Prideful Feelings

I know it is a prideful feeling, but there is a part of me that wonders who is reading this. I really don't want to know, but at times I just wonder. I wonder if what I am saying is helping someone else find a path to freedom, or just making people feel sorry for me. And I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I made choices along the way in this relationship. It can never be blamed on just one half of a relationship. I choose to live out his dreams in the bedroom, even when doing so felt wrong and made me sick at my stomach. I choose not to fight his desire to look for someone else to bring in, even though I fought the actual bringing them in by never finding the right fit. There are lots of ways that I am to blame, and yet the hardest part is not the owning the blame. It is the forgiving myself for the part I played in this cycle of violence. I did not deserve anything that happened to me, but I also didn't work to find a way to freedom. In many ways I lost my hope. And now finding hope is starting to become a daily rite of passage. One that the ocean can not wash away.