Missing content!

This is the second night in a row that I have tries to post... And the post is all typed into the screen... And my daughter just bumps the computer and it is all gone. And it is something that you just want to cry about. All the thoughts are gone... Nothing is left to share...

But maybe there is... I am not really mad at her. I am frustrated with the fact that there is really no way to save a draft of a post. And yet it is possible that I am not yet suppose to post these thoughts. But I will be faithful to the reminders... just like I have been faithful to the homework that I have been given...

Fuel Perks!!!

The excitement of saving money on gas... Fuel perks are wonderful... To the panic of realizing that I am asking others to stand beside us and face him. I realize that this is a what if... but it is one that has already sent me running before.

The last time I went running I went in search of home. I have found a small part of that currently, but have not ever really stopped running. And I am realizing that a large part of this is due to the fear that I live with. I am starting to be able to not have it control my every moment, but it is always there. I am less worried about my death than asking people around me to take that same risk. You see I would die to protect my child, but I wonder if it is right to ask others to take that same risk...

And I have been having a pretty good week. And yesterday on a day that I dread... I started the process to address the fact that if I stay and put down roots in a church that feels like home... I just by attending will put them at risk. And honestly that is what I fear. Letting people into what is going on in my life and mind... and opening up to them a world of risk that they have never known existed before.

This fear is what sent me running from my house and the church I was attending. My dreams had become filled with my husband showing up and gunning down the people that I had worked with at church. Grown to love like a family... And I couldn't bear to close my eyes to sleep... I would see what had happened in the walls of our home. And sleep would bring thoughts of what if... But you see all this what if... has left me without a place that really feels like home. I own a house with him, but it feels more like an Albatross than a home. Living with my mother feels more like a child than an adult with children. And it also isolates me. And yet each step I force myself to take towards breaking thru the walls that he created thru fear that became my own mental prison... Now are the ones that I fear walking thru because of others might be hurt.

I have not figured out yet how to deal with this fear. The fear of losing those that I love... all because I loved him enough at one time to marry and have children. And maybe it is a process... but it is one that others have to face also. The isolation that was created by the abuse tends to continue from fear of losing any new ties that we might find. And it brings me to the question... Why would you... a person who has never seen and lived with abuse... be willing to stand in the way of harm towards me and my children?

Making Lemonade?

Forgiveness... I am struggling with this so much right now. And it always seems to boil down to one person. You see as much as I know I must forgive my husband for all that he has done. I know it is not my place to judge him... That is reserved for God. And yet what is my responsibility in all that has happened?

You see... In my desire to forgive him the first time... I opened up myself to being hurt even more. And I gave him the idea that nothing he did or could ever do would be punished. I forgave him and allowed him to get a slap on the wrist. And he went on to actually threaten to kill me... And not just me!

So where does that leave me? I have a broken heart because he is making a choice to throw me away. And yet, do I really want to be in something that is so broken? Do I want to live in a state of fear? Am I willing to throw in the towel over the past several years? At times it is yes... but other times it is No.

You see I realize that living with my husband is unsafe for us. I understand that with the last behavior that I saw and heard about our lives would be at risk. And yet even with our lives being at risk... What is really what we need to sacrifice for faith? Is it within that sacrifice that I go ahead and let the people who hold the keys to his freedom know that it wasn't just me who was threatened? Do I leave that up to others around me that seem to be failing at this?

You see.... Even two years after I walked out... The questions never stop!!! So how do you help those around you seek out answers to questions that seem to have no concrete answer? How do you help to guide them to follow the path that has been laid in front of them by God? And how do you make sure that they feel that they are making lemonade with all the lemons that they have hoarded living in an abusive household?