Do You Love Me?

Love and trust seem to be the current trend on what is going on in my life.  And in ways that I am still shocked about. 

I went to talk to my pastor this week.  Honestly thankful that he is back from vacation.  And yet being able to tell him that currently the one way I can cope is to write.  Yet, writing e-mails works the best...  so, yet again I am encouraged to keep sending him e-mails instead of sliding further down the path of cutting.
It has been two and a half years since I last cut, but getting rid of the thoughts and pull...  That takes more time.  Time that seems to require the emptying of all the secrets I had buried inside, even those long forgotten. 

Well in the course of playing catch up with my pastor...  he got back somehow to the greatest commandments.  And from somewhere inside me... I spoke the words... I can't love my neighbors like myself.  They would be treated like crap.  I treat them better than that.

And it brought questions...  and a realization that I do not understand love.

I thought I did, and yet I am willing to walk away from owning anything and live in a tent...  just so that my brother can get the funds he seems to think he needs.  Which would also mean walking away from what I actually own.  And moving into a place where I don't even have a bed to sleep in.  He wants me to be gone... and of course he makes it sound like I am going to be putting him out on the street.  

At the same time I have already walked away from the house that my husband and I owned together.  I am told that at some point I will see funds from it, but like everything else in this life...  I am not holding my breath.  You see I know my to be ex-husband all too well to know that money is what drives him. 

So the two closest men in my world view love as giving them what they want.  And it makes me wonder why they even deal with me, because I believe in fairy tales according to them both.  The funniest part is each of them hates the other.  And it seems that now they both hate me.  

So... in my world... 

Love has conditions... Love is proving that you are worthy of it... Love always gives in to the others wants... and of course...  Love forgets you own wants and needs...  all of the greater good.  And maybe I have something to learn...  and I might be starting to understand just a little.

But it scares me to have heard that God says we should love ourselves.  All I can see is vanity smurf... walking around with his mirror.  And it is something that I fear...

Safety for Words...

Share It ~ Do you have a story or testimony of going From Consumer to Contributor or From Purposeless to Purposeful?

 I am finding that I am in the process of this transition.  I have spent a great deal of time doing well at being able to listen to others.  To encourage them.  And see a need and help fill it.  And yet I have reached a point in my life where all of that seems to be falling apart.

You see... I was able to look at others, and yet in many ways I was avoiding what was going on in my own life.  I managed to put all feeling into little boxes.  And adding to it all the images, words, and memories.  Never wanting to look in the boxes and face the pain that was growing in my life.  It was like I could keep walking forward in faith... as long as I buried all those boxes deep down inside what to me seemed like a castle vault.  And my mind had the fact that all those boxes were being protected by God.  That it was okay, because my mind was always on others.  

And yet... as you stuff things away.  Even believing that it is okay with God.  Eventually God comes knocking at the door of that vault.  And says "Let me in there also".  And when that finally started happening to me... I was already facing a divorce.  And yet, in many ways my answer was that I would gladly go and pick out a box and bring it out and then we could discuss that little box.

And yet, in the process of starting that...  I learned that when you willingly open the door to the vault, you must be aware that the spirit of the Lord will sometimes enter when you open it.  And when that process started...  It felt like my whole world was falling apart.  And for the first time in my life... I started to feel so selfish.  I am still struggling with that feeling a lot lately.

And yet one of the issues with all those boxes...  was that they were not only painful, but they were secrets.  And some of them are still secrets.  And as these boxes are being opened... often times without me even realizing that the boxes are being played with.  Something changes in me...  I feel driven with a great need to talk.  A need to seems to block out all other things that are going on around me.  I feel like I am falling into the fact that I am consuming others time.  And not being able to see the needs around me and serve others.  And this need to talk... really becomes in many ways focused on one person.  And while that need is improving, this past week it has reached a greater level of need that I have ever faced before.  And yet, the words get caught inside of me when I try to type an email, or even talk to anyone else.  I live with the fear of judgement, punishment, and see clearly my lack of perfection.  I can not look away from each and every mistake that I made, or think I have made as a part of that secret.  And I struggle to see the grace and forgiveness that is a gift to me.  Yet... I can freely forgive others, with the fact that all the blame is my fault.

And so... while my heart wants to be a contributor... my mind struggles with my past and all the secrets I have buried that need to be faced.  And I feel like I am sinking... holding on for that one right moment when I can talk and the words will come.  And a need to have that happen in the one place I feel safe... The one place I have found no judgement... just grace.  And maybe as the vault is emptied... it will be easier to contribute to the kingdom, instead of feeling like I am consuming a part of the greater good.

* I acknowledge that this might not exactly fit the design of the question, but it is honestly where my heart has been in battle for this past week for any number of reasons.

A detour in books...

These past few days I have taken some time to read something other than the book I should be reading for the bible study that I should be reading... and stopped to read the books that the Duggar parents wrote.  It was something that I had desired to read for a long time.  Most likely when they were first published.  But at that point other things kept me from purchasing them. 

And yet I will say that I read them in God's time.  If I had read them back then, I am not sure what might have happened in my marriage.  And yet now... with my facing divorce...  I can better understand where things broke down.  And most importantly in our communication.  I could go thru a laundry list of what I tried, and what I didn't.  And even what I desired and what I did not desire.  And that discussion could start at the moment we woke up and continue right up to our life behind the door of our bedroom.  And yet I won't share these thoughts.  I will share that I failed my own husband, and yet I couldn't fail our child. 

Part of this comes from the fact that a mother's job is to protect her children.  And to teach them to cherish God in all they do.  And in these past few days of reading... I have been given a small measure of peace on moving forward as a single parent.  And to make sure that my daughter grows up to understand what it means to be a Woman of Excellence... A Proverbs 31 Woman.  And while we have time before we get to that day... I can see how my actions and even what I say about her father can effect her.  I am very clear to be truthful.  I tell facts, not stories.  And I pray that in this process of healing that we can find a way to bridge a relationship with her father, even with the fact that he is the one who ended our marriage.

And yet what blessing I have gained by reading these stories is a sense of the fact that even if I had kept striving to be the person that God wants me to be...  It might never have been enough for my husband, who is to this day most likely still convinced that a story told when he was in the third grade is still sending him to hell.  Instead of reaching out to God, who would love, cherish, and accept him. And while I will struggle with the changes that the end of a marriage brings...  I also struggle with the fact that forever has been thrown away.  And yet I still need a peace of what is acceptable to come.  I took the fact of forever to heart... and wonder what becomes of a women who's husband just throws her away.

It's ALIVE!!!

Today has been an interesting day... We were headed to the back of the house to sort thru things that we needed, and/or were mine.  And we get to the dining room.  And there is our cat Port... meowing and pacing.  Then I look down and see what has gotten her in such a tizzy.

There is a dead chipmunk laying on the carpet.  And Port is trying to figure out how to eat it...  Okay not the best action to find in a day.  So, in the spirit of I don't want to clean up chipmunk guts off the carpet...  "Chippy" needs to get out of the house.

Well... we found something to pick up the dead animal with.  And then I started the removal process... And we got a shock.  Up jumped "Chippy" and tore towards our door.  With some closed doors, and some herding we managed to get a slightly scared and injured chipmunk to run outside.  

Let's just say that we had a learning curve today... on what is really dead and what is still alive.  And that chipmunk played dead so well it scared us both.

Do I have value?

In the past few days we have been talking about damaged goods and even grace.  We have even talked about what it means to be religious.  And yet in the midst of all this, I am finding a question that is surfacing again.  Do I have value?

So, for some reason today I went to look up the definition to value... Merriam-Webster.  And it surprised me that most of the definition of value is related to money.  Or into rating something.  It was only in the end that it related to usefulness.  And then the synonyms caught my eye... appreciate, cherish, prize, treasure, love.  I found this interesting.  Mostly because we tend to treasure money.  And yet in my mind money is a necessary evil.  And in a world where we tend to place more worth on what we have and what we desire.  But then it makes me wonder if I am desired...

I am trying to understand this...

If you were to ask the man I married so many years ago... You would see that I only have the value to set him free of me, and allow him to move forward in his life, without me.

If you were to ask our child... I have great value in the simple fact that I am her mother.  And she is a blessing to me, granted by God.  And I have even more value to her when root beer floats are on the table.

If you were to ask my family...  I am a failure.  And that is from the ones still living.  And I am wishing I knew the answer of value in those of my family who are gone.  Yet messaging to heaven isn't working the way to allow us to know those who are gone.  Yes, we still can hear God.

And yet, I am trying to understand.  And that is a challenge for me, because I still see myself as damaged.  And yet in the midst of my doubt, I am seeing a light.  And finding that light would seem like an accident to most people.  Because the light was found in a manner when I didn't even know I was looking for it.  

A year ago, after having spent some wonderful time with my baby at church camp, and a music festival... my mother felt abandoned.  And in that process my mother made a choice, like she had done so often in my past...  And that choice was that we needed to go.  She wouldn't allow me to sacrifice my relationship with baby at the expense of helping others.  And yet it was my relationship with my baby that was focused on during that time.

So we packed up and went back into shelter... and that also sent us on a path that took us thru the doors of another church, since I didn't want to drive back to what was then our home church.  And then our pastor, gave us a direction.  And given that where we were there are four churches in the denomination.  So, on Sunday Morning afraid to be late...  I got to church early.  So early that we brought our breakfast with us, because I was afraid if we ate first I would have a sick child.  And that would mean spare clothes, and more thought than I could bear that morning.

Arriving early I was surprised to have found the door open.  And as quiet as we could, we looked around to find a safe place to sit and wait until church started.  And we were just getting settled and thinking about breakfast, and all of a sudden we were greeted by someone.  And at that point, just the fact that a man was talking to us seemed to send my heart looking for an exit.  And yet a part of me was paralyzed.  And yet even in that first meeting... I saw love.

Here was someone that I didn't know, who didn't yell or scream that we were early for church.  Okay he seemed a bit surprised.  And was trying to figure out why or what we were going to do with the time that we had to wait until church started.  And he was even more surprised to find out that we were going to eat peanut butter crackers for breakfast.  And somehow he convinced us to come with him and he took us to eat breakfast.  He didn't stay, but took us to the place and paid for our breakfast.  And I think that I gave in because of my baby.  And because I also think I was not going to win in this argument that morning.  It is hard to argue against kindness and love.

So that morning, at a point where I felt so damaged...  there we were eating chocolate chip pancakes with bacon... and all I could do is wonder why someone would want to make me feel special. 

And yet that day... I began to see in other ways where I was being served.  My baby was convinced that she wanted to go to Children's Church.  And for some reason... off she went.  And there I was left standing.  I felt like a lost child, because I was so use to being in church with my baby.  And then I felt like I was seeing someone I knew.  And yet in many ways...  I couldn't put a finger on how or where I knew her from.  In the end she broke the ice, and reminded me that she meet me at church camp.  And then I was taken in hand... 

In the course of the summer... I went back to help my mother.  And yet the pull towards that church was so strong, that by the fall I became a member.  And in the process I was encouraged to talk to that man who had that first day shown us love.  The funny of it is he is my pastor.  And over this past year he has been the person who has shown me that I have value.  In many ways... while I can see my value in his treatment of me... I struggle to see it in myself.  I ask myself how when I am damaged in so many ways can I have value?  I can't hold a job... I can raise my baby, but that won't last forever...  And I write.

I spend hours writing e-mails to my pastor.  And then can still write here and pour out my soul... wondering if it means that I have value.  And while I have faith.  Faith that God works all things for good...  I struggle so hard to understand what is to come.  And yet I must trust.  And for now, it helps to have someone to share my struggles and give a voice to all that I have seen and lived thru.  And in this process I may not yet understand my value, but the past is not haunting me in my sleep.

Boxes to Trust

4. SHARE IT ~ Do you have a story or testimony of going From Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace or From Religious to Grace-Covered?

 I am starting to feel like I am currently in the on-going process of leaving behind me as "Damaged Goods", and yet a big part of this process is trying to see myself as a "Trophy of Grace". 

In my life that image of damaged started when I was small.  I felt like I ruined my mother's life just by being born.  And yet I also faced a great deal of drama from choices of others about my life.  I became aware of this at a point where I felt damaged enough and had my cousin inform my parents that I had been the first that her father had chosen to sleep with.  I struggled already with a feeling that I was a mistake and that my life didn't matter.  I found that I couldn't sleep and was living almost two lives.  During my time at home I was bubbly and cheery, yet at school the reality of my feelings were hard to contain.  And I learned to live in a world of my own design. 

That world was full of rules... If I had an expectation of what needed to happen, I made it happen.  It was an attempt to bury the pain I was feeling, and striving to be perfect for my mother and family.  But the perfection was not just that... It was also for God.  Somewhere I had learned that enough sacrifice and adjustment would be enough to make up for all the mistakes.  And the mistakes were all inside me.  Locked away in boxes along with all the details, and the emotions that were being buried.  I knew I had to grow up, and I thought that growing up was showing an ability to not have things phase me.

Honestly this roller coaster is one that I still struggle with.  It took walking out the door on my husband to save our baby...  for me to start down the path to learn how God sees me.  And even at that... It was two years after he tried to kill me that God put me on the path that I could start to see change.

You see, in my world I strove to perfection even with my marriage in a mess.  Being sued for divorce was not something that I had to face, because I was still married to him regardless of paperwork in a court system.  And that perfection also was such a part of my life that even how I was raising my daughter, her behavior or lack of mattered.  And my need to control everything was growing.  And yet in many ways that need to control also is what drew me to the person whom I found trust.

That trust is something that in my damaged life is rare.  And in my mind I still wonder why with all the pain as a child, and then as an adult in domestic violence... Why I in the end was lead to trust my pastor, who is a man.  And yet I have been shown that I have value by him.  And sometimes in simple actions, like stopping to listen to me...  and listening without judgement and interruption.  In this process thru his actions, I am starting to understand much better how God sees me.  And while I would love to say that this past year has brought me thru all of my past...  I am still a work in progress.  Each layer of damage that we deal with in talking and scripture, brings me to another level of pain that I have buried.  And yet in this process... I now have feelings instead of boxes...  I feel safe to share things that at times I don't have words for, and find understanding.  And a feeling of safety and encouragement to walk thru the damage to find and understand what being a "Trophy of Grace".  

One part of this whole process that surprises me is a willingness to just listen on his part.  And to allow me to talk to work thru each step... which sometimes leads to many e-mails and at other times, it has lead to him putting his schedule on hold.  And his words are this is where I need to be right now.  And without that ability to shower me with an unconditional love and understanding... I fear that I would still be focused on my lacks to the point of stress.  And now when those feelings and fears come up, I have a place where I can talk about them and remain safe... and learn how God sees me instead of the world.

A journey to Grace

3. WRITE IT ~ Choose one of the following writing prompts from Chapters 3 & 4 and share something from your heart relating to our study: Spiritual GPS, Deceived Into Doubting, Image Bearer, Humility, The God Without Limits, Marinate on That!

Honestly, the one thing that stands out to me this week has been the fact that I have been taken in to my church.  And it wasn't a church that I sought out.  You see, I had moved in with my mother... and went to the church in town of the denomination.  And in many ways over the course of that first 6 months I felt that I didn't belong.  But then at the same time I felt that I didn't belong at home with my mother.  In many ways, I felt like a failure that myself and my child had been forced to move in with my mother, but she swore she needed us.

And in the course of a week during that summer, things started to change.  Granted they were starting to change in small ways before that week...  But that week was just different.  My mother in her normal change her mood and desires on a whim, made the choice that we needed to move out of the house.  She couldn't be bothered with me at all.  I was running around apparently like a teenager and ignoring my daughter.  The funny of it was, the first issue was the days we spent at church camp together.  And then the days that we spent at a Christian Music Festival.  You see my mother thought I was volunteering to work at these events and ignoring my daughter.  And yet the whole focus of these times was to focus on my daughter...  just the thing I was told I wasn't doing.

And then in normal form for the number of times in my life my mother had thrown me out, disowned me, and whatever else she could think of doing...  I packed up what little we needed and drove away.  I honestly didn't know where we were going to go, but I was bound and determined that we were not going to move in with my friends who were renting my house to keep it afloat.  That is what my mother wanted from me... to show that I loved my friends more than her.  And in order to prove my mother wrong... I wound up back in shelter with my daughter a short drive from where my mother was.

In the end, I came back to my mother.  It just felt what God was asking of me.  And yet in those days away...  I found something I had only dreamed about finding.  A church.  

The search for the new church, started with a lack of gas to make it back to the one we were attending.  And then I did a search on the church's website to find out there were four of our denomination in town.  That is not uncommon in the state, it was dependent on population, and currently the ability to maintain the churches.  And I couldn't begin to figure out which one to attend on Sunday.  So, I asked my current pastor, where he would suggest that I go.  

In a lack of knowing the pastors where I was living.  He  sought out information from other pastors he knew.  And then for some reason sent me to Grace.  And honestly I would not have known what a longer term change that was to start in me. 

I had started talking to my pastor and that was the one thing that seemed odd, because I don't tend to trust anyone.  And yet, I took a step to trust my pastor, and we got up that Sunday morning and got ready to go to church at Grace.  And with my nervousness in life, we left early.  Actually very early.  I wanted to make sure that we found a corner to sit in.  And that I was able to find the church.  I was so sure that I was going to spend hours going in circles seeking the church.  And the funny part was the church was so easy to find. 

We found our way inside Grace and then found a place to sit.  We were just reaching a point where we were going to start to eat our breakfast.  And then we were found.  Someone approached us to say hello.  And to let me know just how early we were.  I was aware of that and was just matter of fact that we were planning on eating breakfast.  And pulled out peanut butter crackers. 

And then something happened that I still am in shock over.  My daughter and I were taken out to breakfast.  I can still remember the feeling of shock & yet the feeling of being accepted.  That morning chocolate chip pancakes and bacon was the best food I think I had.  And I am still trying to figure out almost a year later how to return the kindness.

That started a feeling of belonging, not just that thought.  When we got back to church after breakfast...  I ran into one of the people we had meet at church camp.   And she was just the right person to take me along to find a different set of seats and to start to introduce us to some people.  And our day was completed by being taken out to  lunch.  And finding a friend... and so much more.

Come the fall, I took the steps to transfer my membership to Grace.  And part of that process is standing up in front of the church.   And that there I had to make a profession of faith and express my desire to join Grace.  And standing up there, alone... I took the steps and then was enveloped by arms.  And told that I was home.  Home... that was something I had been seeking for so long. 

That step... changed me.  And over time I started to trust my pastor.  Something I am not sure I can explain.  He has listened and listened.  He at times is just willing to listen as I talk.  And has patiently read probably 100's of e-mails that have been written when I have felt like the world was falling apart around me.  This ability to listen and yet to make me rethink has helped so much.

This belonging to Grace has seen me thru my daughter in the hospital, followed by my mother in the hospital.  To then see my mother back in the hospital... then to a home.  And now thru her death.  And yet still exists to see us as we start to move forward in life... to find what is beyond my past.  And yet there is a person who will listen to me...  Someone who I feel honestly cares.  And the knowing that chances are they will always care.  And not just because it is his job...  because he is called to it from inside.  And that calling has changed me. 

It has given me a place to sort thru all that I have held onto.  It has given me a safe place to share all the things that I have hidden in my heart.  And the more I have talked and shared with my pastor... the better I have slept.  And my mind has started to slow down so that I can feel like I can breathe.  And maybe I have found a home...  because currently despite the realization that we have to move out of my mother's house...  I don't feel drawn away from Grace, but towards it.  Like there is still a purpose for my being there.  And all I can say is that I look forward to the discovery of what it to come.

A Daisy no more...

Who would have thought that these past two years would disappear so quickly and in many ways end in one night.  And yet tonight they did just that.  I stood by and watched my munchkin take her first steps away from me, in a good way.  And I couldn't have been more proud of all she has accomplished in these two years.

Two years ago, she was welcomed into the Daisy Flower Garden.  And started a journey to learn the Girl Scout Promise and Law.  And as that journey continued, she learned so much more.  She learned about her family heritage, how to take care of herself, how to care for our world.  And most importantly that she as a Daisy belonged to an exclusive club.  The ongoing joke about this is any girl can join this club, but few do.  And fewer still continue on the journey to the end.  And yet here she is having stuck with it for two whole years...  And she has made friends, and even learned a little bit about taking the lead in a group.  While she is not at the end of her journey as a Girl Scout, she is at the end of her Daisy career.  It is a short time in the big picture, but it has given her many good memories to hold onto. 

Let's see... 
we grew flowers
we traced ourselves
we played games
we learned songs
we camped in the science center
we learned all that goes into making 
     a Girl Scout
we did crafts
and above all... we earned every single thing that she could right along with her friends.

So, my daughter and her troop mates have taken a step forward that will be seen each year beyond.  They with lots of giggles and learning new things managed to reach the summit of their Daisy career, and all three girls who bridged out earned the Journey Summit Pin.  A recognition that they will get to wear thru the rest of their Girl Scout years as a girl.  And as a mother I couldn't be prouder, but then I wore two hats in this... I was also their leader.  

And having grown up in Girl Scouts, I wanted these girls to have a good foundation for the years to come.  And deep down I think that they do.  And the realization of that is the fact that my munchkin walked away from her Daisy Troop... and in correct form spoke the Girl Scout Promise and was welcomed out of the Daisy Flower Garden and into the magical world of Brownies.  A new world of wonders that can only be found within the Brownie circle...  And a time that I need to cherish, because I am starting to realize that it will pass all too quickly.  And yet, now that she is in a part from my years as a Girl Scout... It opens a window to teach her the very things that my mother took the time to teach me.  And as she enjoys her time in the circle, she will start to take more of a leadership role... with the goal being that in the end she will with her troop mates only need an adviser along the path.

Yet it makes me kinda sad that this year of fun is past.  And while I know I have many more years to look forward to... my baby is learning the skills she will need to respond to the calling that God has in her life.  And at some point she will leave my house, but she will never leave my heart.  I will always be there for her to listen to her and cheer her on.  At least as long as God gives me breathe.  I am thankful for these past two years with her in the Daisy Flower Garden... and am looking forward to the ones ahead in the Brownie Circle.