Do You Love Me?

Love and trust seem to be the current trend on what is going on in my life.  And in ways that I am still shocked about. 

I went to talk to my pastor this week.  Honestly thankful that he is back from vacation.  And yet being able to tell him that currently the one way I can cope is to write.  Yet, writing e-mails works the best...  so, yet again I am encouraged to keep sending him e-mails instead of sliding further down the path of cutting.
It has been two and a half years since I last cut, but getting rid of the thoughts and pull...  That takes more time.  Time that seems to require the emptying of all the secrets I had buried inside, even those long forgotten. 

Well in the course of playing catch up with my pastor...  he got back somehow to the greatest commandments.  And from somewhere inside me... I spoke the words... I can't love my neighbors like myself.  They would be treated like crap.  I treat them better than that.

And it brought questions...  and a realization that I do not understand love.

I thought I did, and yet I am willing to walk away from owning anything and live in a tent...  just so that my brother can get the funds he seems to think he needs.  Which would also mean walking away from what I actually own.  And moving into a place where I don't even have a bed to sleep in.  He wants me to be gone... and of course he makes it sound like I am going to be putting him out on the street.  

At the same time I have already walked away from the house that my husband and I owned together.  I am told that at some point I will see funds from it, but like everything else in this life...  I am not holding my breath.  You see I know my to be ex-husband all too well to know that money is what drives him. 

So the two closest men in my world view love as giving them what they want.  And it makes me wonder why they even deal with me, because I believe in fairy tales according to them both.  The funniest part is each of them hates the other.  And it seems that now they both hate me.  

So... in my world... 

Love has conditions... Love is proving that you are worthy of it... Love always gives in to the others wants... and of course...  Love forgets you own wants and needs...  all of the greater good.  And maybe I have something to learn...  and I might be starting to understand just a little.

But it scares me to have heard that God says we should love ourselves.  All I can see is vanity smurf... walking around with his mirror.  And it is something that I fear...