I can remember the magic of my wedding. I can remember the fact that we took vows, till death do us part. And when I walked out the door of the church into the rain storm that had come, thinking of the blessing that God was giving to our union, I would have never thought that death might be possible before old age.
You see, I took the vows before God very seriously. I had my priorities in order. We were married, we would own a house, and then we would have children. Yet, despite all of my order in my life, I found that things were not in order.
Within weeks of our wedding, my husband began to have panic attacks. These panic attacks drove us into a level of isolation. And yet, I was the perfect wife... I never once complained. I took over all the things we use to do together. It was me working, and then heading to the store to shop for groceries. In time the isolation grew and I found that our friends were only occasionally calling and I couldn't remember the last time I saw them.
We made the choice after some time to live with my parents. My father was sick, and my mother needed the help with him. While we had moved much closer to our friends, we still rarely saw them. And with the demands of my mother, I found that I lost even more friends. I am still not quite sure how, but in a short period of time I had no friends of my own... every friend that was left was my husband's.
We did start looking for our house and property with my parents. The plan and order was that we would live in the house on the property and they would live with us until they built a house of their own. In keeping with the plan, we found the house and property, but we signed the deed just shy of two months after my father died. And my mother didn't want to follow with us. So, we now owned the house and found a greater level of isolation. We didn't know a soul where we had moved.
In this new level of isolation, I began to be challenged as a wife.
First it was the fact that he desired his friend to come live with us. So, in my desire to please my husband I gave in despite the complaints from my own mother and brother. Then it was the fact that I became sick and spent three months in the hospital. While I was in the hospital, my husband stayed in a hotel. And spent more time away from me than with me. And yet, in the end we both came home.
Once we came home things began to change. I found that his needs began to change. He desired to bring others into our marriage. And to me the four walls of the room we called home were something that I considered holy. A space that was just for the two of us and God. And yet, here I was as a wife trying to fathom bringing another soul into our bedroom. Still every night that I gave into his needs, I listened to him dream about who we might bring thru that door into the space God had created for us.
Years went by with my living with his dreams. And each time I found it harder and harder to focus on his needs. This continued until one evening when I refused to meet his needs. While my reasons for refusing are not a topic for this post... it did create an argument. And that evening I was left black and blue, but I also had to face down my husband with a gun in his hand. While he loaded it and chambered a bullet, I was looking down the barrel. He meant to kill me. I am still not sure why, but at the last minute the bullet did not pass thru my head. Instead it went thru the wall of our bedroom. This was followed by listening to my husband say that he should just kill me, followed by his desire to kill himself.
In the next few hours, I entered into a night mare of police, attorneys, and working to get my husband the help that he needed. My husband was committed to a psychiatric hospital for five days. When I finally went to visit him to discuss his return to our home, I was meet by him pounding his cane on the table. Demanding of me to go to the court and make the charges he was facing go away. If it had not been for a suggestion of the staff, he would have come home then. So, I then entered a new arena of court in getting an order of protection that made my husband homeless so that he could get the help that he needed.
Because of my faith, I worked with my husband to lessen the demands of the charges. Community service, counseling, marital counseling, and the other demands of being on probation. In time I started to see the man I married again. And just as we were starting marital counseling, the push on his part to move home began. And by Thanksgiving I had given in, but in the next few weeks his moving in for good began to sit with me wrong. Lots of things were said that could probably become their own blog posts... but I spent the time we were together and when he had needs... running to the bathroom after trying my best not to vomit. I wish that I could say that I was pregnant, but I wasn't. I was so disgusted with the words that had come into my mind.
Christmas came and went... and then he once again threatened to take my life again... Finally two days before the new year I walked out the door. And then began to rustle with the fact that I would not be married until my natural death... An idea that became a fact on Valentine's Day when I was sued for divorce. Which began my new struggle with what divorce meant for me and my faith. Divorce was a word that we were never to use... and yet here I was staring at the paperwork.
That day was just over three years ago... In that time I have learned that my husband abandoned and broke the covenant that we had we with God long before that day when I was served with papers to end our marriage. I struggle with what life is going to look like as the reality of the divorce becoming final is fast approaching. I never expected to face life as a single mother. In the midst of all this change I am learning more about my faith than I thought I could learn. I am beginning to understand God's love, even if I can't understand what love is right now. I am finding that abuse is a reason to be allowed out of the covenant. I just am not sure how to tell you all what I am learning... but maybe that will come in time...
The one thing that I can tell you is that I am alive... and I am not living with my husband. He is currently sitting in jail for the harm that he brought to my life. And that despite all this and my commitment to him till death... I do NOT have to stay married until he takes my life from me... That is a choice that only my God can make.
No comments:
Post a Comment