Each small challenge is another death.

Yesterday in the process of this dissolvement of marriage that we call divorce, I faced the death of another part of our lives together.  This time it was the car.  And for some reason the death of the car brought forth a flood of emotions.

I can remember the process of picking the car out.  He wanted a much bigger car, and when I looked at the cost of car insurance I fought for something less costly.  A car with a $200.00 a month insurance payment, is like an albatross.  And lately even this car without the higher insurance payment has begun to feel like an albatross.  

My day started out like a normal day.  I was walking thru my list of things that required our presence.  And while I managed to get thru the start of the list.  I found myself sitting in the car.  Here I was a few blocks from the meeting spot, and my car would turn on, and even purr... but travel in any direction... Nope.  And this has not been the first time that this has happened.  Within months of walking out the door...  the car had stopped dead on the road.  And that time required several weeks to correct.  

And while I was sitting in the car... waiting for the insurance agent to pick up the phone and send help... all these cars with drivers were upset with me.  Upset that here I was sitting on the off ramp, where I had stopped for a red light, stuck.  The honks and gestures were something that I wished that I didn't have to witness, let alone witness with my own daughter in the car.  



As the minutes ticked by... the panic level inside of me grew.  As a single mother, a car seemed to be a life line when I first walked out the door.  And yet, with the car dead for the God knows how many times... it suddenly felt like this huge weight pushing me down into the abyss of death.  Yet again I have to figure out how to afford to fix the car that he wanted.  And at the same time I needed to figure out how to get to the meeting and then get us home.

I am trying to navigate thru the divorce that I have been served.  And it seems like the simple everyday things that create the challenges.  And these challenges really do feel like deaths.  Things that normally would have been taken care of by your spouse seem to be the biggest roadblocks.  And in my life, the car is one of those roadblocks... as a kid, I lived with the if it was broken, daddy please fix it life.  And then in marriage, my husband took that role.  Now, I just don't know what is next...  and while most people would figure out how to just take care of this thing.  I am finding that the death of the car, is also a death of another part of the relationship that use to exist with my husband. 

Each task that I have to take over that my husband use to take care of...  is a vivid reminder of what I don't have support over.  And it is a knife to me, knowing that I am being replaced in his world, because I am required to fill the shoes and take care of each and ever task he did for me.  And eventually these little deaths will eliminate my husband from my life... but how do I eliminate him from my heart?  Sigh... maybe more time will answer that question.