Can storms make us courageous?

#Courageous -

What does that word even mean?  Well I looked it up... meaning of courageous... and I am still no better off on what the word means... So I scrolled down the the synonyms...

bold, brave, dauntless, doughty, fearless, gallant, greathearted, gutsy, gutty, heroic (also heroical), intrepid, lionhearted, manful, stalwart, stout, stouthearted, undauntable, undaunted, valiant, valorous

Well... That helped a lot more.  And yet the one word in this that caught in my throat was fearless.  And lately I have been anything but fearless.  So how can I be courageous?  How can I be undaunted?  Let alone any of these other words...

Currently I honestly wish I could run into my father's arms and beg him to fix all that is falling apart around me.  And yet I understand that it is a dream, but never again will be a possibility with my earthly father.  He is in heaven.  And yet when he died, he left me with a task.  One that I took to heart.  And sadly it is one that I am now facing.  It is amazing how when you promise something at 18, and at 31 again say of course I will do this...  And yet when the time comes to fulfill the promise you are anything but happy about doing this task.

You see many years ago I promised my mother that I would face her death without fear.  And yet facing the possibility of it is creating a great deal of fear.  Because she never wanted to have huge medical interventions to keep her alive.  Her wish was to be at home surrounded by her family.  And as of late, that family is just me and my daughter here.  Thousands of miles separate her from the rest of us.  And others are within a hundred miles, but might as well be millions of miles away.  And yet it is this promise. made as a young lady out of love to her parents, that I am now facing.  Do I regret this promise?  Not really, and yet I can wish it isn't this year... please let it be next year...  And yet that is not relying on God.

And yet in the midst of this turmoil upon the already raging storms in my life... I am finding that I am being stalwart.  Let me tell you that it is the last thing I thought I could do in the face of the reality of death.  I am stalwartly seeking God, instead of food.  And while days like today I don't do as well as I know I can for God.  I am picking up the pieces and starting again the next morning.  And I am doing this because I know in this journey I am seeking God, because I will be honoring to the best of my ability my own mother's desires to die at God's time and not when modern medicine says it is her time.  And while I am fearful of what I know is coming... I also know that each day is a new chance to seek God and honor my mother by seeking God's path thru this storm.

And yes my mind is screaming at me to see if I can change what might come.  But I also acknowledge that we are all going to die at some point according to the will of God.  So who am I to take or postpone that time for my mother.  And if I am going to submit to God's will for my own life, I must also be willing to submit to it for my mother.  And while I may struggle with the days and weeks ahead of me.  I must be courageous in helping my mother, even when the words out of her mouth are reminders of the abuse of the past.  And while I am still fearful... I must learn to trust in God's will so that He can heal each and every wound between us.  So that together we might face her time when it comes as courageous women for God.