Determination, A path away from distructive behaviors?

1. #Determination ~ How does this week’s word help you?

Merriam Webster definition of determination 

1 a :  a judicial decision settling and ending a controversy

  b :  the resolving of a question by argument or reasoning

2 archaic :  termination

3 a :  the act of deciding definitely and firmly; also :  the result of such an act of decision

b :  firm or fixed intention to achieve a desired end <a woman of great courage and determination>

4 :  a fixing or finding of the position, magnitude, value, or character of something: as

a :  the act, process, or result of an accurate measurement

b :  an identification of the taxonomic position of a plant or animal

5 a :  the definition of a concept in logic by its essential constituents

b :  the addition of a differentia to a concept to limit its denotation

6:  direction or tendency to a certain end :  impulsion

7:  the fixation of the destiny of undifferentiated embryonic tissue 

 

Kid Friendly definition of determination 

 

1 : the act of coming to a decision; also : the decision or conclusion reached
2 : a settling or making sure of the position, size, or nature of something <determination of the position of a ship>
3 : accurate measurement (as of length or volume)
4 : firm or fixed intention : FIRMNESS  

 

I find the definitions of determination to not be what I thought they were.  And to realize that one of the definitions of determination is coming to a decision/conclusion really seems to hit me.  I guess I am starting to realize that a lot of time in my life I take the road of no decision, which leads me to being forced into what someone else wants.  And I have rationalized this action so many times in my life as my understanding of submission.  And yet of late, I am starting to really wonder if submission was my determination, or something that was twisted in the understandings of others.  

 

And yet in this year. two years since I was sued for divorce, I want my determination to stand for something.  And in these past few days I have found a determination, to fight for what is best for my daughter.  Still I also must start to find the determination for my life.  To be willing to submit each and ever thing to God, but also to find the joy that He wants me to know.  I have found that I have spent so much time going thru one problem after another.  And yet my heart is being pulled in directions that I just don't understand right now.  It is like being called to homeschooling and yet being found in the place where I have had to enroll my child in public school.  And am jumping thru more hoops than I care to deal with, but must.  And also to be tugged into the fact that I have to write.  Where that time to write is... I am lost.  Things just seem to pile up on an ever growing list to do, and the exhaustion of doing what needs to be done with school and meals, laundry and any other silly task that repeats again and again.  

 

Still what surprised me the most is that determination not only describes our choices, but also our beliefs.  And still more is the fact that I could see it also playing a role in what we eat and the portion size that we eat.  And seeing this made me realize that I have to make a determination to change what is holding me back in the same rut that I have been in for so long.  And yet I know that getting out of the rut is going to be painful.  And yet in this process I can realize that having made the determination to be married and submit to my husband, was changed into many forms of abuse that ended with him trying to kill me, and then telling me six months later that he could.  And the determination to stay and help my mother has turned into living in a world where I just keep burying feelings and give up more and more.  

 

So today I am making the determination that things are going to change.  That I am going to allow my husband to have the divorce that he seems to need so much.  And I am going to let him buy the house that he seems to need more than us.  These two actions should give me the funds to make a determination on where we are going to live... and find a place that both of us can have the freedom and stability.  A place where I can set the rules and we can both move forward in my life and yet.... I want to in this process to also draw so close to God that I can stop questioning what He is asking of me in moving forward.  And I want God to give me a peace that I need with being able to look into a mirror and think that I look okay.  To be able to know that I am doing what God wants me to do.  A confidence that I am teaching my daughter that she can be healthy, happy, and love God more than anything, but also that she never has to allow food to become a controlling factor in her life.  It has taken a toll on mine since I grew out of a size 9 pants and then never seemed to stop growing around.  My weight has seen all time highs, and lately have found that when I am living with just my daughter... The weight drops away and I am not seeking it again.  And yet living in a situation with my mother brings back emotions... And then comes the stress.  And that stress grows.  And with it I have found it is all too easy to slip back into the habits that I found gripping my very soul in high school and college...  And I am determined that it is not a path that I want to walk down again...