Safety for Words...

Share It ~ Do you have a story or testimony of going From Consumer to Contributor or From Purposeless to Purposeful?

 I am finding that I am in the process of this transition.  I have spent a great deal of time doing well at being able to listen to others.  To encourage them.  And see a need and help fill it.  And yet I have reached a point in my life where all of that seems to be falling apart.

You see... I was able to look at others, and yet in many ways I was avoiding what was going on in my own life.  I managed to put all feeling into little boxes.  And adding to it all the images, words, and memories.  Never wanting to look in the boxes and face the pain that was growing in my life.  It was like I could keep walking forward in faith... as long as I buried all those boxes deep down inside what to me seemed like a castle vault.  And my mind had the fact that all those boxes were being protected by God.  That it was okay, because my mind was always on others.  

And yet... as you stuff things away.  Even believing that it is okay with God.  Eventually God comes knocking at the door of that vault.  And says "Let me in there also".  And when that finally started happening to me... I was already facing a divorce.  And yet, in many ways my answer was that I would gladly go and pick out a box and bring it out and then we could discuss that little box.

And yet, in the process of starting that...  I learned that when you willingly open the door to the vault, you must be aware that the spirit of the Lord will sometimes enter when you open it.  And when that process started...  It felt like my whole world was falling apart.  And for the first time in my life... I started to feel so selfish.  I am still struggling with that feeling a lot lately.

And yet one of the issues with all those boxes...  was that they were not only painful, but they were secrets.  And some of them are still secrets.  And as these boxes are being opened... often times without me even realizing that the boxes are being played with.  Something changes in me...  I feel driven with a great need to talk.  A need to seems to block out all other things that are going on around me.  I feel like I am falling into the fact that I am consuming others time.  And not being able to see the needs around me and serve others.  And this need to talk... really becomes in many ways focused on one person.  And while that need is improving, this past week it has reached a greater level of need that I have ever faced before.  And yet, the words get caught inside of me when I try to type an email, or even talk to anyone else.  I live with the fear of judgement, punishment, and see clearly my lack of perfection.  I can not look away from each and every mistake that I made, or think I have made as a part of that secret.  And I struggle to see the grace and forgiveness that is a gift to me.  Yet... I can freely forgive others, with the fact that all the blame is my fault.

And so... while my heart wants to be a contributor... my mind struggles with my past and all the secrets I have buried that need to be faced.  And I feel like I am sinking... holding on for that one right moment when I can talk and the words will come.  And a need to have that happen in the one place I feel safe... The one place I have found no judgement... just grace.  And maybe as the vault is emptied... it will be easier to contribute to the kingdom, instead of feeling like I am consuming a part of the greater good.

* I acknowledge that this might not exactly fit the design of the question, but it is honestly where my heart has been in battle for this past week for any number of reasons.