What to let go of?

Today... I learned some things. Like one of the reasons that I am back home for a bit... You see my mother is sicker than we wanted to realize and will need to have some procedures done. During that time she will require more care... At least with this understanding for the moment it makes it easier to endure the fact that I, an adult, am living under her roof.

In other news... I am starting to understand that many things can impact our lives after we survive the actual abuse. It would be so easy to seek out things that would numb us from the pain. And yet what we need to learn is how to deal with the pain. Learn how to express it. And then start looking forward without our past controlling our future. And I am not saying that you will forget the past, but it will have a very different feel to it. That is something I have been struggling with for a very long time. And it didn't just start with the current abuse I faced. I have had to take each tragic event... death of a loved one... abuse... starting a new school... moving... and even the birth of my brother.... And had to start to examine the pieces that were left after the bomb went off inside my internal storage system. And it has been thru the examining of these pieces that many of them have lost the hold they had on me. This is not to say I am perfect. There are always things I run into and then put back for later.... Almost like I am attempting to hide them from myself and others.

Has it been a slow learning process... Of course. When you realize that the same questions you are currently seeking answers to were the almost exact questions that you were seeking answers to 15 years ago if not more. It gives you an idea that maybe I haven't search in the correct places. And I realize that in my quest for love and the person God had chosen for me. I might have overlooked some things in my husband. Things that I either saw, but didn't raise red flags... or Things he hid from me. And it is the later that is really starting to hurt. Finding things that he hid from me in this attempt to open the lines of communication and have no secrets... He kept a cruise liner full!!!!

Yes it hurts... and yet even now my feelings for him are changing. I will always love the man I married... And yet I am understanding that it is a fairytale that will never come back. And I am hopeful that he just might find God. And yet it will take him showing the fruits of change to bring us back to even have a conversation... And I have reached the point of letting go... I do not need to hold onto him... He wants his freedom... I must let him go... Even scripture tells me this...

Does this leave me a ton of questions going forward on what is left for me in regards to faith... Yes. Does it give me a license to remarry... I do not know. And I might struggle with that for years. Marriage as I know it is suppose to be forever or death. And while we are going our separate ways... we are both still very much alive.
And yet it brings me to an interesting question...

What are you willing to let go of for God?

What to let go of?

It is early in the morning and for some reason I am awake. I am so very aware of the changes that will take place today. I will have cut back my items by at least 2/3... It is amazing how much stuff that one can give up and move forward towards changing and living stuff free. And yet each item has been a struggle to let go of. I have had to hold onto several items in the past few days that I am still not ready to let go of, but know I need to let go of. It is a process because of the fact that in this process I am letting go of not only my marriage, but also my childhood. I am finding that I need to sort thru all the items I own and pick things that represent my life, but I can't hold onto them all.
It is amazing the power that a simple stuffed animal can have on our life. We tend to shower our children in them along with other gifts. And then we wonder how they have so many. And then the attachment starts and each and everyone is a battle to let go of. And it starts a process of entitlement that can carry thru to adulthood where people think that they need every new thing that is made.
Now don't get me wrong... I still have things that most people would say are not a need. And yet my mind tends to think differently. I mean we need to be able to listen to music... watch dvd's... and even play video games... plus where would my sanity be without Net-flicks... And yet other things have not seemed so important, but a list was created to allow me to recreate the book library again on e-books. It is just amazing that in a small device I can carry a whole library. And yet at the same time how nice it is to carry a library of movies in something as small as a suitcase. Space will become a premium in what I am thinking forward towards in housing. And yet it will be so much better....
What stuff do you find that you have that you might not need? How can you take steps to evaluate your life and the things you own to takes steps to start to have just a little less?

Faith Steps...

Stepping out in faith sometimes takes us back into the face of abuse. I am not saying this lightly. And it is not something that I would do if my life was truly at risk. And yet it is something that I have felt God lay upon my heart.

I have struggled with many things over the past years. And one of these things is learning to understand my emotions. Understand how to rely on God. How to allow God to provide for everything. And yet so often I am quick to attempt to take back control. To not step out in faith and trust. And yet I am not coming back into my own mother's world out of trust for her, but out of trust that God will provide what we need to create whatever He wants in our relationship. And maybe this path isn't so crazy as it seems.

Maybe I am coming to understand that I do not belong in this world, but need to function in it. I need to also not be so surprised when people do not see the world thru the same eyes that I do. I see that faith and our world need to go hand and hand. That with faith every action a person takes is out of love.

Does this mean I am perfect? No, I am far from that. And yet I value the fact that my word is good. And despite all that might go wrong... that having given my word means that I will make it happen. And that includes money. I do not find that I actually like it, but it is necessary. And yet it seems to be a device that can be quickly used to send me into a panic. And once I hit that point of panic I feel like I have no control over anything and then I give up. And instead of giving up and surrendering to God... I just give up. So much just then comes racing into my mind. The build up of the emotions that I controlled for so long, which I have zero control of now... The random thoughts and messages that throughout my life I have been taught... And that list goes on.

And yet it isn't a solution that I am seeking when I realize where I am heading. It might sound like that to the person I am speaking to, but in many senses I am seeking a piece of the puzzle. And without the person even realizing it they can simply tell me a story or share a thought that God has placed on their heart and it provides the connect of the pieces that I have been staring at laid out on the table in front of me. And yet it is hard for me to explain it... I have not the gift of words. I get tongue tied...

Today that story was about a lady who was buying a house to open a city mission. I don't know who the lady was. I don't know where the mission is. What I do know is that the story talked about taking a step of faith... And in her case agreeing to a price that was beyond the funds that had been provided to purchase the house. And she finally took the step of faith that God would provide the rest of the funds that she needed to make up the shortfall... And in the process of cleaning out the house to set it up for the mission... When they came to the last room of the house... They found two purses... And contained in those purses where the shortfall that had existed and it was exactly the amount that was required... And in the end God had provided for the mission, just not in the way we expect it to happen.

And this hit me... I have been looking at God to provide in exactly the way I have wanted it to come. I have been so focused on taking care of things that I haven't let myself be open to trusting enough to be able to allow God to perform the miracle that I need Him to perform to have our lives move forward. I can see the shortfall that I am facing in my finances... I can see the ways that this can be fixed... And yet I have never stopped to ask God how He wants to help me overcome the shortfall. I have taken it on my own to find the solution. Now in my case the shortfall is temporary... And to most people a small amount... In my case currently $2,000 would take care of it and take me back to zero debt. And yet to me that seems to be a mountain that I can't figure out how to face. And I also know that getting even a small part of that money could go a long way towards being able to get my own income again... And yet have I sought God's will? Have I focused on what God is asking of me? And what will happen when I make sure that I am walking forward with a focus on God and allow Him to let the pieces of my life fall into place...

And in an even bigger way... What might happen in my life if I can step out in faith... Trust God... And allow Him to control the path that He has set out in front of me... Allow Him to build me up and not even attempt to figure out what pieces I am missing. And just focus on God and how amazing He is... Today I got a glimpse of that... I swallowed my pride... And I listened to God and moved back in with my mother for the moment. And I found a feeling of peace that I can't explain. And in many ways it feels like I am being held in the hands of God. And that He will hold me and carry me... And show me the steps that have not been revealed to me about how to get from where I currently am to where God wants me to be... And where God wants me to be is not about me... It is about the hurting world around us... And saying thru my story that despite all the pain that the world wants to inflict on us... God can save us and sustain us, and eventually make it possible to LIVE!!!!

So how do you live? Do you plan your own path? Or are you open to the whispers of the Holy Spirit on your heart that might ask you to walk back into a lion's den and face the one thing that you fear the most? And someday I might just explain what it is that I fear the most...

Freedom, Guns, & Domestic Violence

July 4th... A day of freedom for the United States... A day of torture for victims of Domestic Violence which involved guns... Please take the time to think about them as we are surrounded by gun fire... Think about those you see with panic on their face... It may be a plea for help that words can't share... And think of me. The level of noise is still enough to send shock waves thru my body. It makes my heart jump into my stomach. I think it is for me... And yet I am safe. But I know many others are not... And for them tonight... I pray...