I honestly feel like between church yesterday and right now that a week has passed. I have found myself on the front lines of more complaints than I actually can figure out how to address. And to add to this is the fact of how many people in my life think that I am caught in a cycle of woe... Or even better, that what I am feeling stressed over is about them. Seriously, I as a single mother have more going on in my life than most people would care to have. And sadly a great deal of them revolve around the person I married. The person I thought was my best friend for ever...
And I still three years later wonder, where did my best friend go? Was there one thing that I could have done to change the path that we wound up walking? Or did this struggle really have to do with God working all things for His glory? Of course, I will never be able to answer these questions in this life, but it never seems to give me a sense of peace that I can stop wondering. And in the wondering I come to realize that I am actually jealous of him in some small ways. Okay, I wouldn't want to be in prison, but he doesn't have to worry about bills, clothes, food, or even medications. He gets up each day and they are provided... while we are in a constant battle over each thing we need. It has changed the way I think of God. And in many ways in seeing God thru the eyes of my life, which at times feels like I have no self-esteem left, also is changing how I view the church.
I know that we as a church are suppose to reach out into our community... to help provide a bridge to those in need. And yet, in my life I have found time and time again that we as a church are failing with regards to families who are in the middle of domestic violence... I am not talking about a family that you are watching the violence happen... I am talking about the family that is left to pick up the pieces of life and faith. And how even the words that a pastor chooses to use can effect the way a survivor looks at the world and at the church. The statistics say the one in three women have seen or been subject to domestic violence, and yet asking for information on where to find the local food shelter once you have picked up and relocated for safety is cause for a pastor to think he is enabling you. Either I have a strange idea of what that really would involve, or helping a struggling family no longer fits within the mission of the church.
And this idea saddens me... because when I look at the standards of my faith, they speak out against abuse. They show me that the larger church I am involved in is looking for ways to reach out and help those within the church deal with the fall out. And yet, in my small corner of the world... I am seen as stuck... seeking a level of support that is having my pastor enable me. And I don't know where to turn. I would be even more lost in the walk of understanding my faith since the day I walked out, if I hadn't been blessed to have be guided to a shelter that I was surprised to be surrounded by women of strong faith. Women to this day that are just a phone call away. And in many ways these sisters in Christ have become my family. A family that knows where I was and the challenges that are yet to come.
And yet, in order to remain safe... I have had to move away from that family. And I am in a new community. I won't hide the fact of what I fear, because as my husband has said before it would only take a phone call for me to be gone. And I am in a church that I am currently called by God to be at. And yet, I have no clue why. I have been getting mixed messages from the pastor. I have had it made clear that in many ways I don't belong. I can still remember the day I called to speak to the pastor, per the pastor... and the secretary told me that the church didn't need to waste its time on people like me. People like me... a mother who is protecting her child? or maybe a wife who spent years in a marriage that was falling apart? or maybe even the fact that I faced down death at the hands of my husband? I still am not sure how I fit into a statement of people like me. And yet, it is easy to guess. When you are fearful of your life and safety you are not going to just hand out an address. And when it is not just your safety, then you are not allowed to give the address of where you are. And that lack of address... a phone number from a place your husband wouldn't think to look... all of these things make me undesirable. And yet our whole church family, in all of the world is about having open doors to reach out to all the followers of Christ. But the stigma of pending divorce and domestic violence... means that the church is going to slam the door in your face, but only if you let that part of you slip out for others to know. And yet a part of me prays that it is only the members I have come across, but I still am not sure, and yet I won't give up. My community of faith has to have a place that I belong. A place where I can feel safe. A place where I can grow in my love of Christ.
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