Crazy Mode Be Gone

Crazy Mode Be Gone ~ In Chapter 7, Lysa talks about how her insecurities often pushed her into crazy modes. Can you relate?

Honestly, today has been one of these days when I really wish crazy mode didn't exist.  I even had the pleasure of getting a laugh out of the horoscope in the newspaper... Apparently for me today was a 4 star day.  And now you wonder why I laughed?

Let's see my morning started out at the insane hour of 6 AM.  That is when I have to wake up just to make sure my daughter makes the bus.  And as typical, when you wake up... you head to the bathroom.  So, here I am this morning walking down the stairs to find that in the next instance life has gone to slow motion.  And in that slow motion I am seeing the steps get closer and closer to my face.  And at that moment I realize that I am falling down the stairs.  And somehow managed to actually roll down the stairs in a forward roll to land in the hall.  And to most people this would just be something you got up and dusted yourself off... but for me I just laded there. Kinda in shock and at the same time worry.  You see I haven't fallen since I had my back surgery and this scared me because... the question that hit my head was will I be able to walk.  And then I realized that my face was wet... and when I looked at my hands I found them covered in blood.  

Well that was the start of my crazy day.  I haven't been able to sleep... I haven't been able to focus... And I haven't been able to get a thing done that needs to get done.  I am falling behind.  Okay, I haven't read Chapter 8 yet... but that to me is still behind.  And I am feeling the pressure from the fact that I have this list of things to do... can't manage to deal with one of them... and still have these random thoughts running thru my mind.  And of course I can't manage to make them into a thought out question.  And so my wonderful 4 star day has me trying to set up an appointment with my pastor, for the question that I can't find words for... and then can't pick a time or day.  He gave me three choices and I returned back two of them as okay...  Nothing like not being able to stick to a choice.

And speaking of sticking to a choice... the crazy mode that I have been in prior to this huge crazy day has seen me starving all the time and somehow over the course of 4 days eating the whole bag of Oreo cookies...  And I wonder why I am in crazy mode? 

I know why crazy mode tends to hit... I don't deal with the feelings and emotions that I have swirling around inside of me.  And as I stuff them inside of myself and attempt to work around them the stress starts.  The stress then builds to the point where I feel like I am going to explode.  I find that my emotions are so close to the surface that one wrong move will send them flying out of my control.  And they can't not be controlled.  You see, if I can't control my actions and be the obedient daughter that I am suppose to be... I feel that my mother won't love me.  And yet I haven't been the obedient wife that I should have been and am dealing with the fact that I have been sued for divorce.  Which I equate to being told that I am garbage.  And that feeling of worthlessness is something that drives crazy mode.  I find that I need to find perfection, and in order to do that I constantly live in a sort of crazy mode.  And yet I want to live in the world of Trust Me... 

So can I relate?  I think I can, but I honestly wish I couldn't relate.  I am so exhausted from crazy mode.  And honestly if this is a 4 star day... I would hate to see a day when they say I am having a 5 star day!  Maybe a 1 star day might be better in my book... Not that I hold any stock in the rating of my day.  It just helped today to add a little bit of humor to a lot of pain.