Moving Forward?

One would think that moving forward was easy. It might be if the world didn't revolve around having things like the funds to move, pay bills, etc. I don't value money in the same way as most people do. And I am finding the fact that I can live on almost nothing to be a small problem now... When people want a great deal of money to help you out. When did things get to be so expensive? When did others have to have more than they needed so they started to charge others more and more, making it impossible to live with the bare needs that we are suppose to have. I know it is wonderful to get a new items that just came on the market... But since it has become a need for people other things have been priced out of reach. I can see the divide more clearly now between the people who have and those who do not have. And then there are those that have so much they use it to try to influence others. And I realize that people have to have so much that they forget that we should help our community grow beyond the level that exists. And that we should help people who want to help themselves out of where they are. A wife shouldn't be left with nothing because her husband chooses to walk away and divorce her... And a child should never have to worry about where they will find food... And yet these problems still exist for too many women and children. And more importantly for those who have suffered abuse at the hands of there spouse.

Money?

It is amazing how much in our world boils down to having money. We live in a world that one should be able to find free legal help. And yet that exists mostly for criminals. Those of us who are struggling still find that more doors close than are opened. And finding help thru the path of fighting amendments to an existing PFA, Divorce, and even Custody is near impossible without money. And one would think that you might find somewhere that would be able to do it for free. Or even to help by loaning you the funds. And yet every call I make seems to lead to no where. So... I find that searching the phone book makes the most sense and praying that it doesn't cost me everything that I earn. And that makes me worry. I know we should not fear the future and the new freedom that we have found in escaping abuse. And yet... It is all so easy to travel down a road of panic. Wondering how this new freedom is going to survive without enough money to take care of all the things that this freedom seems to cost. And yet a part of me knows that it will happen. I do not know how. I just know that it must and that I must do my best to protect my child. It isn't just about what I want. It is more about what she wants and needs. And if she doesn't want to see her father and his family. Then I must make sure that she gets what she wants. And that she feels safe. And in a world where she has experienced more than any child should... It is hard.

And yet I dream of a time where women facing these same questions and expenses will find the finances to fight for their safety and that of their children and not worry about the cost. And find that all they truly need will be provided. And they will be able to focus on what matters most. And be able to move forward with a sense of peace in their hearts.

One Year?

Can a year really have passed since I got the second PFA (Protection from Abuse Order)? I sometimes wonder where he is and what he is doing. It isn't this need to know, but it is out of the love for him that I still carry in my heart. A person may change into someone you would wish you never knew, but that doesn't change the feelings that you carried with you since the day you got married. And it hurts so much still that I needed that level of protect. When I thought of happily ever after, I never thought I would be plagued with problems like this. This is not the fairytale ending that I signed up for. I should be planning my tenth wedding anniversary, not watching my marriage to my prince charming fall apart due to abuse. It is hard to let love go once you have found it, but I am slowly learning that love is work and not something magical that a wand can fix. If that could be, time would turn back and take every ounce of abuse out of our marriage and make it our own happily ever after.

Prideful Feelings

I know it is a prideful feeling, but there is a part of me that wonders who is reading this. I really don't want to know, but at times I just wonder. I wonder if what I am saying is helping someone else find a path to freedom, or just making people feel sorry for me. And I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I made choices along the way in this relationship. It can never be blamed on just one half of a relationship. I choose to live out his dreams in the bedroom, even when doing so felt wrong and made me sick at my stomach. I choose not to fight his desire to look for someone else to bring in, even though I fought the actual bringing them in by never finding the right fit. There are lots of ways that I am to blame, and yet the hardest part is not the owning the blame. It is the forgiving myself for the part I played in this cycle of violence. I did not deserve anything that happened to me, but I also didn't work to find a way to freedom. In many ways I lost my hope. And now finding hope is starting to become a daily rite of passage. One that the ocean can not wash away.

A Bedtime Prayer

God whispers to us in our hearts
do not fear for I am here
and I love you my dear.
So close your eyes
and sleep tight
and tomorrow will be bright.
All is well dear child,
Goodnight!