Worth?

What are we worth?  And what does worth even mean?  I am struggling with this all inside of my mind... so what do I do... Look up the definition of worth...

The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable (From the thefreedictionary.com)

So what is the quality that renders me desirable?  

This has been an ongoing question in my mind lately.  And honestly my answer is the only thing that renders me desirable is my faith.  Without my faith, I am not sure of what I would be.  I can see so much wrong that I have been a part of in my life...  I am constantly reminded of each and every one of these choices that created pain in my life.  And many times, I have had no say in those choices.  Most people think that it is a person who chooses to bring harm and sin into their life, and yet in so many places and instances it is an outside force that bring them harm...

In my life that first harm came to me in the dark of night...  Asleep in my bed, awoken by someone who should have cherished me as a child, made the choice to teach me about a world of adults.  It was at the age of 5, when I thought that I could do anything that I learned harm.  Like so many others... I thought it made me special... chosen.  Not that I could understand that what was happening was wrong.  To me, those  moments on fleeting nights I believed gave me worth.  They made me feel like a princess, and yet I was not allowed to share what exactly gave me my worth.  Though that idea began to crumble when I was a freshman in high school...  That was when I learned that I was not alone in being special.  And yet many years later, I faced the fact that it is believed that I only got what I was asking for.  Yet, how did I ask for this introduction at the age of 5?

When I found out that I wasn't alone in being chosen to be added to a marriage... I lost my sense of worth.  And yet I knew that I was suppose to protect myself for marriage...  but I had already been married... and discarded.  What worth would I have to anyone in the future?  

As of late... many years later... facing a failing marriage again... these questions are being raised.  And yet, I can begin to understand that at age 5 I didn't make a choice for harm.  That choice was made by others around me.  And yet I prayed to God to make me invisible...  to keep me safe from that harm.  And each time, though I felt special, I also felt dirty and used.  

I may not have explained my worth to you as of yet...  but I hope I have given you an example of something that no one could ask for as a child...