You see, my mind doesn't have the luxury of being able to just focus on one thing. I would love to be able to spend a day just focused on one thought. Yet, my mind is constantly processing at least three or four different things as well as listening. Let me tell you, it is not fun. I seem to take multitasking to a whole new level, which usually means I am processing so much information that nothing I do is really getting done. Or at least it feels that way. The funniest part of this all is people have tried to tell me that they understand... and I am always shocked to hear that they understand the journey that I am on.
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are people in this world who truly do understand this journey. It is the others who attempt to understand a world that they can't imagine that make me sometimes just want to double over and laugh. These are the same people who feel that I am personally attacking them when I get protective of my daughter. You see... my journey... has a path of staring down death. Not once, but twice. And when you have seen death pass you by, it has a very sobering effect on a person. And when you add my multitasking mind... Stand back.
Today alone at church... I am listening to my pastor talk about the journey that we will travel on this year to Easter. And how we are also going to examine the journey in Exodus. At which point my mind was also realizing that Easter is early this year, and the last time that I have a real memory of an early Easter was the year I tried to take my own life. Followed by the fact that I was served divorce papers three years ago, and this past week my Mother In Law shut down the divorce process with regards to mediation. And what does that mean for me, a whole lot of questions and a great deal of panic. And if that wasn't enough, I was thinking about how this is all going to effect my daughter, and the typical day to day struggles of a single mom. And then this heart in throat feeling of not being worthy enough for what Christ has done for us all. And then people can wonder why I will attempt to distract myself by listening and playing a game... I am trying slow my mind down to let the actual sermon sink in.
Today was the first time that something that was said in the sermon managed to shut my brain down to a much slower gear. It is a very infrequent occurrence, but a memorable one when it happens. The sentence that shut my mind down was the comment that people think a pastor has their prayers listened to better because they are a pastor. Which is in my mind illogical. I guess I have always thought that it was the opposite... with such great responsibility they have to learn to rely on God in a different way. And yet, I can't begin to explain why that is what I think. Which is often a challenge in my life.
But back to this idea of a journey... I am on one. It started just over three years ago, when the idea of leaving was planted inside my mind. With that idea, I was eventually able to take my first step forward and walk out the door. The sad thing is that three years later, I can't begin to explain to you why I stayed for so many years. I can't tell you why after he tried to kill me, I let him come home and forgive him. And I still don't know why I walked out the door. While I don't live in a constant level of panic where I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells... Life is not easy.
Still... it is a journey. I wouldn't change the moments that I have been granted in these past three years for anything. The time that I was given with my mother. The ability to watch my daughter grow into a young lady, and still be able to keep the innocence that we all strive to protect in our children. And it is a journey that I might never have been blessed with if I had stayed... because staying would have been putting my very life at risk every single breath I took.
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