These past few weeks have been a challenge for me. And yet why they were is because of fear. Fear is apparently an innate emotion. And it is not alone, it comes along with joy, sadness, fright, dread, horrors, panic, anxiety, acute stress reaction, and anger. And you would think that I might be able to understand something of each of these emotions... but I don't. And yet, I am struggling with the fear verses anxiety battle. And somehow I am suppose to be able to tell them apart.
And yet fear tends to be associated with the wicked. And yet fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. And what is that wisdom that we are seeking. Is it a greater understanding of God, or an ability to make sense of this world around us. And yet how do you want to understand a world that is constantly changing. Changing so often that I wonder what I should cling to for support. And while I know we should put our faith in God... There are times that if that is all we have. We find ourselves alone.
And yet going forward... If we can control our fear does that mean we are in a place of God? Or is it more along the lines that fear is equated to the pain we suffer when we give birth to our child. Which makes me wonder if fear relates to the pain we feel in our body each and every day. And yet... I know what it is to fear God. I know what it is to fear not meeting God's standards. And I even know what it is to fear my parent's standards...
Where this all leaves me... is trying to figure out if the fear I live with day after day is rational or irrational... Is years of torture in knowing that I was a failure that has left the fear? Or is it just the fact that I am broken? I might not know right now, but I want a better understanding of fear... And to know how faith can replace fear......
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