Remembering the year...

Remembering the year... on https://www.facebook.com/Hope4Jessica

Maintaining a page I have learned can take a lot of work. Especially when you are also trying to balance a life. Kinda funny that the way this started was to educate others, and yet I am the one learning more and more from this task.

The other day I think I was shocked at my mother for stating that she thinks my husband would not recognize me at all now. I asked her why... Her response was two things. My hair and I smile. Yes for the second time since he went to jail I cut off all my hair... but the smile caught me. I guess when we were still living together it became a balance of trying to please him and with that my smile went away. And yet I have always been a very serious person. So I guess her thoughts surprised me.

Living with my husband was a lot of work. And while there were times that I know we were happy. I have to admit that he pulled us both down. His need to have things done his way... and not compromise... but in many ways I thought I was doing the right thing. And yet now I am the one picking up pieces. And he is still sitting in jail. And now he will be sitting in jail longer.

I still have this desire to learn what is going on in his life. How is he doing in jail? What mistakes is he making to keep himself there? Because at this point in the process I have removed all my objections for his release. I have finally started to reach a point where I am aware that despite my feelings I am going to have to deal with him, in some form, until I die. And yet I am not wearing blinders on this process, because he will have to prove a lot more to me than just the fact that he served time. And I will do everything in my power to protect our child. So... I was preparing for his release to learn it will be months before he will be considered for parole... and it leaves me wondering why....

And yet I may never know...

#abuse  #survivor  #domesticviolence

Friendships...

I meet someone who stands a chance of becoming a friend. And the funny is that in the world of domestic violence, people would assume that the friendship is so much more than that. People forget that two people can just be friends. Well the interesting thing is that the friend is female and she is happily married. And honestly it is just a good thing to have a friend. You know someone who you can convince to go out and see a movie or catch a meal with... or just talk to and pray with and for.

And that new friend said that to help others i what helps us heal... And those words are so important to me right now. You see as of late I have been feeling very hurt from people who I have thought were my friend... people that are currently confusing me. And in many ways it has created a question in my mind of the risk of friends in this journey. And if people I am trying to help are really being helped or if I am just a person who has sucker written on their forehead. And letting people take from me what little I have left to offer.

And yet these words that I heard tonight are something that I pray is true. I am hoping that maybe in the fact that I am starting to again be willing to step out of the cocoon that I tend to withdrawal into. And that maybe just maybe I will be guided by God for what is next... And maybe I will be able to make it clear that friendships can just be that... friendships. And that a victim of domestic violence isn't just jumping from bed to bed in the hopes of a greater prize... We are people who are being hurt by the one we love. And we know that we do not need to put up with that kind of hurt anymore!

#friendship  #abuse  #love

Peace?

I am trying to find peace. And yet this is not the easiest thing to do. Because in trying to find rest... I am isolating myself. I am trying to find a way to trust. And yet I want to just snuggle under the covers and hide. And yet that is not going to attempt to resolve what is going on. You see I can't hide forever. I have to face & deal with the world.
And I just know that I need to trust. But yet that is the hardest thing. Trust...
So what do you do to earn trust of others?

Faithful... For What?

I know that all I am suppose to be is faithful. And I have been faithfully sharing the ups and downs of life after leaving a violent partner. And yet as we are fast approaching the end of year two... I think I thought things would be so much better. That I would have enough to provide for my child. That we would be in a place of our own. And yet none of those things have happened. Many of the people who's lives I have crossed in my journey are doing so much better and at least are living in a place that they can call home. And today is an especially hard day for me.

Many years ago it was today that I lost my grandfather. My silent stronghold of faith. His faith was in his every breathe. And it wasn't something that he rubbed into people. He simply just lived it. Always willing to lend a hand. And always willing to forgive his granddaughter for whatever she managed to get into. And yet when I talk about him and the wonderful memories... I find that others in my life seem to think I am looking at them thru the wrong set of eyes.

You see... I remember him reading to me. Sitting down with me and watching the news... or something else. And just allowing me to tag along on all his errands and chores. I can even remember him not even complaining when the branches of the weeping willow fell and made mowing the lawn harder. And his heart being so full of love... Love that despite his manners I could seem to melt them away and find him. A real treasure and a friend. And yet my mother wants to take away the memories by saying he couldn't read... By saying he never showed love. I just think she wasn't quiet enough to notice the way he showed love. And that she was looking for something very different than I was. And yet on a day like today... when his death is still so fresh in my mind... I find I would rather be alone. And rejoice in the love that I knew he had for me... and the joy that I would see in his eyes if he had ever lived to see my baby.

Which is bringing me to the question... How do you show love? I have been learning that we all show love in different ways. And that not all of us use the same language. You see my language is a quiet one... the person in the background who will listen and guide. While others are full of words and actions. And when the language you use doesn't meet with the language the person is seeking... Messages can get mixed up.

So as we approach this holiday season where we are to celebrate the birth of love in our lives... Stop and take a look at what you think is important. See if what you think is important is important to those around you that you love. And if they don't match... Take a step back and see what language those dear to you are seeking... and try to take some steps towards that language, until you both meet somewhere in the middle and create your own personal love language with that person.

#love  #rethinkchristmas

Advent Flying By...

Advent has been going faster than I want it to. And yet I am glad for the chance to focus on God. And yet it always seems to bring memories of loss. You see it marks another year without those we love. And it is not just those who we have lost to death. Though we are all touched by this in many ways. Death of a parent. Death of a child. And even death of friends and extended family. And yet the death that I am feeling most clearly now is the death of my marriage. The death of the relationships with the extended family I married into.

You see with Domestic Violence the process of having safety is not as easy as people would like to think. And while I walked out for my safety... that simple choice started a process of death. Not all marriages end in death. Hope does exist that an abuser can change. Yet I haven't seen that yet. My path started with the finding a safe place. And then each step that was necessary to protect myself and my baby brought a new level of death.

The first part was the fact that it headed to a place where communication was cut off between myself and my husband. And a deep desire for him to seek the help that he needs in the hope of saving a marriage. And then a choice that he made brought a new death. He chose to abandon our marriage... and served me for divorce. And sadly while he is still living... it is every much as real as when a spouse dies. And the heartbreaking is just as painful.

And at this Advent we are heading towards two years. Two years without a simple conversation. Two years without the joy of waking up and being near each other. And yet also two years of waking up alone and realizing that it is over. And while I struggle with the ability to provide... I understand that the covenant that I entered into is slipping away. There is not much I can do, or even think to do in order to diminish the pain that I feel or even the time to seek how this is going to change me forever.

And while I am attempting to be the strong together parent. It is hard. Things just are not easy... and yet in this passage of time I need to learn to trust God... And while I do, sometimes the fears take control and create inside me questions... Questions of how to move forward... How to explain things to my baby. And yet in this past few days... I have stumbled onto a realization that makes me want to cry. And that realization that in regards to things... I will never be able to do what others can for her. I can love her... I can teach her about God and even the world... But the lack of stability and funds that leaving and being served for divorce has created means that simple requests for items requires great planning. And something as simple as needing gas funds to go to an appointment or even to church can seem like an unscalable mountain.

And people keep asking what they can do to help... But what really can you do... First is to pray. Not just for me, my baby, and what we are facing... but also for ways to make ends meet and still have a little bit left over to do some fun things. And second is if you really want to help with the funding... Do it in a way that makes the victim of the violence hold onto a sense of pride... So the things that you can do that you don't share you are doing really are the best. Funding is best when it is done without me knowing who is helping. Because while I know I need the help... I don't desire pity. I want to be seen as a strong provider who is breaking out of the cycle of abuse... Not as a project that needs handouts... I like you want to give... not just of my time, but my limited funds. And helping to keep me feeling like in a world where my life is spiraling out of control that there are still some things that I might just have a level of control.

So offer hugs... Offer a listening ear... Offer what help you can... but if you feel like you want to help with funds... Do it in a manner that is quiet and not giving yourself great attention. Know that the victim/survivor will be thankful... and you will have removed the stumbling block of the desire to repay what help was given. And it will free them to be able to pay it forward...

#abuse  #domesticviolence  #rethinkchurch  #Advent  #death

Advent Photo-A-Day

I am working thru this Advent Photo-A-Day, and it is really challenging me to think not just in the now, but also thru the eyes of living in abuse. It has been really eye opening. You see since I tend to see the world in black and white... this is really helping me to see some gray. And also giving me some pictures that explain the feelings that we tend to bury. Like today with delight... it is the simple things that make us happy. And while they might seem childish to you. They are just the way it becomes.

And it also makes me realize why what I have been given is something that I hold onto so much. And what it is would surprise you. It is not something that cost a great deal of money. It is a blanket. It is something to hold close to me. It has given me something to wrap myself in when I am feeling lonely. And it also includes the fact that I have a stuffed friend. Someone who I know will hold my secrets and help me to sort thru life without running a commentary back. Simple things... and yet they are dear.

And it brings me to the thought of how simple do you think about Christmas? Are you able to think about it in terms of relationships, instead of in gifts? Is it possible to #rethinkchurch or even #rethinkchristmas and reach out with the simple things in life?

Sickness abounds...

This has been an interesting week. I have been so focused on things and people who are sick. And I wish I could say that I am talking about sick in the mind. Alas I am not. I am talking about things that are broken and in need of fixing. And really being sick, physically. And while it has put a damper on the holiday planning... It has given me and others a much needed rest. And yet it has added a level of stress in my life. One that started with the fact that my car gave me problems. And it has spent time away from me. And with the illnesses... time has been spent in the hospital.

And yet... I just wish that things could have been easier. Honestly things are a struggle because of money. And this is the first time I have really seen this level of problem. Being a single parent with only a minimum income has its own challenges. It becomes harder when your child is sick and you are facing them.

Thankfully, God has found a way to provide for our needs. Now just to keep walking forward...