The start of a love affair...

Emotional Triggers ~ Our desire for unhealthy treats (and other things not beneficial to us) are often triggered by difficult emotions linked to past hurts. After reading Ch. 13 do you recognize any triggers in your struggles?

I was not even twelve yet.  And it started simply with a death in the family.  My father's father died.  And in the racing around I wound up spending time with my grandparents...  And while my grandfather was the most loving man around.  My grandmother was another story... It was in those days that the "diet" pressure started.  You need to watch what you put in your mouth.  That became my grandmother's mantra for all the hours I was there without my parents.  This alone might not have been enough.  There is another side to this story that in many ways was a defining moment in my life.  

My grandparents and I finally one day went over to the funeral home together.  My parents had spent days there, with my other grandmother.  And I felt like a fish out of water.  And while I was there... I wanted nothing to do with going into the room that my grandfather was laid out in.  And that is something that my mother was not going to allow to stand.  Between the viewings... my mother dragged me and forced me to kneel at the side of the coffin.  And then informed me that the behavior that I showed was unacceptable.  And that while I was there... death was not something to be sad about.  It was a reason to celebrate.  And my role was to not show my emotions, it was to be there to support those around me who needed.  

So in those days I found the comfort of something so simple.  Saltine crackers and peanut butter.  And those simple peanut butter crackers became the food that filled my heart when the tears threatened to come.  Feelings...  Emotions...  each time I found them starting to worm their way up... I ate!  And it didn't take long for that habit to become such a draw, that it seemed to take away a bad day.

In time with more deaths... and more emotions to control...  Food became the one thing that I could control and allowed me to control my emotions.  But the comments from my grandmother never left my mind, along with the words of my mother.  So in time the eating that I did became something that I did in secret.  And at that time I watched myself expand... from a size 9 to a size 12 in no time at all.  And from there I would watch myself keep expanding and shrinking for years.  

Which I think brings me to one of my biggest triggers in life for eating... 
The burying of emotions.  And yet I would have many other triggers that would develop over the years.  But the emotions seem to be the biggest one I have...  And to think this all started with a love of peanut butter crackers and a would turn into a love affair with them to this day.