A journey to Grace

3. WRITE IT ~ Choose one of the following writing prompts from Chapters 3 & 4 and share something from your heart relating to our study: Spiritual GPS, Deceived Into Doubting, Image Bearer, Humility, The God Without Limits, Marinate on That!

Honestly, the one thing that stands out to me this week has been the fact that I have been taken in to my church.  And it wasn't a church that I sought out.  You see, I had moved in with my mother... and went to the church in town of the denomination.  And in many ways over the course of that first 6 months I felt that I didn't belong.  But then at the same time I felt that I didn't belong at home with my mother.  In many ways, I felt like a failure that myself and my child had been forced to move in with my mother, but she swore she needed us.

And in the course of a week during that summer, things started to change.  Granted they were starting to change in small ways before that week...  But that week was just different.  My mother in her normal change her mood and desires on a whim, made the choice that we needed to move out of the house.  She couldn't be bothered with me at all.  I was running around apparently like a teenager and ignoring my daughter.  The funny of it was, the first issue was the days we spent at church camp together.  And then the days that we spent at a Christian Music Festival.  You see my mother thought I was volunteering to work at these events and ignoring my daughter.  And yet the whole focus of these times was to focus on my daughter...  just the thing I was told I wasn't doing.

And then in normal form for the number of times in my life my mother had thrown me out, disowned me, and whatever else she could think of doing...  I packed up what little we needed and drove away.  I honestly didn't know where we were going to go, but I was bound and determined that we were not going to move in with my friends who were renting my house to keep it afloat.  That is what my mother wanted from me... to show that I loved my friends more than her.  And in order to prove my mother wrong... I wound up back in shelter with my daughter a short drive from where my mother was.

In the end, I came back to my mother.  It just felt what God was asking of me.  And yet in those days away...  I found something I had only dreamed about finding.  A church.  

The search for the new church, started with a lack of gas to make it back to the one we were attending.  And then I did a search on the church's website to find out there were four of our denomination in town.  That is not uncommon in the state, it was dependent on population, and currently the ability to maintain the churches.  And I couldn't begin to figure out which one to attend on Sunday.  So, I asked my current pastor, where he would suggest that I go.  

In a lack of knowing the pastors where I was living.  He  sought out information from other pastors he knew.  And then for some reason sent me to Grace.  And honestly I would not have known what a longer term change that was to start in me. 

I had started talking to my pastor and that was the one thing that seemed odd, because I don't tend to trust anyone.  And yet, I took a step to trust my pastor, and we got up that Sunday morning and got ready to go to church at Grace.  And with my nervousness in life, we left early.  Actually very early.  I wanted to make sure that we found a corner to sit in.  And that I was able to find the church.  I was so sure that I was going to spend hours going in circles seeking the church.  And the funny part was the church was so easy to find. 

We found our way inside Grace and then found a place to sit.  We were just reaching a point where we were going to start to eat our breakfast.  And then we were found.  Someone approached us to say hello.  And to let me know just how early we were.  I was aware of that and was just matter of fact that we were planning on eating breakfast.  And pulled out peanut butter crackers. 

And then something happened that I still am in shock over.  My daughter and I were taken out to breakfast.  I can still remember the feeling of shock & yet the feeling of being accepted.  That morning chocolate chip pancakes and bacon was the best food I think I had.  And I am still trying to figure out almost a year later how to return the kindness.

That started a feeling of belonging, not just that thought.  When we got back to church after breakfast...  I ran into one of the people we had meet at church camp.   And she was just the right person to take me along to find a different set of seats and to start to introduce us to some people.  And our day was completed by being taken out to  lunch.  And finding a friend... and so much more.

Come the fall, I took the steps to transfer my membership to Grace.  And part of that process is standing up in front of the church.   And that there I had to make a profession of faith and express my desire to join Grace.  And standing up there, alone... I took the steps and then was enveloped by arms.  And told that I was home.  Home... that was something I had been seeking for so long. 

That step... changed me.  And over time I started to trust my pastor.  Something I am not sure I can explain.  He has listened and listened.  He at times is just willing to listen as I talk.  And has patiently read probably 100's of e-mails that have been written when I have felt like the world was falling apart around me.  This ability to listen and yet to make me rethink has helped so much.

This belonging to Grace has seen me thru my daughter in the hospital, followed by my mother in the hospital.  To then see my mother back in the hospital... then to a home.  And now thru her death.  And yet still exists to see us as we start to move forward in life... to find what is beyond my past.  And yet there is a person who will listen to me...  Someone who I feel honestly cares.  And the knowing that chances are they will always care.  And not just because it is his job...  because he is called to it from inside.  And that calling has changed me. 

It has given me a place to sort thru all that I have held onto.  It has given me a safe place to share all the things that I have hidden in my heart.  And the more I have talked and shared with my pastor... the better I have slept.  And my mind has started to slow down so that I can feel like I can breathe.  And maybe I have found a home...  because currently despite the realization that we have to move out of my mother's house...  I don't feel drawn away from Grace, but towards it.  Like there is still a purpose for my being there.  And all I can say is that I look forward to the discovery of what it to come.