It is so hard to believe that today marks the beginning of the end of my relationship. And that relationship was a marriage... one that we entered into in the sight of God. And I believed that the promises we had made to each other before God would be the the promises of a lifetime. And here I am knowing that a day that we try to set aside for those we love, was the day that he was planning the demise of our marriage.
Here I stood trying to figure out how to God was going to rebuild our marriage. How I was ever going to be able to trust my own husband ever again? And yet even two years later... I am still wondering how I would ever trust my husband again. But at times I find that things are so confused. It has not just been two years since he started the process to throw me out like a piece of trash, it also has been two years of silence. The good or bad of these past two years has been this wall of silence. He sits inside four walls of a maximum security prison for crimes against me. And there has been not a phone call or a letter between us in these two years. The only reasons that I know he is still in jail and alive are the facts that I am his victim and am entitled to know if he is still in jail. But also because I regularly receive mail from attorneys regarding the divorce.
When I walked down the aisle to marry him I felt like a precious gem... and I have struggled with the fact that I was not that precious gem to my husband, proved to me by the divorce papers, but that I was trash. And yet as of late I have begun to wonder if it is my husband who is unable to determine the true value of children of God. I also know that being a child of God has created a lot of questions in the events since the wedding thru currently dealing with the divorce. And I am finding that some of these questions will not have answers until I reach heaven.
So, where do two years of avoiding dealing with the impending loss of my dreams for a future growing old with my husband? Lately it has taken me down a road of investing in the one true blessing that I have left from the years we were together... my daughter. And each day I work to keep her safe and help her to deal with the fact that her father is in jail... add to that the fact that his family isn't really there for her. His family is out to show the world that she is a trophy, a badge that is worn to tell the world that she exists. I have learned to deal with the court system that likes to allow parents to be dragged into court by his family. And it might not be so bad, if I knew that his family really cared about her. But the feelings I get are much more along the lines that money and status are what they worship, instead of #CravingGod.
So... in addition that I have learned that home is not some physical place and that money is not something that we need in great quantity in order to survive. And that I need to learn to trust again... And I am starting to work on this, because I want to #CravingGod and be lead by Him.
While I pray that in time the awful memories of that Valentine's Day two years ago, might be changed or fade... because I desire to once again be a Valentine to someone. And at least for now I have my daughter... who I can give the same joyful feelings of the day like my own father did to me.
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