I know that if you saw me in church, you might think that I never pay attention to a word being said. And yet, most Sundays my mind is going so fast that I am not only hearing all that is being spoken, but I am also replaying many other things that have happened in the past week... let alone in the past years.
You see, my mind doesn't have the luxury of being able to just focus on one thing. I would love to be able to spend a day just focused on one thought. Yet, my mind is constantly processing at least three or four different things as well as listening. Let me tell you, it is not fun. I seem to take multitasking to a whole new level, which usually means I am processing so much information that nothing I do is really getting done. Or at least it feels that way. The funniest part of this all is people have tried to tell me that they understand... and I am always shocked to hear that they understand the journey that I am on.
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are people in this world who truly do understand this journey. It is the others who attempt to understand a world that they can't imagine that make me sometimes just want to double over and laugh. These are the same people who feel that I am personally attacking them when I get protective of my daughter. You see... my journey... has a path of staring down death. Not once, but twice. And when you have seen death pass you by, it has a very sobering effect on a person. And when you add my multitasking mind... Stand back.
Today alone at church... I am listening to my pastor talk about the journey that we will travel on this year to Easter. And how we are also going to examine the journey in Exodus. At which point my mind was also realizing that Easter is early this year, and the last time that I have a real memory of an early Easter was the year I tried to take my own life. Followed by the fact that I was served divorce papers three years ago, and this past week my Mother In Law shut down the divorce process with regards to mediation. And what does that mean for me, a whole lot of questions and a great deal of panic. And if that wasn't enough, I was thinking about how this is all going to effect my daughter, and the typical day to day struggles of a single mom. And then this heart in throat feeling of not being worthy enough for what Christ has done for us all. And then people can wonder why I will attempt to distract myself by listening and playing a game... I am trying slow my mind down to let the actual sermon sink in.
Today was the first time that something that was said in the sermon managed to shut my brain down to a much slower gear. It is a very infrequent occurrence, but a memorable one when it happens. The sentence that shut my mind down was the comment that people think a pastor has their prayers listened to better because they are a pastor. Which is in my mind illogical. I guess I have always thought that it was the opposite... with such great responsibility they have to learn to rely on God in a different way. And yet, I can't begin to explain why that is what I think. Which is often a challenge in my life.
But back to this idea of a journey... I am on one. It started just over three years ago, when the idea of leaving was planted inside my mind. With that idea, I was eventually able to take my first step forward and walk out the door. The sad thing is that three years later, I can't begin to explain to you why I stayed for so many years. I can't tell you why after he tried to kill me, I let him come home and forgive him. And I still don't know why I walked out the door. While I don't live in a constant level of panic where I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells... Life is not easy.
Still... it is a journey. I wouldn't change the moments that I have been granted in these past three years for anything. The time that I was given with my mother. The ability to watch my daughter grow into a young lady, and still be able to keep the innocence that we all strive to protect in our children. And it is a journey that I might never have been blessed with if I had stayed... because staying would have been putting my very life at risk every single breath I took.
Last night I had the privilege of being to share a sacred season with my daughter. The same way that the season had been shared with me as I grew up from a baby to a young lady.
It is a challenge to share faith. And I know that many people find fault in faith. And yet, things are defined in my life by my faith. And yesterday was a day to be reminded that we are all bound together with out faith. It might not be your faith in God. It might be as simple as your faith in the fact that the sun will rise each morning. Wherever you hold your faith, it is a start of the new season for us all...
Within that season, we seek spring. And in my faith I step forward to celebrate Lent. And while Lent to me is something that I just know and accept, for others it might be a foreign concept. So, if you don't know what Lent is... check out Wikipedia here... And yet even those words can't describe the revelations that I had last night at church.
My pastor was talking about grace and belonging. Now the first is a concept that I know we all struggle with on many levels. The sense of belonging is something that I struggle with each and every day. I feel like I am the person who just stays exactly where I am told to and watch all the action around me. Until last night I would have thought that I was the only person in the whole world who struggled with belonging. And to listen to my pastor tell a story of a time when he felt like he didn't belong, really got me to thinking. That maybe, we all have stories of times when we don't belong that we keep locked up safe inside our minds.
And it amazes me to think that deep down inside that everyone really has the ability to understand what a woman faces when they make the step forward to change the way their life has been. To take a step forward away from the abuse that she suffers in silence. And that pain that they hold inside, we all need to provide a place where they can start a new season and feel safe... A place where the stories that you hold inside of your heart and mind are shared, not to show the people around you hold good you are, or even what you have accomplished... But a place to show those around you that they can risk themselves and open the dark corners of secrets... and begin to find the words that move them forward. And with those words, maybe they can start to feel like they belong... and with that belonging they might find this new season that offers them grace...
And my prayer would be to teach them about my season of Lent, but first we have to give them an ability to be able to breathe...
As the days get closer to a day that the world celebrates love... I find that I am most likely the only person around who is not overjoyed with the thought of a celebration of love. Valentine's Day is a day the world seem to open up its wallets trying to purchase the tokens of love that they think will bring them to the one that they seek. They think that it will bring them that "feeling" we all seem to call love.
And yet, what is love? How do we perceive it in this ever changing world?
Well, I can not speak for others. I can only speak based on the experiences that have lead me to ask what of love is real... It is something that honestly confuses me. A huge part of the experiences are clouded by one simple fact. That fact is that my husband filed for our divorce three years ago, on Valentine's Day. That one simple act started us on the path that is leading to the end of our marriage.
And yet that one act was not completed in a vacuum. And yet, even the years of demands doesn't make me feel any better about the process of divorce. I could handle the expectations of being able to turn on my body for my husband like a light switch. I could handle the being asked to jump and take care of his latest need. The constant jokes about how often I have to go pee, were just another thing to let roll off my back. Like the fact that each and every time we were together... I was left wondering. And I am still wondering about the one other point I felt that I was suppose to prove love, and somehow failed. Yet, even with the simple fact that a gun was pointed at me, I still know how I failed.
Now, with the impending annual holiday to celebrate love... it is no wonder that I am cynical about what love is, and even harder to actually understand how we do perceive love in this world. And it makes me question, how does God come into play with our perceptions in our changing world...
I am starting to wonder who I am. I have been obedient my whole life. I have honored my parents, even now that they are not living on this earth. I took the vows I made seriously when I married my husband. But none of these statements tell me who I am...
In addition to reading the book for bible study, I am rereading a book that I read three years ago, "the buddha & the borderline". I am at a point in the book where Kiera Van Gelder is talking about bringing all of the different parts of herself to a table to listen to them. And somehow her true self is the person who oversees the meeting... yet in the description she talks about each stage of her life as a part of herself. In reading this it has raised the question in my mind, having traveled thru so many different churches has created rules in my mind. Is each of those rules a part of my self?
If that is so, then we would be looking at the me at home, at each school, at each church, in each Girl Scout troop, and that list could go on... Where would this list end? And in the midst of all these versions of myself, where would the true self be?
I am beginning to wonder this because it has become clear that in the midst of the choices that I made in marriage, are being used to judge the person I am currently. It baffles me that our simply being present in a place changes the risk to others that much. And yet, I can understand how other feel. And while I am struggling to figure out who I am... I am still willing to pick up yet again and walk away from another place that has started to feel like home. I am starting to wonder if that is who I am. A follower of Christ who is going to suffer great loss and pain while on this earth. It seems like a great burden that I am being asked to carry, and it makes me feel so isolated. It raises the question, if we as Christians are called to belong to a community, which we call a church... how can the church ask us to walk away again and again because of a threat that was made years ago?
I am realizing that I have so many more questions than answers. And that right now I might just have to accept that I have a mind full of questions. I also seem to be being asked to accept the fact that friendships only come with distance, and that in order to make others feel safe, that I must move on again. I wish I understood the need to live in a bubble of safety in life. I just have no comprehension. I have always known that the world would seek us out and attempt to destroy us. That no where we lived and went was ever truly safe. And maybe it is that understanding that I have that scares others...
Right now, I may now understand... yet I am willing to suffer, if that is what Christ asks of me...
I have been reading a book by Karen Ehman called "Keep It Shut". And honestly as far as I have gotten it is a good book. Yet, in the end of chapter two she writes...
"God intentionally orchestrated the relationships in our lives. He knew who would share your last name - or your four walls"
Well, in having lived in an abusive relationship, this is a big idea to swallow. And yet in many ways I was seeing in print an idea that I have always felt. I felt that God sent me into this relationship with my husband. That I was following God's will and that we would become one and seek God together and be showered with his blessings. And in some ways I have seen God's blessings, even when I felt I was living in hell. And yet, it wasn't until I read another words that I was able to see more clearly why I got stuck on that quote...
"This
has been heavy on my heart because I know some of us have been in
abusive relationships and feel like WHY DID YOU PUT ME THERE? I know
that Karen
said God orchestrated every person he puts in our life, on our path.
Some ladies are seeing those words at the end of chapter two and taking
that to mean that in some way you were at fault for being abused or hurt
by someone. I want to say this to you today. You were never being
punished when you were abused. God did not say it is time to teach her a
lesson. He knew what would happen if the person you were with decided
to behave a certain way. We all have free will and choices in our lives.
We don't have to choose to sin. We don't have to choose to hurt. Some
people do and eventually they are punished for their actions. Just as we
don't have to choose to hurt someone. God may take that wrong that was
done to you and use it to help someone else by putting you in their
life. Giving you a chance to say “I HAVE BEEN THERE! And now, I will
help you. There is a light on the other side and let me tell you his
name is Jesus." Don't read those last paragraphs in chapter 2 and feel
shame or sadness or that you were being punished for something. Read
that and know that when it was happening, you were never ever alone. God
was there, He saw it, He heard your cries for help and He never ever
left you. He held your hand and walked you out of that place and said,
you are worthy of love and you are loved. I am here to take care of you.
And I will never leave you or hurt you. Listen for my voice and follow
my lead. I will take care of you. And if you are on the other side, you
know He was faithful in that promise. If you are not there yet, hang on
tight and ask God to walk you down the path to freedom with His guidance
and love. Ask God to put people in your path that will help you. He
will! I know he will! " ~ Anonymous
And I am hoping that this can also help you... That my struggles and my openness are able to bridge a window of clarity to you while you are surviving and seeking to move beyond that help that an abusive relationship can be.
