Boxes to Trust

4. SHARE IT ~ Do you have a story or testimony of going From Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace or From Religious to Grace-Covered?

 I am starting to feel like I am currently in the on-going process of leaving behind me as "Damaged Goods", and yet a big part of this process is trying to see myself as a "Trophy of Grace". 

In my life that image of damaged started when I was small.  I felt like I ruined my mother's life just by being born.  And yet I also faced a great deal of drama from choices of others about my life.  I became aware of this at a point where I felt damaged enough and had my cousin inform my parents that I had been the first that her father had chosen to sleep with.  I struggled already with a feeling that I was a mistake and that my life didn't matter.  I found that I couldn't sleep and was living almost two lives.  During my time at home I was bubbly and cheery, yet at school the reality of my feelings were hard to contain.  And I learned to live in a world of my own design. 

That world was full of rules... If I had an expectation of what needed to happen, I made it happen.  It was an attempt to bury the pain I was feeling, and striving to be perfect for my mother and family.  But the perfection was not just that... It was also for God.  Somewhere I had learned that enough sacrifice and adjustment would be enough to make up for all the mistakes.  And the mistakes were all inside me.  Locked away in boxes along with all the details, and the emotions that were being buried.  I knew I had to grow up, and I thought that growing up was showing an ability to not have things phase me.

Honestly this roller coaster is one that I still struggle with.  It took walking out the door on my husband to save our baby...  for me to start down the path to learn how God sees me.  And even at that... It was two years after he tried to kill me that God put me on the path that I could start to see change.

You see, in my world I strove to perfection even with my marriage in a mess.  Being sued for divorce was not something that I had to face, because I was still married to him regardless of paperwork in a court system.  And that perfection also was such a part of my life that even how I was raising my daughter, her behavior or lack of mattered.  And my need to control everything was growing.  And yet in many ways that need to control also is what drew me to the person whom I found trust.

That trust is something that in my damaged life is rare.  And in my mind I still wonder why with all the pain as a child, and then as an adult in domestic violence... Why I in the end was lead to trust my pastor, who is a man.  And yet I have been shown that I have value by him.  And sometimes in simple actions, like stopping to listen to me...  and listening without judgement and interruption.  In this process thru his actions, I am starting to understand much better how God sees me.  And while I would love to say that this past year has brought me thru all of my past...  I am still a work in progress.  Each layer of damage that we deal with in talking and scripture, brings me to another level of pain that I have buried.  And yet in this process... I now have feelings instead of boxes...  I feel safe to share things that at times I don't have words for, and find understanding.  And a feeling of safety and encouragement to walk thru the damage to find and understand what being a "Trophy of Grace".  

One part of this whole process that surprises me is a willingness to just listen on his part.  And to allow me to talk to work thru each step... which sometimes leads to many e-mails and at other times, it has lead to him putting his schedule on hold.  And his words are this is where I need to be right now.  And without that ability to shower me with an unconditional love and understanding... I fear that I would still be focused on my lacks to the point of stress.  And now when those feelings and fears come up, I have a place where I can talk about them and remain safe... and learn how God sees me instead of the world.