something that is slowly replacing the old ways that I use to cope.  That doesn't mean that I still at times don't think about them.  It doesn't mean that I don't have a zillion questions that I need to find answers for...  It just means that it is delaying the thought of an old way of coping turning into an action.  And that I would say is progress.  I have known that it would not be easy.  That it is more like it going into remission than being cured.  And I understand that because something happens and my mind is right back to the action.  And sometimes without doing a thing it is like my body feels what it is asking me to do.  It almost is like craving the idea and the release that it brings.  The ability of that action to quickly focus my thoughts, emotions, and pain on one small physical pain that drives all others into a box, which it seals.  It is like craving this feeling that comes from the action because it brings a focus of all my pain... but it also brings a calm.  A calm of my mind.  And yet I know that I need to keep working on staying away from those thoughts and actions.  It is so hard to stop... so easy to slip back into thinking about it... and a feeling that your body longs for again and again...

But for now... I WILL NOT DO IT!!!!

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 9

I would love to be able to say that today was this wonderful story book kinda day.  But alas it was so far from it that I just don't know if I can figure out right now which end is up...  I know we have all heard that one.  But it really wasn't the best day I could have.  My plans of spending time with a friend were taken away by a hair appointment for someone else.  Let me just say that I could be upset, but I honestly can't.  And yet I don't get why people pay anymore to go get their hair done. 

And I was also told today that I could be upset/angry with my pastor, by him.  That totally doesn't make sense to me.  So I am left with a mind that is racing faster than the Daytona 500, and not seeming to gain any progress.  But I guess that depends on what you call progress.  When it feels like a steam roller of ideas has run over you, maybe that is progress?  And when you feel like someone is taking apart each and every idea that you have lived your life by it is very hard to think that anything is story book.  

So, my mind is trying to calculate these equations that have been solved one way for many years.  And yet now it is being suggested that I might not have had all the information in the equation.  And that part scares me.  Because it means I have to really stop and think about submission, honor, and obey...  And those three words open a whole can of worms that I really don't like.  But the part that I am still trying to understand is that my thought process just might say that God rejoices in the fact that husbands abuse their wives... and that was never something I considered before.  You see a part of me has always felt that I came under my parents authority until I was married.  And then I came under my husband's authority.  I just never questioned if that authority included the right to abuse me.  And yet I submitted to the abuse.  I worked and searched for each thing that I had done wrong to make his behavior change.  And I attempted any change that I thought might please him and make his overall attitude calmer.  Seriously you try to keep a 2 year old quiet to keep a husband happy.  And that was one of the easiest items on the list... which included the fact that I was not to desire anything at any time... It was up to him when and where... And I better be ready to make him really happy.  

And yet that is far from today... Today I went and started the process to see about housing for us.  Housing that is not living in someone else's house and upsetting them.  Where the choices that I make seem to create a newer and even higher level of stress.  Because apparently I am killing my mother with trying to take care of her.  And I am not trying so much that I have created this need to live forever.  And yet I know that a day will come when I have to deal with life and death choices again.  And I have been told what I can and can not do...  so we will just have to see what happens.  But these reforms in health care have taken her from a manageable plan as far as costs out of pocket.  To one that you need to have saved over $10,000 for each year that you are going to be retired and on Medicare, just to cover out of pocket medical costs.  And I do not know a lot of people who have that kind of funds sitting around.  So her choice with these facts is... don't seek medical help.  And I have to learn to accept this choice.  To let them not seek anything beyond a simple doctor visit to get a check-up.  

The other fun from today has been the pain.  I have reached new heights with the pain breaking thru the medications.  And a part of it I am sure is stress.  But a bigger part of it is weather.  And yet today I felt like tiny knives were being stuck into each joint... and that a much larger one was in my belly.  It scares me, like so much else going wrong lately.  But I don't know how to address this issue.  My options for which type of doctor we are at to suggest is the one type that I tend to run into the hills to avoid.  So... we stand at my pain, sickness abounding in the house, pain that drives you crazy.  And we wonder when I am going to fall apart.  And yet I haven't.  It is just like this dance that my mother and I go thru for her heath care needs.  And one that just might continue much longer than I can think about.

So what do I have to be thankful for as a blessing...   well you have the fact that I was asked a bunch of difficult questions today and still can talk about it.  And the fact that I had someone listen, and even felt safe.  And safe is not an easy feeling to create.  And while I have a lot to process about today.  I am thankful that I can talk and that some people still listen!


#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings 

Seeking Help... Here are a few places to reach out to...

International Organization Resources

American Domestic Violence Crisis Line (Americans living overseas)
3300 NW 185th #133, Portland, OR 97229
Phone 1-866-879-6636, Website  www.866uswomen.org

Domestic Violence & Incest Resource Centre (Australia)
Website  www.dvirc.org.au

Hot Peach Pages - Worldwide List of Agencies Against Domestic Violence
Website  www.hotpeachpages.net

UNIFEM, United Nations Development for Women
Website  www.unifem.org

Women's Aid (United Kingdom)
Website  www.womensaid.org.uk

Women's Link Worldwide (Western Europe and Latin America)
Website  www.womenslinkworldwide.org

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 8

I am still trying to figure out where the day disappeared to... Oh yes, I was stuck answering a whole pile of questions that I hate to have to answer and really are not anyone's business.  I love the fact that people who want to help you think they have a right to destroy the sense of privacy that you manage to create.  And yet, I know a part of it is required.  And I struggle with the boundaries.  But of course don't we all struggle with boundaries...  The line between what we share and what we just sweep under the carpet in the hope that the lump under the carpet isn't big enough to notice.  Well in my life the lump under the carpet has turned into the elephant in the room.  

You see all those years that I lived in our white picket fence house, I thought I was hiding the daily problems that I faced by sweeping them away.  Burying them and never speaking of the acts that I was preforming.  And yet each item had tried to make sure that the world never knew had happened... was becoming an image that was burned into my own mind.  And yet even now those images are hard to forget.  They seem to put a tint on my marriage that makes it hard to move forward...  and yet I must. 

And in this moving forward I am still working on focusing on a month of blessings.  And yet at day 8 I am starting to realize that this is going to be harder than I realized.  And yet today I am understanding that it is a blessing that I will be able to meet with my pastor tomorrow.  And that I have had a great deal of blessings from the pastors in my life these last few years.  And it is not a blessing in the way that you think, it is a blessing because it is the one place that I can talk and sort thru all that is wrong.  A safe place to question some of the things that I have learned growing up and other things that I am struggling with now because of the divorce.

You see... in many ways I am finding that my feelings are of being Hester Prynne in the Scarlet Letter.  That this divorce is leaving me wearing a red letter as a mark of what I have done wrong.  And in many ways it is a struggle to understand and realize that it was not all my fault.  And that I may not be bound in the way I believe to the marriage that will end in divorce.  But it is a struggle.  Change is not easy.  And single parenthood is even harder.  But as of late I am starting to see that it happened historically more than I think I ever wanted to see.  But for the moment I will take the fact that tomorrow I will be in a safe place to talk...  and that will help me more than a lot of other things can.


#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings 

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 7

I have been reading again to escape the days of cold and sadness.  It seems like of late that nothing is moving forward.  I feel that in many ways I have been sliding back down the hill.  And not the fun sliding of enjoying the snow.  It is much more like the trying to find the mountain top and reaching up and loosing my grip.  And yet for me the easiest way to deal is to read...

So I have been reading The Preacher's Bride by Jody Hedlund.  And while I am going to quote from her book, since I use an e reader I have not an idea of what page it is on...

"Hardships are the Lord's greatest blessing to the believer.  Without them we would love the Lord only for what He does for us.  Our troubles teach us to love Him for who He is."

And for the first time I found myself having to stop and look at the years of my life in a much different way.  I may never have had an easy path, but there have been points when I felt like I was in God's grace.  And yet most days I wonder if God even knows if I am alive.  And those days grew harder in the later years of my marriage, when I was living with my husband still.  And even the days since I walked out the door.  Because all these days are not full of the memories of wonderful times together in marriage. And they are not even full of the wonderful memories of being a mother.  Though there is much more of those memories.

Hardships have become a norm for my life.  And people will say ask and you shall receive.  Well I have reached a point that I don't even know what to ask.  I can't even tell you at this point what is desirable to God, because I feel like I have failed Him.  And it is so easy to fill my days with wonder of what I do need to sacrifice to change the status of the hardships.  Where did I fail in submission to my husband?  Where did I not honor my parents enough?  And what cross am I not carrying the right way?

I honestly have no answers for the questions that race thru my mind.  I have no idea of what is to become of us in the days that come.  What I can tell you is that it is a reality that I have been sued for divorce.  That I have to figure out what is going to happen to the house we bought together with white picket fence dreams of our future.  And that I am currently left as a single parent, who has had to sacrifice almost every physical thing that I own in order to support us.  And I can understand that God doesn't want us to worship the things of this world...  But what is the line between need and want.  And that is where I am left yet again to wonder...

So, the blessing that I can say that I have is currently having a place to lay my head down and sleep that is not outside in the cold.  The fact that at the moment I know we are afforded some measure of safety because my husband, for reasons unknown, is still living in jail.  And honestly I have nothing to do with it, I removed all my objections to his parole in September.  I am aware that his family is seeking to know exactly where we are.  And yes that has the increased risk that I will be hacked and that all the information they think they need will be revealed.  And yet, I know that each action that they all take is a blessing... not because of what it is currently doing.  But because of what it can mean to our future.  And while it makes my nerves rattle to get a notification that someone tried to get into my Facebook account in Salt Lake City on day, or that someone is checking out my profile on another site... At least I know that I have added all the extra security I can to these accounts.  And that lets me know this is happening.

I am at least thankful that despite all the horrible things that I have seen and put thru... I can still enjoy the simple moment of a child who is growing up and exploring her world.  And in many ways taking it by storm...  And that alone is a blessing that I can hold dear to my heart.  That God trusted me enough to loan me my baby to raise to love Him.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 6

These past few days have been a challenge.  And I am working hard to keep focusing on the future and what is yet to come.  But it is so easy to look and see the wounds that I have.  And how easy it is to see that I really am alone, and while I have my daughter... I don't tend to see many people over the course of a day.  And while I would love to drown my days in chocolate, peanut butter, and diet coke... all the while turning my brain to mush watching movies.  That can't be...  The world is so much more than sugar and instant entertainment.

So what am I thankful for... Today I am going to have to say positive friends, who just seem to listen to God and say the right things.  Who can text me or e-mail with something that stops me in my tracks and forces me to think about God and how far I have come.  So I am thankful for friends who kinda work like a measuring stick with reminding me of what use to be... and what is now.  And I pray that I am a blessing to them also.

#thankful #Jan2014 #NewYear #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 5

Honestly this was a hard one... but I am starting to think that I am thankful for the fact that I am able to have free speech ... and that it allows me to share what has happened and will continue to happen in the process of having walked out the door on an abusive marriage and how it can happen to people we least expect.

#thankful  #Jan2014  #NewYear  #Blessings

Slowly Fading Days

The days slowly fade away into the next while the world is still sleeping. And yet here I am not sleeping. All the little things that are needed to be done in helping another seem to have me jump out of bed, just as I am about to fall asleep. And then it takes me what seems like forever to get my mind and body back to a point where it wants to sleep. And yet each time I jump out of bed... it is not the what I have to do that upsets me, it is the pain that I am feeling.

You see... at this point my whole body feels like it is falling apart. I have pain in places that I don't think I knew could hurt. And while a part of it is the weather... a part of it also is the fact that I am trying to be helpful and in that process doing more than I should. And yet in order to hold onto a place to stay... this is what must currently be done. And the desires of my mind to say I quit are there, but will never be shared. You see it is not the problem of the person... I am starting to realize that the problem is me. And that alone for now is enough to hold my thoughts to myself. And to slowly move forward in a process that feels like it is grinding to a stop...

Divorce requires attorneys... and agreement... And soon the ability to have either will vanish again... And I will be waiting... Waiting for him to want this process to move forward again...

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 4

Day 4...

Now this might seem a bit odd, but I am thankful for my electronics that connect me to my friends and allow me to lose my problems in pages of books. Without these items I would feel extremely isolated.

#thankful  #Jan2014  #NewYear  #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 3

And now day 3...

Socks, underwear, and basic clothing that keeps me warm. It may sound silly but fuzzy socks make me smile and snuggle into the blankets on a frigid winter day.



#thankful  #Jan2014  #NewYear  #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 2

And now we come to the second day of being thankful...

And in this I am torn. I am very thankful that I can still hear, most days. But when I am awoken from a dead sleep by screams thinking someone is seriously hurt only to find out that it is a burnt out light-bulb, then I have to wonder if hearing is a blessing.


#thankful  #Jan2014  #NewYear  #Blessings

Blessings... 2014 ~ Day 1

A new year, and yet for me it feels like I am still caught in a bad story. While it is also the start of a month of resolutions and being thankful. And yet it is so easy to still take off the bandages and poke at the wounds in me that are starting to appear like they are healing. And yet I know that many of them are still very new and deep. And a part of me wants to sit inside these wounds and nurse them. To sit and sort thru all the memories that are impressed on my soul.

And yet things are not always as they seem. But people don't see that as a possibility. You see, two years later and I should be moving forward to what is yet to come. And yet I am still living in what was. It is the trap of domestic violence when you are married to the abuser and have children. Moving on isn't so easy. And yet maybe today is a good day to start to focus on what I am thankful for and continue looking for the whole month.

So... what am I thankful for on day 1?

I am thankful that I am alive and that the bullet he shot to end the argument never hit me.

#thankful  #Jan2014  #NewYear  #Blessings