Who am I?

It is a question I get asked so many times, and yet still really do not have an answer.  You see I have let labels define who I am for so long, even I wonder who I am under all the labels.

I am a:

daughter  mother  sister  cousin  aunt friend  survivor  victim  

And yet these words really do not define who I am.  I could start off by saying that I am a survivor/and was a victim of sexual abuse as a child.  I could continue to tell you that while the person in the legal world would be related to me at the time, they were never really a part of my family.  But do these words tell you who I am, or do they just inform you that as a child I faced a great challenge.

I could continue on this path and tell you that I have spent my whole life feeling like my mother never wanted me.  That I am a mistake.  And yet I know you will respond with God doesn't make mistakes and I am here for a reason.  But I still don't know that reason, and the feelings of not being wanted have never changed.

We would then come to the fact that I was a victim of rape.  And that the rape resulted in a pregnancy that in many ways I wish hadn't ended in miscarriage.  But how do you explain to your parents that you were forced to be a part of an act that you did not desire or even understand.  And yet know that deep down they really know something happened and still the murmurs are of your being cheap and allowing someone to have something that you were not allowed to give.

Then this path could continue in the fact that I have not really ever had a stable home or community.  I am a product of my age in this regards.  And with a father who was desired by the company that had the bid, we moved around a lot.  And in the course of these moves...  I was exposed to many different kinds of people and also had the chance to experience the inside workings of many different church choices, always with being Roman Catholic as the underlying melody that was played with the church of the move.  As I like to think about it.  So along with this, I learned that friends come and go.  And that sometimes even if you want to remain in contact with a friend... your parents can veto the idea.

Or you could even identify me by the title, Victim of Domestic Violence.  Or as of late, A Survivor of Domestic Violence.  And yet even these titles do not give a complete picture of who I am.  You see while I have spent the last almost 11 years defined by domestic violence, it still doesn't show who I am under the shell that I wear for the world to see.  And that is where the difference of the shell and the heart and soul that are inside are in conflict.

You see, I am all those titles.  And yet there is one title that identifies who I am better than any of these.  And that is when I identify myself with God and say/admit that I am a Child of God, The One True King.  That path alone gives me purpose and direction.  It gives me an ability to have a heavenly father who will help me and guide me towards his perfect will.  And while I am still all of the above, I also know that all the bumps in my journey will be smoothed out by God and one day reveal a purpose that is greater than I am...  One that will lead me to finally starting to understand who I am...