Are baby steps beneficial?

1.  #Beneficial

In this journey in the past five weeks, which in one week will be over in reading Made to Crave is changing me.  It isn't like one thing has been said that just made me stand up and say I want to change my life.  It has been much more a process of small pieces of information fitting into some of the different puzzles that I have been trying to put together in my mind.  

I wish that I could really explain it.  And this process is not going to be easy.  I am guessing that it could be an extremely pain process that I am heading towards.  And yet each day I have felt tugs on my heart telling me to accept the change.  And in this process that I will have to learn to deal with my past and also learn to express emotions in a new way that is a constructive manner.  

Now I am going to have to keep moving forward...  Taking the time to open each box that has fallen apart and then been taped back together just so that I did not have to deal with what the box represents.  And now... at times I worry about the the swell of emotions inside of me.  And while I am walking forward in faith.  The emotions still trigger the desire to eat peanut butter cups by the ton.  And facing these emotions year after the events happened... is a painful process.  One that means that I have to learn to trust.  And I have been told that these baby steps forward are beneficial to me and to my relationship with God.

The start of a love affair...

Emotional Triggers ~ Our desire for unhealthy treats (and other things not beneficial to us) are often triggered by difficult emotions linked to past hurts. After reading Ch. 13 do you recognize any triggers in your struggles?

I was not even twelve yet.  And it started simply with a death in the family.  My father's father died.  And in the racing around I wound up spending time with my grandparents...  And while my grandfather was the most loving man around.  My grandmother was another story... It was in those days that the "diet" pressure started.  You need to watch what you put in your mouth.  That became my grandmother's mantra for all the hours I was there without my parents.  This alone might not have been enough.  There is another side to this story that in many ways was a defining moment in my life.  

My grandparents and I finally one day went over to the funeral home together.  My parents had spent days there, with my other grandmother.  And I felt like a fish out of water.  And while I was there... I wanted nothing to do with going into the room that my grandfather was laid out in.  And that is something that my mother was not going to allow to stand.  Between the viewings... my mother dragged me and forced me to kneel at the side of the coffin.  And then informed me that the behavior that I showed was unacceptable.  And that while I was there... death was not something to be sad about.  It was a reason to celebrate.  And my role was to not show my emotions, it was to be there to support those around me who needed.  

So in those days I found the comfort of something so simple.  Saltine crackers and peanut butter.  And those simple peanut butter crackers became the food that filled my heart when the tears threatened to come.  Feelings...  Emotions...  each time I found them starting to worm their way up... I ate!  And it didn't take long for that habit to become such a draw, that it seemed to take away a bad day.

In time with more deaths... and more emotions to control...  Food became the one thing that I could control and allowed me to control my emotions.  But the comments from my grandmother never left my mind, along with the words of my mother.  So in time the eating that I did became something that I did in secret.  And at that time I watched myself expand... from a size 9 to a size 12 in no time at all.  And from there I would watch myself keep expanding and shrinking for years.  

Which I think brings me to one of my biggest triggers in life for eating... 
The burying of emotions.  And yet I would have many other triggers that would develop over the years.  But the emotions seem to be the biggest one I have...  And to think this all started with a love of peanut butter crackers and a would turn into a love affair with them to this day.

A comedy of errors... in an emergency!

Today was a strange day... and while the emergency has been known that it was arriving, it had been a challenge to be patient and allow things to happen in God's time.  You see for a while my mother has been under the weather.  And while I have heard the whispers in my heart that she needed to be in the hospital... I had to wait.  Because as much as I love my mother... her wish was to never go back to the hospital.

And so, each day I prayed until today when she finally couldn't stand.  At this point we had to face the choice that she was resistant to and I knew was coming.  And deal with an overwhelming list of excuses... my hair isn't dyed, I haven't had a chance to shower, and that list could have gone on.  And yet I had to tell her that while I had a solution to her needing a bath... this awesome no water wipe on and then dry off.  So she gave in and complied and changed her nightgown.  And finally allowed me to call.

So, one would think that calling would mean a smooth transition from call to hospital.  Well... that was not the night we had.  When the first two EMT's finally arrived... they had hiked up the street.  You see the ambulance was stuck.  As in not going anywhere.  And they needed to call a tow truck to come to pull out their rig.  So while they waited for the tow truck... they called another ambulance.  And eventually that ambulance arrived to find the other rig stuck.  So in hiked another EMT, while the other one drove the rig in another way. 

While this was going on... information was collected... stats were determined... And then came the question that sort of shocked me.  You see when I called 911 I informed them that she was stuck... but they wanted to have her walk outside in the snow.  I just about was ready to fall over.  And yet my mother's comment really cut thru the room... of Thank you for coming, but that isn't going to happen so you might as well leave.

Thankfully the one EMT stood strong and said that leaving her was not an option.  And that they would figure out how to accomplish the task.  Well... carefully pulling up the rig, plus taking the snow shovel and digging out her ramp and the driveway all the way to the rig was the accomplishment.  And while that was not something that they had to do, I am so thankful that they were willing to.  I couldn't really see them leaving my mother, but I also couldn't figure out a way to get what they needed done.  And them answering the small quiet prayer of my heart has been a big blessing.  One that I am not sure my mother will ever understand.  

So in the end they managed to get her on the stretcher.  And had her all wrapped up to stay warm.  And dragged her down the ramp and managed to get her into the ambulance.  And finally she was able to be on her way to the hospital.  Where I am sure she will get the attention that she needs, so that she is feeling like herself again.  Because when she is sick... it takes a toll not just on her, but also on me.

#Blessings

Two years and counting...

It is so hard to believe that today marks the beginning of the end of my relationship.  And that relationship was a marriage... one that we entered into in the sight of God.  And I believed that the promises we had made to each other before God would be the the promises of a lifetime.  And here I am knowing that a day that we try to set aside for those we love, was the day that he was planning the demise of our marriage.

Here I stood trying to figure out how to God was going to rebuild our marriage.  How I was ever going to be able to trust my own husband ever again?  And yet even two years later... I am still wondering how I would ever trust my husband again.  But at times I find that things are so confused.  It has not just been two years since he started the process to throw me out like a piece of trash, it also has been two years of silence.  The good or bad of these past two years has been this wall of silence.  He sits inside four walls of a maximum security prison for crimes against me.  And there has been not a phone call or a letter between us in these two years.  The only reasons that I know he is still in jail and alive are the facts that I am his victim and am entitled to know if he is still in jail.  But also because I regularly receive mail from attorneys regarding the divorce.

When I walked down the aisle to marry him I felt like a precious gem... and I have struggled with the fact that I was not that precious gem to my husband, proved to me by the divorce papers, but that I was trash.  And yet as of late I have begun to wonder if it is my husband who is unable to determine the true value of children of God.  I also know that being a child of God has created a lot of questions in the events since the wedding thru currently dealing with the divorce.  And I am finding that some of these questions will not have answers until I reach heaven.

So, where do two years of avoiding dealing with the impending loss of my dreams for a future growing old with my husband?  Lately it has taken me down a road of investing in the one true blessing that I have left from the years we were together... my daughter.  And each day I work to keep her safe and help her to deal with the fact that her father is in jail... add to that the fact that his family isn't really there for her.  His family is out to show the world that she is a trophy, a badge that is worn to tell the world that she exists.  I have learned to deal with the court system that likes to allow parents to be dragged into court by his family.  And it might not be so bad, if I knew that his family really cared about her.  But the feelings I get are much more along the lines that money and status are what they worship, instead of #CravingGod.

So... in addition that I have learned that home is not some physical place and that money is not something that we need in great quantity in order to survive.  And that I need to learn to trust again... And I am starting to work on this, because I want to #CravingGod and be lead by Him.  

While I pray that in time the awful memories of that Valentine's Day two years ago, might be changed or fade... because I desire to once again be a Valentine to someone.  And at least for now I have my daughter... who I can give the same joyful feelings of the day like my own father did to me.

Truth, How it is changing and yet isn't!

1. #Truth ~ What truth are living by? Whose truth are you believing?

Truth is a hard word to understand in my world.  Because many things are taught to be truth, and yet when I can finally sit down and examine them against PURE TRUTH, I find that I am lost.  

You see years of changing churches has seemed to bring inside of me a level of what I believed to be truth.  A mountain of ideas which are based in PURE TRUTH.  And the process of sorting and sifting thru each idea in the jumble of ideas is not an easy task.  It is a painful task that requires my submission, not to my parents or my husband, but to a God who desires me to Crave Him more than anything else.  And yet in order to be able to Crave God with a heart undivided... I must face the process of examining each and every idea that I have been taught. And I am coming to realize that until I can make peace of my mind with what is really Truth... The few things I desire are being kept just out of my reach.  

And I am finding that currently is my truth with eating.  In trying to find a path that is listening to God, I am finding that ideas from my childhood are tainted with things that are not true.   Things that might have been a good idea when I was a child.  But as an adult... submission for a child might be always doing what your parents ask of you... but is it what as an adult with my own child that I should do for my parent?  These are the questions that I am search with God to find the TRUTH in all the teachings and memories... Memories that have to be tested against what God desires.  And in that... the Truth is still being revealed each and everyday to me as I learn.  And the hardest part of this learning is opening my heart and sharing the stories that are buried so deep, and seem to be held together with the pain and emotions that I am currently struggling with in this world of Truth Seeking... but I will keep seeking...  So that I can Crave God and have the full TRUTH inside of me for all to see...

You are More...

I have spent a great deal of time being defined by circumstances.  What you might refer to as labels.  But then you also have to understand that this is my perception of the circumstances...  Not necessarily what is the truth that God would state.

So... 
unwanted by my mother
father dead
sexually abused as child by non-family relative
raped
no stable home from moving
friendless
victim of domestic violence
survivor of domestic violence
unwanted by my husband
single mother
missing two children
homeless

broken due to infection...

And I am sure that there is a whole lot more that could be added to that list.  And yet I am currently taking a huge step of faith and working thru the on-line bible study Made to Crave, by Lysa TerKeurst.  And while the book is focused on dealing with food.  The book could be used to deal with anything we tend to value over God.  Because I have known for a long time that anything that takes God out of the center of our lives... creates a broken stool that we are trying to climb on to reach God. 

And so being the forgiven child of God (Romans 3:24), means that I am being seen as not guilty and not having to be punished for what has happened.  That alone is hard to wrap my head around... and yet it never gives me a free pass to sin.

Add to that being the set-free child of God (Romans 8:1-2), which is a concept that I struggle to have my mind understand.  Maybe I could begin to be set-free from the memories that seem to hold on in my mind.  The fact that I remember things in a great level of detail and yet at times it is like looking at a picture in a fog.  Or I could be free from the level of fear that paralyzes me.  And yet at times I wish being set-free took away all my feelings.

Then we come to the idea of being the accepted child of God (1 Corinthians 1:2), which is an idea that I dream for and pray for.  I want to belong and fit in.  I have moved so much that the last time I remember really belonging was years ago as a child in a small town with a very close knit church.  And yet I need this idea to sink in so that I stop running.  Because running is exhausting.  And I need God to show me the steps clearly so that I can feel like I belong to the church I have finally become a member of... stating that I would like to belong.

And this stretches even more with being the holy child of God (1 Corinthians 1:30).  This one is so hard because I feel all of the scars and see all that has made me unclean.  And to be able to know and feel clean again would be a blessing.  And isn't being clean what we all dream of when we talk about being holy?

Feeling unclean, and then knowing that I am the made-new child of God (2 Corinthians 5:17).  If I am made new then maybe I am wanted by God and others.  Maybe I am not my mistakes and not a failure.  Maybe I have not ruined anyone's life - - maybe there's hope!

Continuing on I am the loved child of God (Ephesians 1:4).  Which makes it possible to be loved just because I am me.  Not because of what I have or have not done.  That maybe I am worthy of love.  And that love might not include abuse.  At times just thinking about this makes me question... What was in that Kool-aid I drank?

In all seriousness it goes on to say I am the close child of God (Ephesians 2:13).  To be close to God like my daughter is close to me would be wonderful.  To be able to feel safe and secure in God's arms would be amazing.  And it is something I need.  It is something I crave!

But it doesn't stop there, I am also the confident child of God (Ephesians 3:12),  To be confident and know that the choices that I make align with what God wants.  To have the peace of heart which comes from this would be a dream.  Currently, I question every thing and feel many times bullied into the choices I do make.  Like fire fighting.

To finish this off today... I am the victorious child of God (Romans 8:37).  I never feel like I am victorious... I feel like I fail at everything.  And to believe this would be amazing.  Yet I think it would help to know for what is planned by God for the future.  And what is true victory... a victory that calms my heart and mind.

So I take the time each day to sink myself into God in the attempt to make the promises He has for me become a reality to my mind and heart.  To have my place as God's child absorbed to the very core of my soul.  Because I am more... and YOU ARE MORE!  We just need to reach out to God and Crave Him, instead of all the other things that we can place in our lives as more important for our comfort!

Crazy Mode Be Gone

Crazy Mode Be Gone ~ In Chapter 7, Lysa talks about how her insecurities often pushed her into crazy modes. Can you relate?

Honestly, today has been one of these days when I really wish crazy mode didn't exist.  I even had the pleasure of getting a laugh out of the horoscope in the newspaper... Apparently for me today was a 4 star day.  And now you wonder why I laughed?

Let's see my morning started out at the insane hour of 6 AM.  That is when I have to wake up just to make sure my daughter makes the bus.  And as typical, when you wake up... you head to the bathroom.  So, here I am this morning walking down the stairs to find that in the next instance life has gone to slow motion.  And in that slow motion I am seeing the steps get closer and closer to my face.  And at that moment I realize that I am falling down the stairs.  And somehow managed to actually roll down the stairs in a forward roll to land in the hall.  And to most people this would just be something you got up and dusted yourself off... but for me I just laded there. Kinda in shock and at the same time worry.  You see I haven't fallen since I had my back surgery and this scared me because... the question that hit my head was will I be able to walk.  And then I realized that my face was wet... and when I looked at my hands I found them covered in blood.  

Well that was the start of my crazy day.  I haven't been able to sleep... I haven't been able to focus... And I haven't been able to get a thing done that needs to get done.  I am falling behind.  Okay, I haven't read Chapter 8 yet... but that to me is still behind.  And I am feeling the pressure from the fact that I have this list of things to do... can't manage to deal with one of them... and still have these random thoughts running thru my mind.  And of course I can't manage to make them into a thought out question.  And so my wonderful 4 star day has me trying to set up an appointment with my pastor, for the question that I can't find words for... and then can't pick a time or day.  He gave me three choices and I returned back two of them as okay...  Nothing like not being able to stick to a choice.

And speaking of sticking to a choice... the crazy mode that I have been in prior to this huge crazy day has seen me starving all the time and somehow over the course of 4 days eating the whole bag of Oreo cookies...  And I wonder why I am in crazy mode? 

I know why crazy mode tends to hit... I don't deal with the feelings and emotions that I have swirling around inside of me.  And as I stuff them inside of myself and attempt to work around them the stress starts.  The stress then builds to the point where I feel like I am going to explode.  I find that my emotions are so close to the surface that one wrong move will send them flying out of my control.  And they can't not be controlled.  You see, if I can't control my actions and be the obedient daughter that I am suppose to be... I feel that my mother won't love me.  And yet I haven't been the obedient wife that I should have been and am dealing with the fact that I have been sued for divorce.  Which I equate to being told that I am garbage.  And that feeling of worthlessness is something that drives crazy mode.  I find that I need to find perfection, and in order to do that I constantly live in a sort of crazy mode.  And yet I want to live in the world of Trust Me... 

So can I relate?  I think I can, but I honestly wish I couldn't relate.  I am so exhausted from crazy mode.  And honestly if this is a 4 star day... I would hate to see a day when they say I am having a 5 star day!  Maybe a 1 star day might be better in my book... Not that I hold any stock in the rating of my day.  It just helped today to add a little bit of humor to a lot of pain.

Determination, A path away from distructive behaviors?

1. #Determination ~ How does this week’s word help you?

Merriam Webster definition of determination 

1 a :  a judicial decision settling and ending a controversy

  b :  the resolving of a question by argument or reasoning

2 archaic :  termination

3 a :  the act of deciding definitely and firmly; also :  the result of such an act of decision

b :  firm or fixed intention to achieve a desired end <a woman of great courage and determination>

4 :  a fixing or finding of the position, magnitude, value, or character of something: as

a :  the act, process, or result of an accurate measurement

b :  an identification of the taxonomic position of a plant or animal

5 a :  the definition of a concept in logic by its essential constituents

b :  the addition of a differentia to a concept to limit its denotation

6:  direction or tendency to a certain end :  impulsion

7:  the fixation of the destiny of undifferentiated embryonic tissue 

 

Kid Friendly definition of determination 

 

1 : the act of coming to a decision; also : the decision or conclusion reached
2 : a settling or making sure of the position, size, or nature of something <determination of the position of a ship>
3 : accurate measurement (as of length or volume)
4 : firm or fixed intention : FIRMNESS  

 

I find the definitions of determination to not be what I thought they were.  And to realize that one of the definitions of determination is coming to a decision/conclusion really seems to hit me.  I guess I am starting to realize that a lot of time in my life I take the road of no decision, which leads me to being forced into what someone else wants.  And I have rationalized this action so many times in my life as my understanding of submission.  And yet of late, I am starting to really wonder if submission was my determination, or something that was twisted in the understandings of others.  

 

And yet in this year. two years since I was sued for divorce, I want my determination to stand for something.  And in these past few days I have found a determination, to fight for what is best for my daughter.  Still I also must start to find the determination for my life.  To be willing to submit each and ever thing to God, but also to find the joy that He wants me to know.  I have found that I have spent so much time going thru one problem after another.  And yet my heart is being pulled in directions that I just don't understand right now.  It is like being called to homeschooling and yet being found in the place where I have had to enroll my child in public school.  And am jumping thru more hoops than I care to deal with, but must.  And also to be tugged into the fact that I have to write.  Where that time to write is... I am lost.  Things just seem to pile up on an ever growing list to do, and the exhaustion of doing what needs to be done with school and meals, laundry and any other silly task that repeats again and again.  

 

Still what surprised me the most is that determination not only describes our choices, but also our beliefs.  And still more is the fact that I could see it also playing a role in what we eat and the portion size that we eat.  And seeing this made me realize that I have to make a determination to change what is holding me back in the same rut that I have been in for so long.  And yet I know that getting out of the rut is going to be painful.  And yet in this process I can realize that having made the determination to be married and submit to my husband, was changed into many forms of abuse that ended with him trying to kill me, and then telling me six months later that he could.  And the determination to stay and help my mother has turned into living in a world where I just keep burying feelings and give up more and more.  

 

So today I am making the determination that things are going to change.  That I am going to allow my husband to have the divorce that he seems to need so much.  And I am going to let him buy the house that he seems to need more than us.  These two actions should give me the funds to make a determination on where we are going to live... and find a place that both of us can have the freedom and stability.  A place where I can set the rules and we can both move forward in my life and yet.... I want to in this process to also draw so close to God that I can stop questioning what He is asking of me in moving forward.  And I want God to give me a peace that I need with being able to look into a mirror and think that I look okay.  To be able to know that I am doing what God wants me to do.  A confidence that I am teaching my daughter that she can be healthy, happy, and love God more than anything, but also that she never has to allow food to become a controlling factor in her life.  It has taken a toll on mine since I grew out of a size 9 pants and then never seemed to stop growing around.  My weight has seen all time highs, and lately have found that when I am living with just my daughter... The weight drops away and I am not seeking it again.  And yet living in a situation with my mother brings back emotions... And then comes the stress.  And that stress grows.  And with it I have found it is all too easy to slip back into the habits that I found gripping my very soul in high school and college...  And I am determined that it is not a path that I want to walk down again...