Smart Phone Safety
This is a start in a direction of safety that I
find good and bad. It will be nice to be able to know my child is
safe, but it is bad in the fact that we are getting more and more
monitored and how is that to help us stay safe from those who want to
hurt us.
Change...
That is always something that is not far from my mind. Change is
necessary, but I have found it is harder than it use to be because of
the fact that I also have to think about protecting myself. You see
having walked out and been able to move on in many cases... you start to
realize how many places that you need to explain things to protect
yourself from being tracked down. I wish I could say that fear never goes away.... but for me it is still there and strong.
There are some easy things to do to help the process.... You can make a
choice not to have a cell phone number where you actually live and see
how far away you can get your number. We live in a world where calling
doesn't cost much more to next door as it does to California... of
Maine. And yet it is a simple thing people do not think about.
The other thing that I have been working on lately is faith. Leaving
was a bit easier for me because I had a community beyond my abuser by
the simple fact that I took our child to church. And while that
community was not capable of supporting us financially, and it was not
something I expected... They were there to support us in ways much more
valuable than money. Listening ears... Hugs... And believe it or not...
HARD Questions.
You see my church has seen me at my worse.
They didn't know how to react... what to say... but in this writing of
the challenges that I have faced and continue to face I pray they start
to see how simple it is to change Domestic Violence one name at a time.
It wasn't someone telling me to leave that made it happen. It was
people opening up their hearts and asking me how my heart was really
doing...
And now... I will be taking a step of faith that I
thought I had done so many years ago... And joining the church. I am
taking the step to belong to the umbrella that has helped to protect me
during these hard times... And even stepped out in faith to get us milk
when I could find no other way. The people who have challenged me to
think outside the box on ways to earn money to make ends meet. And
while it is a huge change... In many ways it is a small step. Because
all it means is that my heart belongs with the other hearts around me...
because the church is not a building!!! The church is the hearts of
people who feel the love of God and want to share that love with the
world... One small step at a time. Makes you stop and think about what
small step you might take each day next week that could have a lasting
impact that you might never realize...
I
seem to be headed in about 10 different directions lately. In the
process of joining a church. In the process of dabbling with writing
again. In the process of raising a child. And that list can go on and
on. The funny thing today is I was asked what I am good at. And you
know what I don't know one thing that I am good at. I asked my mother
who said cutting quilt squares... and my thought was there is not much need for that in church. And that made me realize that I really don't have anything I am good at.
At one point I must have been okay at somethings since I held a job
down. But I guess all the years of marriage have taken away what I was
good at... and in many ways who I am. It kinda scares me because one of
the things I am starting in the different directions is a bible study
on A Confident Heart. This should be interesting. And yet I do not
know what I want to accomplish in this study. I honestly have not given
it a great deal of thought as to what I want to learn. I guess it is
just an accomplishment that I am taking the step forward in faith to
actually do the study. Time will tell what God wants me to learn....
I
have been struggling for this past weekend. I have struggled with this
world around me with what seems like high school drama. And people
seeming to think that I can lie. And it baffles me when people get to
know me, they realize that I do not lie. I find it too hard to lie.
So, I have just always told the truth. It is something that I learned
to do as I grew up... Truth was more valuable than hiding anything. And yet this seems to be a hard concept to a handful of people around me to understand.
It has been hard enough that my heart feels like it has been cut. Like
the desire of their behavior has been to mortally wound my heart. And
since it is already so hard to trust. These games are making it worse.
And I am sure that they don't think they are playing games. That they
think that I am trying to hurt them. But I am not. I have spent a
great deal of time in prayer over the past few months. It started as a
means to control anxiety attacks. And it lead to the fact of my having
to address something that I have been running away from. I have to deal
with the question of forgiveness. Forgiveness of the one person I have
not wanted to forgive. And yet it is something I have had to address.
But for now... I am going to leave it at forgiveness. Because it is a
process. And ask you to stop and think of someone who you have avoided
forgiving... And exactly why...
"I
was at the computer one day, my Siamese cat was sleeping on the bed.
After sitting there a few moments, the cat got up and jumped into my
lap, expecting me to pet him. I obliged a few moments, then turned back
to writing. The cat was not impressed (they never really are, you know).
The cat turned and rubbed his head against my chest, and nestled up
closely insisting that I wasn’t done scratching
his fur until he decided I was done. Of course, as the obedient house
guest I am, I stroked his fur until he was content to go back to his
domain, part of which he allowed me to occupy a bit longer. I was struck
by something about cats that divorcing people can benefit from
emulating.
My cat had the courage to come express his need for
caring, and did not give up until his need was met. Sometimes when we
are struggling in divorce, we need to have the courage to express that
we are in need of something, to just ask for help. Or for love. Or
whatever assistance we need. Even Paul asked for help! I remember a
friend who realized in the middle of the day that she hadn’t fed her
toddlers, and yet didn’t feel she had the strength to do so. She called a
family member and asked if that person would mind coming over and
making something for the toddlers to eat. Sometimes those who care for
us want to help and be supportive, but don’t know exactly how. A request
like that gives them the opportunity to express concern in appropriate
ways. Sometimes it may be simply telling a good friend, “You know, I
could sure use a hug today.”
A friend of mine once said: “If
you believe that it is more blessed to give than receive, then if you
don’t let me give of myself, you are robbing me of a blessing!!” So
don’t let those who care for YOU get cheated out of a blessing, just
because you are hesitant (or maybe too proud) to ask for help. "
I found this study on-line... And it made me think... It is called Seasons of Divorce.
I
hate the point in a day when I feel this great need to talk. And no one
else is awake. It creates in me a great flood of emotions that just
feel like they are flooding my insides with no way to escape. And I
wonder which way to go, because though I see some paths ahead they are
all filled with a grey smoke. And it is so dense that I can't see but a
few inches in front of me. And yet I feel so
alone. Like the world is turning its back on me. And the smoke
threatens to engulf me. Leaving me to feel like I am struggling for
each breathe.
I continue to seek guidance. To seek God. And
yet I seem to always miss seeing the face of God in the midst of the
crowds around me. It seems like God is blessing all those around me.
And that the flood waters are beginning to engulf my whole body.
They say that time heals all wounds, but when do we start to feel whole
again? When do we stop looking over our shoulders for our abuser to
find us? When do we find peace?
