I have watched the last few years tick by at a record pace. I am really trying to focus on what is to come, and not what has been. And yet, the words that seem to bring the freedom from that past tend to get stuck in my throat. Words given voice instead of held inside...
How do you give words to the secrets that drove you away from your husband? I find it a challenge since I am not sure that I really was driven away. I still deep inside love him. Even with that, I am not sure what it would take to even begin to rebuild the trust that use to exist between us.
Which brings me to the fact that I am still feeling the ticking of the clock. A clock that has grown louder inside knowing that the divorce will come to pass. At one point in time, I will go from being separated from my husband, to the world of a divorced woman. It is amazing that I am still considering how to rebuild trust... even with the fact that he wanted me dead. Never mind the other things that I listened to him tell me that he wanted to try...
Somewhere along the way I came to cherish love within the bounds of faith. And the words of becoming one... became a point of focus with in me. As I listened to all the things beyond the line of just him and I... I found that within me I wanted to vomit. Not sure of what I was hoping for in all the days of willingly submitting to each idea. How I would keep the challenge of doing what he desired... yet, I felt worse and worse. It always seemed like I was never enough...
And I still wonder, did he ever love me? Or did he just love the fact that I was submissive, doing what he asked of me to make him happy. At some point, I felt that even the family dog was worth more to him than me... And while I still have questions. I wonder about love and trust moving forward...
All I can hear inside is the tick-tock of the clock to divorce.
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