Decisions in LOVE!

I have been reading "The Best Yes" by Lysa Terkeurst, and I just feel like I am playing catch up all the time.  And yet today I was struck with what I heard thru the words from God.  You see, in this cycle of abuse that I have spent so many years in... Yes became the safest thing to say.  My husband wanted sex and I just allowed it, no matter how I felt.  My mother wanted us to come down and visit... we packed up and came, even if it was 2 AM.  I just always gave into each and every demand.

Not once did I ever stop to consider if I had the required resources to say yes.  Or could even label what those resources should be.  And yet, to have a list now seems like a huge blessing.  And it gives me a chance for once to actually be able to start to evaluate the decisions that I make, not out of a fear of abuse, but out of a desire to serve God.  These resources that I need to consider fall into the following four areas, Physically, Financially, Spiritually, and Emotionally.  And it is not just considering these area, but also considering what can happen if what I am saying Yes to will bankrupt myself.  But even in considering these areas, it shocked me to learn that I'M BANKRUPT WITHOUT LOVE!!!

When I started to ponder these ideas, I realized that the definition that I had of serving others was warped.  And found that my definition should be an exercise of asking God to help me realistically assess how to love a person without bankrupting myself or my family.  The definition makes it possible to have an attitude of love trump the activity that we are being asked to consider reaching out to do.  And it made me see just how bankrupt that I am still from my own marriage.  Years of my submitting to my husband out of a love for God, were in so many ways bankrupting what resources that I had within me.  I physically reached a point where I was exhausted all the time.  And in that exhaustion, I became physically sick much more often and sicker than I had ever been.  Financially, I was completely dependent on my husband.  His spending habits determined what we had left to provide food, clothes, even gas to the car to be able to leave the house.  With so little funds in my name, I was bankrupt no matter how much I watched each dime we spent, because any amount of saving on my part tended to lead to his desire to spend more funds.  Living with a constant drain on each and every dime we had made me stop wanting to fill the needs that I had, let alone others.  Then with regards to Spiritually, the control of my ability to leave the house and go to places was controlled so much by the moods of my husband.  I even found it difficult to find moments to even read God's word, let alone spend time in a community of believers.  So that tank in my marriage was constantly seeking ways to feel connected with God.  And finally Emotionally, I became numb.  I just faced what was placed in front of me, without expressing any real thoughts from my soul.  Yet, inside my soul was so drained that I found it all too easy to use methods of physical harm to help me control the emotional reality I lived in.  I never had time to even to consider making a choice that would allow me to not be bankrupt.  I with the great need for everyone to be happy with me... Yes, became my only answer.  

And while it is now... years since I have lived with my husband that I can understand that the fear I lived with never gave me the chance to say no.  And now, I also know that saying no, almost cost me my physical life.  Yet, now I need to learn how to compute this new definition of serving others.  I need to learn how to have a balance that allows me to be physically, financially, spiritually, and emotionally healthy.  And to be in a place where I can make choices that fit much better with God's desires, and not just my need to survive.