Silence

Years of noise have been replaced.  And yet I was not ready for how the noise came to be replaced.  I have been on a journey between abusers... and now those abusers are silenced.  And it was not a direct act of mine that took away the voices.  And yet in some ways there were some actions that started this chain of events.

I am seeing that in many ways my actions on the night my husband tried to kill me.  And in one phone call I started a chain of events in our marriage that would forever change not just my life, but also the lives of many people around me. And this chain reaction would not stop there... it is still moving ahead.

That night, I found that I could change the way things were happening in my marriage.  The small act of calling the police started this change.  And while I thought it was a change towards saving my marriage.  Now I am not so sure.  Death really doesn't scare me, and yet it is not something I am rushing towards.  But in a brief moment that night I found a level of fear that I still can't manage to explain.  But the process of staring down a barrel of a gun is to this day something I wish I could forget.  And yet I had to relive that night over and over in the course of the next year, and still even today.  

Yes the police came and took him away... and yet my desire to be the wife he wanted, no, needed...  I started the process of helping him to face the fact that he was arrested.  And yet in my desire to save my marriage, I took some steps away from him, and yet in the end came back to him.  I thought he was better.  And the months of reduced noise made me think that things were changing for the better.  In the weeks that we were back together, the voices returned in a much louder volume.  And in the end, I did make one choice that added to this chain of events.  And that one choice was to walk out and eventually put a greater distance between us in the hopes to save my marriage.

Yet he went to jail... something that I tried to prevent, but in the end could not.  And then I entered a period of quiet searching.  A time when I was in a safe place, or rattling around the house we owned together.  And yet I was only a phone call from a different type of abuse.  One that I also willingly submitted to.  One that in the silence of the days that I had lived, would draw me back and willingly give me a place to live.  A place with noise.

And yet now, that voice is not here.  I am again left with the silence that threatens to consume me.  The mother who gave me life is dying.  And while she also was a voice of abuse, I am not sure what is going to happen in the next months.  You see I am the one who has the power over her, and yet it is a power that I would never seek.  And at the same time I have to change my view point on where I am and what is coming.  Because after years and years... my journey between abusers is coming to a point of pause.  My husband is still in jail, my mother is dying, and for the first time in my life... I have to think about what is best not just for my daughter and her safety, but also about what might be best for me.  And that is a journey that I have never seen before.  And currently I am full of confusion and sadly emotions.  And the emotions are not just from what I am currently facing...  they seem to be a tidal wave of each and every event that I went thru in the past.  One that threatens to overwhelm me, and yet one I must face and move beyond.

And yet in this latest storm of life...  I have found a voice of reason.  One who has traveled along a great deal of the path that I have.  And one who from experience is able to listen, show me calm, and help me to start to see the path that the journey has for me right now.  And without this outside voice of reason and support... I feel I would be losing my mind.  And yet I know God has more in store for me.  I just do not know exactly what right now...  but time will tell.