Pain...

Pain, pain, please go away and don't come back another day.  

I seriously desire for the knife in my back to go away.  And yet, I wonder at times if that pain in my back is the real reason that he finally left me.  And yet I know that the pain and brokenness that I suffer is not the reason that he finally left.  In the end it was my unwillingness to compromise my sexuality within my relationship with God.  Now for those of you who don't do well with fifty dollar words, I objected to bringing another person into our relationship.  In this world of friends with benefits... my desire to only be with my husband in our bedroom must seem like a blast from the past.

You see...  I view marriage as a sacred bond between partners.  And while I have made my share of mistakes, I eventually reached a point in my life and marriage where the pushing for more was something that I just couldn't give into.  As I sit here in physical pain...  I am recalling the emotional pain that I have survived within my marriage.

To give you a brief idea...  I have no idea what sex really is.  I do know what it is like to spend hours focusing on my husbands needs.  I know what it is like to have reached a point where the physical pain in your jaw makes you want to cry, but you have yet to fulfill your husbands needs.  I know what it is like to listen to your husband spew the equivalent of acid in order to help himself fulfill his needs.  I could go into graphic details, but we all are flooded with way too much details in our day to day life.  And honestly the details are not important. 

It began with a single step out of my comfort zone.  Then another, and another.  Each time I let him convince me that the connection between us needed this next step.  And without any boundaries and limits that were talked about, it slowly became anything he wanted to do... I did.  I will admit that the advice my own mother gave me the night before my wedding...  only helped to set the stage for his desires.  Yet, as I desired to please him more and more...  I lost my voice.  

And with my silence...  I became sick.  In no way am I saying that their is a correlation between the two.  Yet, my silence had me living in pain and more pain until I reached a point that I couldn't walk... and while I have been rebuilt, sometimes the pain overtakes me and I can't sleep...

All I desire is sleep...  To be able to close my eyes and lay down...  For the pain to go away...