I am
so ready for it to be Time for a New Script in my life. And I need to
remember that... "While feeling unglued is all I've really known, today
my life can be different."
It is so easy for us to focus on all
the things that allow us to stay in the space we are in... All the
things others have done to wrong us... And yet... Is it really where we
are suppose to stay?
The last two years of my life
have involved police, courts, and more fires than I care to count that
have needed to be dealt with. And focusing on them... would send me
spiraling out of control. Just ask anyone who ever got close enough to
see the me inside the shell of protection that I kept up... The people
who were stubborn enough to ignore my body language... and fight to
break down the walls of protection around me brick by brick... Well
let's just say that they found a puddle of me... I literally could not
edit anything I said and couldn't begin to control a single emotion
around them. It was like drowning inside of the fortress that I had
built to protect myself... even with the holes where they had poked thru
letting the water out. You see... all the things I should have felt
all those many years... I had forced inside of storage containers... And
when the bricks came down... all the neat boxes just sort of evaporated
into shreds of confetti. And since I had spent so long ignoring that I
had feelings... They all came pouring out. And in many ways I am
thankful to one of my pastors... because in many ways he took the brunt
of the emotions. And for some reason his response was things will get
better... And my question was when.
Now I am beginning to see
that the when was already happening. Just because at that moment I
couldn't see a change didn't mean that the change was not happening.
And while lately these things still manage to make me unglued... I can
be thankful for the moments when they do not. I can enjoy the fact that
I can have a little moment of rest... and be able to cherish piece of
mind when I can find it....
So... It brings me to a question...
What one thing do you wish to change in your current script of life?
How can that change help you to stop living in the past? And how can it
help to allow you to take one small step towards the future? And if
you can't think of a single thing for yourself... Take a step into the
world around you and see how you might just be able to help someone else
start the process of writing a New Script for their life...
Friday, August 30, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Loaded Questions...
What
have I been up to? That is such a loaded question right now. To start
off I have been facing the failures of man way too much. And I have
been cooped up in a hospital learning more than I ever thought I could
need to learn about nutrition...
But in the process I have learned much about the body of Christ... Many people who I know have reached out. Others have always stood by me... And the ones I guess I hoped would reach out.... have slipped away. And I guess I could say unnoticed, but having lived thru the abuse, nothing is unnoticed.
In the quiet that I have grown so use to... I sit back and observe. I observe people to make sure that those I am letting into my world are safe... And while I watch I take notes. I see the world thru a very different set of eyes... Eyes that see what people care about. Eyes that see how people are really treating the broken around them. And while many parts of the church have reached out on their own... The church as a whole has stood silent.
And the silence has spoken a great deal more than the words. It has affirmed the fact that they want people who are whole. That they don't want someone who is broken, because they just might have to change their focus. And when the world church is trying to change the focus back to its foundations... I seem to have found the one church that wants to hold onto a way of doing things that will and has sent people away. And in doing that... THEY are sending away the FUTURE of the church. And while in some ways I am a part of the near future of the church... My child is part of the long term future.
So what does that mean... It means that those who want to raise the youth in our churches to be leaders need to step out a little from the way they think things should be done and work on developing a relationship with the future. And that starts by honor the small request of a little child. Children were welcomed into the church and we were told to come to God like the children. And yet, we as people are too busy to take the time to seek out the child who is sick, hurting, and scared to comfort them. To let them know that they are not alone. That there is a bigger support for them beyond their parents. And that becomes even more important when the child has walked thru abuse themselves or even knows that abuse existed in the home they thought was happy.
My mind thinks back to the Wizard of Oz... When they get to Emerald City. They reach the gates and are given special glass that are required to be worn in the city. And then they learn that the glasses are what makes Emerald City green... That a facade exists in the world the people of Emerald City know. And then I look at what I am living today...
I am struggling to take care of our basic needs... Most of the wants never even get looked at. And yet I am surrounded by a world of people who are not struggling to find money to do something as simple as buy a gallon of milk. And they just see that you are broken... And because you don't fit into the facade that they need to have in their church.... You are asked never to return. And so a church and the people inside under the steeple have managed to continue the abuse that you lived with for a long time... And taken it to a different direction. But even when the type of abuse changes... It rarely changes your reaction to it. And you learn that supporting the poor in Africa... and anywhere else you can think of is more important than the hurt and the broken who are left to huddle on the steps of the church... And we huddle there, because we feel God pulling us towards the church... despite the fact that the church is hearing that we don't fit in.... WE DON'T BELONG!
And while we are all called to be Children of God... We feel like we are creating too much stress... Too much trouble... And we stay huddled on the steps. We don't want to rock the boat... We want to serve them in the way we want to be treated, but have learned to never expect it back... And when we see it, we tend to feel like we have had the wind knocked out of us.........
So, have you ever stopped and really taken a look at your actions and words. Have you paraded around wearing each task you undertake for the church as a badge of honor to be revered for...
So I ask... If we all took one small baby step away from the facade that we have learned is the church and start seeking the church within the whole body of Christ.... What would your community look like?
Because in my world... being left alone and left with the feeling that I don't belong... that I am too broken... Is so much better than living daily with the abuse that I faced...
But in the process I have learned much about the body of Christ... Many people who I know have reached out. Others have always stood by me... And the ones I guess I hoped would reach out.... have slipped away. And I guess I could say unnoticed, but having lived thru the abuse, nothing is unnoticed.
In the quiet that I have grown so use to... I sit back and observe. I observe people to make sure that those I am letting into my world are safe... And while I watch I take notes. I see the world thru a very different set of eyes... Eyes that see what people care about. Eyes that see how people are really treating the broken around them. And while many parts of the church have reached out on their own... The church as a whole has stood silent.
And the silence has spoken a great deal more than the words. It has affirmed the fact that they want people who are whole. That they don't want someone who is broken, because they just might have to change their focus. And when the world church is trying to change the focus back to its foundations... I seem to have found the one church that wants to hold onto a way of doing things that will and has sent people away. And in doing that... THEY are sending away the FUTURE of the church. And while in some ways I am a part of the near future of the church... My child is part of the long term future.
So what does that mean... It means that those who want to raise the youth in our churches to be leaders need to step out a little from the way they think things should be done and work on developing a relationship with the future. And that starts by honor the small request of a little child. Children were welcomed into the church and we were told to come to God like the children. And yet, we as people are too busy to take the time to seek out the child who is sick, hurting, and scared to comfort them. To let them know that they are not alone. That there is a bigger support for them beyond their parents. And that becomes even more important when the child has walked thru abuse themselves or even knows that abuse existed in the home they thought was happy.
My mind thinks back to the Wizard of Oz... When they get to Emerald City. They reach the gates and are given special glass that are required to be worn in the city. And then they learn that the glasses are what makes Emerald City green... That a facade exists in the world the people of Emerald City know. And then I look at what I am living today...
I am struggling to take care of our basic needs... Most of the wants never even get looked at. And yet I am surrounded by a world of people who are not struggling to find money to do something as simple as buy a gallon of milk. And they just see that you are broken... And because you don't fit into the facade that they need to have in their church.... You are asked never to return. And so a church and the people inside under the steeple have managed to continue the abuse that you lived with for a long time... And taken it to a different direction. But even when the type of abuse changes... It rarely changes your reaction to it. And you learn that supporting the poor in Africa... and anywhere else you can think of is more important than the hurt and the broken who are left to huddle on the steps of the church... And we huddle there, because we feel God pulling us towards the church... despite the fact that the church is hearing that we don't fit in.... WE DON'T BELONG!
And while we are all called to be Children of God... We feel like we are creating too much stress... Too much trouble... And we stay huddled on the steps. We don't want to rock the boat... We want to serve them in the way we want to be treated, but have learned to never expect it back... And when we see it, we tend to feel like we have had the wind knocked out of us.........
So, have you ever stopped and really taken a look at your actions and words. Have you paraded around wearing each task you undertake for the church as a badge of honor to be revered for...
So I ask... If we all took one small baby step away from the facade that we have learned is the church and start seeking the church within the whole body of Christ.... What would your community look like?
Because in my world... being left alone and left with the feeling that I don't belong... that I am too broken... Is so much better than living daily with the abuse that I faced...
Monday, August 12, 2013
Sleep?
Sleep...
Isn't that what I am suppose to be doing right now? And yet that is
the thing that seems to avoid me. My mind struggles to calm down. And
yet today the conversation inside my mind is so different than it has
been before. While it still talks about my husband... It has taken a
different focus. That focus is on forgiveness. Not something I would
begin to think about. It is like after so many months... things are
changing with me. And a part of that is most likely from growing closer
and closer to God. But sleep is still something I need.... Spending
all night reading isn't going to help me deal with the day to day of
life...
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Everyone Needs Someone
People need people
and friends need friends,
And we all need love
for a full life depends
Not on vast riches
or great acclaim,
Not on success
or on worldly fame,
But just in knowing
that someone cares
And holds us close
in their thoughts and prayers -
For only the knowledge
that we're understood
Makes everyday living
feel wonderfully good.
And we rob ourselves
of life's greatest need
When we "lock up our hearts"
and fail to heed
The outstretched hand
reaching to find
A kindred spirit
whose heart and mind
Are lonely and longing
to somehow share
Our joys and sorrows
to make us aware
That life's completeness
and richness depends
On the things we share
with our loved ones and friends.
Helen Steiner Rice
and friends need friends,
And we all need love
for a full life depends
Not on vast riches
or great acclaim,
Not on success
or on worldly fame,
But just in knowing
that someone cares
And holds us close
in their thoughts and prayers -
For only the knowledge
that we're understood
Makes everyday living
feel wonderfully good.
And we rob ourselves
of life's greatest need
When we "lock up our hearts"
and fail to heed
The outstretched hand
reaching to find
A kindred spirit
whose heart and mind
Are lonely and longing
to somehow share
Our joys and sorrows
to make us aware
That life's completeness
and richness depends
On the things we share
with our loved ones and friends.
Helen Steiner Rice
Climb 'Til Your Dream Comes True
Often your tasks will be many,
And more than you think you can do.
Often the road will be rugged
And the hills insurmountable, too.
But always remember, the hills ahead
Are never as steep as they seem,
And with Faith in your heart start upward
And climb 'Til you reach your dream.
For nothing in life that is worthy
Is never too hard to achieve
If you have the courage to try it
And you have the Faith to believe.
For Faith is a force that is greater
Than knowledge or power or skill
And many defeats turn to triumph
If you trust in God's wisdom and will.
For Faith is a mover of mountains.
There's nothing that God cannot do,
So start out today with Faith in your heart
And "Climb 'Til Your Dream Comes True" !
- Helen Steiner Rice (1900 - 1981)
... If thou canst believe,
all things are possible
to him that believeth.
Mark 9:23
And more than you think you can do.
Often the road will be rugged
And the hills insurmountable, too.
But always remember, the hills ahead
Are never as steep as they seem,
And with Faith in your heart start upward
And climb 'Til you reach your dream.
For nothing in life that is worthy
Is never too hard to achieve
If you have the courage to try it
And you have the Faith to believe.
For Faith is a force that is greater
Than knowledge or power or skill
And many defeats turn to triumph
If you trust in God's wisdom and will.
For Faith is a mover of mountains.
There's nothing that God cannot do,
So start out today with Faith in your heart
And "Climb 'Til Your Dream Comes True" !
- Helen Steiner Rice (1900 - 1981)
... If thou canst believe,
all things are possible
to him that believeth.
Mark 9:23
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Seeking?
Peace...
a sense of calm. Something that I guess a part of me always thought
came from the having things... Not a great deal, but enough. A place
to call home... Clothes... Food...
And now, when I am facing the fact that things are something that just can't be held onto... I am actually finding peace. A peace that I can't begin to explain. I can just live it. I live it in the actions that I take everyday. Actions that are not in trying to fix the situations around me... but are calling me to focus on what blessings I do have. And in truth the changes that are happening within me are beyond understanding.
And in many ways I am finding the strength inside of me that I have always known was there, but didn't realize how to access. And how am I doing it... I honestly don't think it is from me that these changes are coming. I am finding the peace in the quiet moments that I can share with my child. I am finding the peace in the fact that I can seek someone who is so much greater than me. And in that seeking I am finding the doors that have been holding me into the prison of my own making being taken away.
You see I have spent so much time in the comfort of the familiar. Not that the familiar was good for me... It was just that familiar.
And why hope for more when there is comfort in the predictable. Even when the predictable is abuse.
It took a dear set of friends a great deal of time and prayer to start to chip away at the barriers that I had spent so much time building. And often times with the barriers... they couldn't be so gentle in telling me that things could be different. And yet in love they have also allowed me to grow and make the mistakes that I need to make to grow. Because they haven't changed me... they have merely been guides along a path that was set for me a long time ago. A path that is to be directed by a life mission and not defined by a job. A path that will leave a mark on this world for the better though I can't begin to understand how or why...
And I am finding that in these friends I have been truly blessed by God. I have had to travel a path of struggle to find some of them. I have pushed them away because of fear. And in the guidance of life and the discipleship that they have given me... I have found the faith of my actions. A faith that is freeing me, not holding me by bondage to rules. A faith that is changing me sometimes despite myself. And yet in this path the focus of what is to come is becoming clearer.... And I am realizing that my passions for life that I was born with are being realized. That the gifts that I have are going to be what I am called to use. I also realize that there are still things that I am not good at that God is going to call me to do that will just allow the world to see His glory.
And the fear that I felt not so long ago with the fact that this path will be one of sharing the hurts of my life is being taken away. I am finding a peace in the words that I can share in the hopes that others who are living in abuse can see that there is hope. Hope that things can change. Hope that things can be different. Hope that each day can be a little bit better than the one before. I understand that life will always hold challenges for us all... And yet I am finding that these challenges are being met by faith.
And while I can not change the conditions that have brought me to this point. And I certainly can't change the man I married. I have come to peace with the fact that divorce is part of this journey for me. And that divorce is not the end... It is just the beginning of the next part of my journey with God. And while I will not discount the fact that God could indeed change my husband... I am letting him go. I am letting him go with the understanding that for now that is what God deems is best in the place we reached in our marriage with abuse. And though a part of me feels that it is a death. I will not rule out the fact that we might find each other again someday. That day is just not today. And the covenant that we entered into together on the day we married is not the bonds that I have been taught to feel it is. He choose to break the covenant... And it is my obedience to God to let him go. And while it in some ways will be a death of a part of my life... Only God knows what the future will hold. And while it is freeing me from my marriage... It will still take time to wrap my head around the freedom that God is giving me with the fact that my husband broke the covenant. And as I come to terms with this... And as I allow God to heal my heart... And to heal the heart of my child... I can maybe someday come to understand what true love is.... And I would consider myself blessed to only come to understand what true love of God is...
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what you are pursuing in order to feel at peace or secure? Have you ever stopped to think about what you really want in life? These are simple yet difficult questions... And yet in taking the time with people who are suffering you can learn a lot about them just by asking them what they really want to do. Our ideas and thoughts of how to fix abuse only work when it is what the person who is living the abuse feels that it is what they want. And then... Only God knows what can happen next.
And now, when I am facing the fact that things are something that just can't be held onto... I am actually finding peace. A peace that I can't begin to explain. I can just live it. I live it in the actions that I take everyday. Actions that are not in trying to fix the situations around me... but are calling me to focus on what blessings I do have. And in truth the changes that are happening within me are beyond understanding.
And in many ways I am finding the strength inside of me that I have always known was there, but didn't realize how to access. And how am I doing it... I honestly don't think it is from me that these changes are coming. I am finding the peace in the quiet moments that I can share with my child. I am finding the peace in the fact that I can seek someone who is so much greater than me. And in that seeking I am finding the doors that have been holding me into the prison of my own making being taken away.
You see I have spent so much time in the comfort of the familiar. Not that the familiar was good for me... It was just that familiar.
And why hope for more when there is comfort in the predictable. Even when the predictable is abuse.
It took a dear set of friends a great deal of time and prayer to start to chip away at the barriers that I had spent so much time building. And often times with the barriers... they couldn't be so gentle in telling me that things could be different. And yet in love they have also allowed me to grow and make the mistakes that I need to make to grow. Because they haven't changed me... they have merely been guides along a path that was set for me a long time ago. A path that is to be directed by a life mission and not defined by a job. A path that will leave a mark on this world for the better though I can't begin to understand how or why...
And I am finding that in these friends I have been truly blessed by God. I have had to travel a path of struggle to find some of them. I have pushed them away because of fear. And in the guidance of life and the discipleship that they have given me... I have found the faith of my actions. A faith that is freeing me, not holding me by bondage to rules. A faith that is changing me sometimes despite myself. And yet in this path the focus of what is to come is becoming clearer.... And I am realizing that my passions for life that I was born with are being realized. That the gifts that I have are going to be what I am called to use. I also realize that there are still things that I am not good at that God is going to call me to do that will just allow the world to see His glory.
And the fear that I felt not so long ago with the fact that this path will be one of sharing the hurts of my life is being taken away. I am finding a peace in the words that I can share in the hopes that others who are living in abuse can see that there is hope. Hope that things can change. Hope that things can be different. Hope that each day can be a little bit better than the one before. I understand that life will always hold challenges for us all... And yet I am finding that these challenges are being met by faith.
And while I can not change the conditions that have brought me to this point. And I certainly can't change the man I married. I have come to peace with the fact that divorce is part of this journey for me. And that divorce is not the end... It is just the beginning of the next part of my journey with God. And while I will not discount the fact that God could indeed change my husband... I am letting him go. I am letting him go with the understanding that for now that is what God deems is best in the place we reached in our marriage with abuse. And though a part of me feels that it is a death. I will not rule out the fact that we might find each other again someday. That day is just not today. And the covenant that we entered into together on the day we married is not the bonds that I have been taught to feel it is. He choose to break the covenant... And it is my obedience to God to let him go. And while it in some ways will be a death of a part of my life... Only God knows what the future will hold. And while it is freeing me from my marriage... It will still take time to wrap my head around the freedom that God is giving me with the fact that my husband broke the covenant. And as I come to terms with this... And as I allow God to heal my heart... And to heal the heart of my child... I can maybe someday come to understand what true love is.... And I would consider myself blessed to only come to understand what true love of God is...
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what you are pursuing in order to feel at peace or secure? Have you ever stopped to think about what you really want in life? These are simple yet difficult questions... And yet in taking the time with people who are suffering you can learn a lot about them just by asking them what they really want to do. Our ideas and thoughts of how to fix abuse only work when it is what the person who is living the abuse feels that it is what they want. And then... Only God knows what can happen next.
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