Pain...

Pain, pain, please go away and don't come back another day.  

I seriously desire for the knife in my back to go away.  And yet, I wonder at times if that pain in my back is the real reason that he finally left me.  And yet I know that the pain and brokenness that I suffer is not the reason that he finally left.  In the end it was my unwillingness to compromise my sexuality within my relationship with God.  Now for those of you who don't do well with fifty dollar words, I objected to bringing another person into our relationship.  In this world of friends with benefits... my desire to only be with my husband in our bedroom must seem like a blast from the past.

You see...  I view marriage as a sacred bond between partners.  And while I have made my share of mistakes, I eventually reached a point in my life and marriage where the pushing for more was something that I just couldn't give into.  As I sit here in physical pain...  I am recalling the emotional pain that I have survived within my marriage.

To give you a brief idea...  I have no idea what sex really is.  I do know what it is like to spend hours focusing on my husbands needs.  I know what it is like to have reached a point where the physical pain in your jaw makes you want to cry, but you have yet to fulfill your husbands needs.  I know what it is like to listen to your husband spew the equivalent of acid in order to help himself fulfill his needs.  I could go into graphic details, but we all are flooded with way too much details in our day to day life.  And honestly the details are not important. 

It began with a single step out of my comfort zone.  Then another, and another.  Each time I let him convince me that the connection between us needed this next step.  And without any boundaries and limits that were talked about, it slowly became anything he wanted to do... I did.  I will admit that the advice my own mother gave me the night before my wedding...  only helped to set the stage for his desires.  Yet, as I desired to please him more and more...  I lost my voice.  

And with my silence...  I became sick.  In no way am I saying that their is a correlation between the two.  Yet, my silence had me living in pain and more pain until I reached a point that I couldn't walk... and while I have been rebuilt, sometimes the pain overtakes me and I can't sleep...

All I desire is sleep...  To be able to close my eyes and lay down...  For the pain to go away...

Tick Tock...

A year ago we were facing homelessness...  I didn't have a clue where we would live.  My husband had filed for divorce.  I couldn't bear to live in the home we had purchased together, let alone afford to live in it.  And to add the icing to the challenge, my mother had died and I we could no longer continue to live with her in her house.  

I was numb.  I knew that we needed to find a place to live, and yet couldn't begin to start the process to even begin to find a place to live.  And at the same time I was facing the fact that my divorce process had just started moving forward.

Somehow, I began to find the ability to find a place to live.  And then attempt to move out of my mother's house, trying to sort thru what we needed verses what we just had to let go.  In that process we had to let a lot of things go.  We had already let go of the house.  I signed it over to my husband in order to be able to have a place for us to live.  And in that process... oh so much was left behind.

And yet, that is not the reason of this post.  This post is about the beginning to move forward.  I have reached a point where in just over a month I will be divorced.  And we have come a long way from facing homelessness to actually looking for a house.  

All my life I have wanted a place to call home.  Now, years after praying to God to give me a home... that possibility is within my grasp.  I am in shock!

For once in my life I am beginning to feel that out of the ashes, God just might give me something that I have desired for so long...  a place to call home forever!