3 Dozen doughnuts

I have spent a great deal of time this weekend at home. Honestly I haven't felt like I could leave. It is hard to do when someone you love is sick. And you want to do what is best for them. And yet the only thing you can do is to be present. You can't make them go seek help. So you pray... and you pray more. And then you fight the feelings in the back of your mind that say this might be the end. That is what it feels like to live with someone who doesn't care.

The hardest part is these same feelings are the ones I had many a day when I was still living with my husband. Days where he would do something crazy like bring home 3 dozen donuts and just start eating them and then have to give himself insulin. A few hours later then his sugar would be too low so he would start eating junk food again. And this crazy cycle would repeat itself. And it brings this feeling to the back of my mind... one where if I breathe wrong... tears will fall. And I can't do that. I have to be strong. And yet I am wondering why I must face all these things like they don't bother me. When deep down they honestly do.

You see... If I don't act like things never hurt the people who have and are hurting me will know. And then they will use that against me. And that is a power that creates more hurt than I can face... As far as advice... break thru thoughts... I have not a one. Except maybe that even being a faithful follower of Christ does not make this path easier. Sometimes to me it feels that it is in many ways harder. But at least when you are facing all of this and the abuse... you still have the glimmer of hope for the future.

Dreams vs. Goals?

"Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible." Tony Robbins

Makes me wonder what might need to be made visible... and how this might relate to domestic violence, even though that wasn't the purpose when he said it. But goals are a hard thing... you plan to survive. I have forgotten in many ways what it is like to dream. And when I have dreamed I seem to have disappointed and hurt those around with my attempts at dreaming for a future. So it makes me wonder how different dreams are from goals? Any ideas?

Pain?

Pain. We like to try to forget about it. And yet, it never really goes away. There is always something that causes us pain. But did you know that not one minute of your life you are not crying.... yes, I just said we are always crying. Tears are important to our eyes, just like they can show the pain of our emotions. Makes you stop and think...

And for me it makes me wonder how long I have gone thru life not knowing about tears! And why people seem to associate them with being a baby?

Joy?

I have not been having a good week. And it has been for a lot of reasons. And yet today I had the chance to meet with my Pastor, and something he said to me has really stuck in my mind. I am being held by chains that say in order to follow Christ I have to suffer. And that it is not that way for all Christians. But somewhere that is what I got thru my head. The other thing that he said, is the fact that a lot of the pain that I am feeling is due to the fact that life I am living like my hand is always on a hot stove. And these have gotten me to think. You see abuse in some form has been a part of my life for so long. I know there was a time as a child when I wasn't abused. But I also know that sexual abuse started when I was about 5... But it wasn't in my family, it was by marriage. It wasn't until after that stopped that as I became a teenager that my mother changed and she became the abuser. I am not sure what changed at that point, but I think it came from her loss, all of our loss, of her father... Not that it should excuse her. And yet, it was the world that continued to be the challenge to me... Rape... Alcohol... And I got my head together. Then I got married, and my husband changed before my eyes into the abuser. And the pain has continued.

But the challenge is to learn what joy is... It is something I really do not know. I am starting to think that my Pastor is right. That I have gotten to a point where I expect pain and feel like I am betraying Christ when I do not suffer. Now isn't that an item to ponder...

And yet... How can you help to bring joy? I am really starting to think it is loving someone in spite. In spite of all they do... in spite of how much they try to push you away... To just tell them that they are loved... That they are valued... That they are important... That they are a Child of God, even if they don't want to believe it...