I grew up across church lines. It is an interesting conversation, but that is for another day. Yet, in this crossing of lines... I was born into a merge. My mother was raised Catholic and my father was raised Orthodox. In my life this line became the one that would matter the most to my father's family. I didn't understand how much this line would matter, until I got married.
You see... my father's baby sister was a joy to be around. It was fun hearing about all her travels and adventures. Hear about her job and all the things a kid looks forward to as a part of being grown up. And it was an exciting time with her. It was on a visit to see her that I got to see and swim in Lake Erie for the first time in my life. It was her doorstep that I showed up on at 1 in the morning when my mom's mom threw us out of her house, all because we were going to see both sets of family. And going to see my father's family was like the worst thing my mom's mom could hear, because the attention of us was not focused all on her.
And arriving on my aunt's doorstep... we were welcome like the lost showing up. We belonged and she didn't care that we were sleeping on her floor... She gave us shelter when we didn't know where else to go. I can remember that night, because my brother got so sick he was throwing up. And my aunt picked up a roll of paper towels and said... I have cleaned up enough vomit thru chemo... You made the mess, you get to clean it up. And in the morning we were cheerfully awaken and able to spend the day with her and my yia yia... Those memories are there...
And while we lived most of my life far away from her... There were times when we would get to see each other. Like the Thanksgiving of my freshman year in college... And then at my wedding... And even at my daughter's first birthday party. And yet at this moment my memories of her also have stopped to remember the reason that we drifted apart. The reason that after my wedding and thru my father dying... My last memories of her are scattered with the last time I remember us being together was for my daughter's first birthday party.
You see... The day I got married, which I still have good memories of... I made the choice to be married in the Catholic Church. It was something that pleased my mother, and because it pleased my mother... my father was happy for me. Because my father saw beyond the message/doctrine of any one Christian Church. And my father knew that no matter which church I was married in... I loved God. Yet, the one person I thought would be thrilled that day for me... wasn't exactly.
The joy of sharing that day with my aunt, was shadowed by the fact that she was disappointed that I didn't get married in the Orthodox Church. And at the point I learned of that disappointment, it was far too late to change a thing. And I am not sure I would have changed anything. And yet that disappointment turned into a wall. One that we never seemed to overcome. And yet that wall stayed in place for other reasons...
After my father died... blame was thrown around. We didn't do enough. If only... and that list was long... This added fuel to the fire of the disappointment of where I was married. And my mother built that wall bigger... and bigger. And now years later and having traveled thru more loss and abuse that I like to think about... I know that I let the abuse keep the wall between me and my aunt. And now she is gone.
And with death I can't pick up the phone and try to locate her. I can't make the choice to finally friend her on Facebook. I am left with the memories of days long past. And also left with regrets in my heart. But I am left with one hope...
My hope is in the fact that my aunt shared my faith. She loved God. And maybe in heaven I will get the chance to regain what was lost in our broken world... Lost thru abuse and control on my life, and anger in my mother's... And then we can dance, laugh, and talk till we feel like we couldn't keep our eyes open another minute. And maybe then I will get to know what God did in her life all those years that the wall existed.
And right now... I pray my father is hugging his sister. Telling her how much we loved her. And that the wall that my mother built higher has been crumbled so that she can be in fellowship with my aunt in heaven also... And while all I know about heaven is that we are in God's presence... I hope that what I pray is true. Because I miss my aunt, and I no longer will be able to talk to her in my life.
Yet, in eternal life...
All I can do is hope and pray...
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