Who am I?

I am starting to wonder who I am.  I have been obedient my whole life.  I have honored my parents, even now that they are not living on this earth.  I took the vows I made seriously when I married my husband.  But none of these statements tell me who I am...

In addition to reading the book for bible study, I am rereading a book that I read three years ago, "the buddha & the borderline".  I am at a point in the book where Kiera Van Gelder is talking about bringing all of the different parts of herself to a table to listen to them.  And somehow her true self is the person who oversees the meeting...  yet in the description she talks about each stage of her life as a part of herself.  In reading this it has raised the question in my mind, having traveled thru so many different churches has created rules in my mind.  Is each of those rules a part of my self?

If that is so, then we would be looking at the me at home, at each school, at each church, in each Girl Scout troop, and that list could go on...  Where would this list end?  And in the midst of all these versions of myself, where would the true self be?

I am beginning to wonder this because it has become clear that in the midst of the choices that I made in marriage, are being used to judge the person I am currently.  It baffles me that our simply being present in a place changes the risk to others that much.  And yet, I can understand how other feel.  And while I am struggling to figure out who I am... I am still willing to pick up yet again and walk away from another place that has started to feel like home.  I am starting to wonder if that is who I am.  A follower of Christ who is going to suffer great loss and pain while on this earth.  It seems like a great burden that I am being asked to carry, and it makes me feel so isolated.  It raises the question, if we as Christians are called to belong to a community, which we call a church...  how can the church ask us to walk away again and again because of a threat that was made years ago?  

I am realizing that I have so many more questions than answers.  And that right now I might just have to accept that I have a mind full of questions.  I also seem to be being asked to accept the fact that friendships only come with distance, and that in order to make others feel safe, that I must move on again.  I wish I understood the need to live in a bubble of safety in life.  I just have no comprehension.  I have always known that the world would seek us out and attempt to destroy us.  That no where we lived and went was ever truly safe.  And maybe it is that understanding that I have that scares others...  

Right now, I may now understand... yet I am willing to suffer, if that is what Christ asks of me...